Sanity Failing

Long time no blog. I just have no energy or cohesive thoughts. I blurb in my Finch self care Reflections app but my oven mitt fingers make typing on this small kb (wide finger kb my ass!) a misery. So…nothing new except my descent into madness is quickening. Not drama,not hyperbole,not creative license. I truly feel myself starting to crack.

My kid’s school bullying continues no matter how much I talk to school powers that be. His oppositional defiance is worse than ever. He went off on me in front of his counselor and she made no effort to calm him or defend me against his screaminf. Her only caveat was to reschedule. Which had to be done last week when the pediatrician wanted an EKG and Ben wemt balliatic. The meltdowns are worsening. And I have no help or support. It feels hopeless. Sleep.is my only peace.

My depression is crippling. I am barely functional. My anxiety and paranoia are debilitating. I am scared to leave home. Almost paralyzed with fear of driving bevause car problems or potential wrecks. I am scared that this is the downward spiral I don’t come back from. Yet here I go trying to downplay cos I don’t wamt to.lose my kid or be declared in need of conservatorship. Not like ALL moments are paralytic altered thought. Just soo much more than is normal. I swear I have a tumor of some sort making me this crazy. First week of January the appt will begin,hopefully,unraveling the physical stuff. stucf.

Still gonna try to enjoy the hellidays. 2 weeks of my kid screaming at me is gonna be hell. Surviving my own mind more hellish. But here I am,still showing up. Even if everything feels unsafe and threatening. I do not wish mental illness on anyone.

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