Grunge

I feel like I should be in.a 90s grunge band. Not bathed since Wednesday. Which was the day sis dyed my hair so.my scalp.is.itchy and red dye remnants are under my nails. I am rewearing dirty clothes since all my clean clothes are summer stuff and I am bloody freezing. Thought.of a shower sets my jaw grinding and my body shivering. Idk why the drs won’t listen.to me. This 6 months a year of unable to get warm has become a serious hindrance. Yes,depression makes hygiene hard but when it was in the 60s Wednesday I showered after becoming.soaked with sweat. For whatever reason,science is skipping me with the whole shower will raise your core temp.

As grunge-tastic as I feel,as ashamed and embarrassed I am to be this way…until I can stop shivering,a shower is not happening.

We went to game night with Mom and Sis last.night. I was so exhausted from fight or flight anxiety all day all I could focus on was leaving. I tried to have fun. I wore my happy mask. And god knows I didn’t want to risk my kid exploding by changing plans and not going. I just was not in good shape yesterday,mentally.

Today is not looking any better. Still gotta face the rent thing. Still gotta face laundry. I don’t wanna. I also said I would cook chicken noodles today but ugh,not sure I have the energy. Yesterday drained me. But do I have the central nervous system bandwidth of not making them and facing.my kid’s wrath? I am so tired of my kid’s behavior. Nothing I buy him.is ever enough. Going out with him is misery because he is the I Want monster.

For now…just accept that I feel like shit and need to zone out. Pressuring myself to go Nike and just do it has the opposite effect. I don’t respond to bullying even from myself. And the saddest part is,I would.not be expected to tough love myself if I had a broken bone or IBS. Nope. You take your time and heal…Mental illness? Suck it up,you are better than this making excuses and whining…

As far as society has come in how it handles mental illness…it has a very long way to.go.before it.is kimd and empathetic.

Noise Is Coming Back

Yesterday the mind was quieter. I was able to go to mom’s for game night. I drove after dark. We stayed til 12:30am so I was out of safe space 6 hours. Was it easy? No. At one point everyone was talking,a toddler was playing with a toy doorbell,my sis has radio playing,my kid was blasting Spotify…and sensory overload almost induced a screaming panic attack. I fought it back. Then Ben had one of his episodes,albeit milder than.usual,and I got distracted from one stressor by another…

He didn’t talk to me for 20 straight minutes after calling me a plethora of swear words in front of the family. Them defending me and chastising him made it worse. And then we were home and bam,he wants hugs and banter. Psychological whiplash. He went to bed. I was awake 2.more hours trying to decompress. All that sensory overload took a toll. I am glad I went. I am happy I fought through it. But…

The noise is coming back today. No discernable trigger. If anything a boring Sunday at home should be soothing me. Nope. My mind is galloping with catch 22 thoughts so I accomplish nothing,feel bad for it,then all the potential for bad juju starts in…I am exhausted from never sleeping more than 2 hours at a time but I am absolutely depleted by the sheer random cycles in my conditions. I cannot plan ahead because I never know when the crazy will come stampeding. And yeah,yeah,crazy is a bad word,it is distorted thought but…

Arghhhh. Flustered and frustrated=flustrated. I need a vacation from me.

Quieter Today

My mind is less chaotic today. It started to calm last night once my kid was home and I rode it out. I was truly scared I might have to go to the ER for a psych hold. My thoughts were that distorted and frightening. So glad it calmed down. After dark once the potential for calls and visits died down I was even able to enjoy some music on my Skull Candy xmas headphones. Sleep didn’t come easily or fast. But it was a good day with my kid so I was able to keep fighting through.

I have lil motivation today but…a quietrr mind is a gift. I grateful.

Formal Anxiety

I have my mandatory yearly housing review in a few hours. Only got 3 hours total sleep because anxiety had me walking on razor blades. Formal settings with “authority figures” really sets off my fight,flight,freeze panic receptors. But the woman and agency basically hold our life in their hands. And while I have worked really hard to go by the rules,I signed 40 plus pages and of course,I didn’t do more than skim. Like reading does any good since I forget stuff 2 minutes later. Even important formal stuff. So between Ben’s loud explosions and my vocal cat,I expect complaints have been made even tho no notices or complaints were made to me.

Good old panic,assuming problems based solely on distorted fear. I have to face,though,that I could have inadvertently broken a lease rule. Like missing my first appt because I wrote it as the 8th but it was the third. Somehow numeric dyslexia and sloppy handwriting don’t seem like excuses that will fly. Except they aren’t excuses,this is my reality. Explanations are not excuses nor a failure to take responaibility for my failings.

I also have phone therapy and told her it was a good time. Turns out,I told her my appt was at 2pm but turns out it is 11 and therapy is at 10. I know she will understand but my psych accesses my records to ensure I am doing counseling,I don’t want shortened sessions making me look non compliant. The numbers of appts get me so confused. I can’t even do breathing exercises without getting confused as to breathe in thru nose,hold 2 seconds,out thru mouth. I get it all turned around. So I am not making excuses to shirk responsibilty. I get all confused even with basic stuff or things I like. My brain is thought salad.

I am also on eggshells with my kid. He got in school suspension for screaming curse words at a bully and today told me I may have to come get him cos if the bullies say anything he will stand up for himself. Which means blowing up,cursing,screaming…egad,that kid is gonna be the death of me. So today’s Xanax dose is a little more than usual in hopes it slows my pounding heart and racing panicky thoughts.

Will post more later on how it goes. Wish me luck not to have a breakdown and burst into tears. Meds have held tears at bay for months but like a sleeping,dormant beast…they can revive and turn me into a blubbering mess. Joy joy happy happy.

I

Unsafe

The anxiety ninjas appeared early today. Then got worse after my kid’s psych appt during which he started yelling and cursing me and the np and the center. Then I noticed a tire looks low,again. I am missing a wiper blade. So paranoia that people are fucking with my car kicked in. Coming home didn’t quell any of it. I feel unsafe. Just not sure from what. These distorted thoughts and physical manifestation if anxiety leave me at a loss. I am a strong woman. A badass. Why can I not beat anxiety?

So doors locked,lights out,computer binge playing a show to kill silence and sort of distract my mind. Logically,I KNOW this is part of my thought disordets. I still FEEL unsafe and scared. No one talks about that part. I posted on FB and well meaning people all said breathing exercises. As if I don’t run that into the ground. One suggested smoking pot. And since we just got a dispensary I have toyed with trying edibles. Pot never did much but.lower my iq and makeme sleepy but I am desperate.

For now…ride it out. Survive it. What else can I do?

Weak?

I started out at 5:30am feeling ok. Fewer wake ups,more restful sleep. ( That review off my plate really helped me relax a little so I slept better.) I listened to 2 hours of music via headphones,that is HUGE. Got my kid up…

And then the anxiety ninjas crept up and attacked.

Paranoia. Pounding heart. Sweaty armpits. Feelings of bad things coming. All of it,at once,from nowhere. So I took a Xanax and I feel weak…never mind how many days I take none. It still makes me feel like I am not trying hard enough and going for a quick fix. I know better so that mentality has been transferred by others. I hate it.

So last night’s big plan to shower in the a.m. is looking unlikely. I only have so many spoons and I gotta go finish xmas shopping and prep for SnowIcePocalypse this weekend. I need spoons for driving and busy stores. Wet wipes and Irish spring mop up on aisle 6 likely. Oh,well,at least I smell nice afterward. Shower later maybe? Depends on ho the day goes. Pounding heart panicky feeling does not bode well.

My kid had two huge blow ups last night. Actually picked up the lamp and threatened to throw it at me. I am doubtful he would but still makes me leery. Others just don’t see this side of Ben,they cannot believe he would act this way?. Like I make it up or dramatize to make the kid look bad. Trust me. Parents do not want to admit their kid hates them that much and threatens to hurt us. It feels like ineffectual parenting so all my fault. I did this. Thankfully,my counaelor helps remind me Ben is responsible for his actions. Ha. Not today. And I don’t want him labeled a bad kid or placed in some “home” for worst of the worst kids.

Oppositional Defiance Disorder sucks. Especially in a rural area where specialists don’t exist. Psych nurses push therapy. Counselor pushes meds. And so Ben and I suffer. And contrary to what he says,I DO care and I see how he hurts and being in this impossible to help catch 22 kills me.I do want to help. I just feel stuck and weak.

Sanity Failing

Long time no blog. I just have no energy or cohesive thoughts. I blurb in my Finch self care Reflections app but my oven mitt fingers make typing on this small kb (wide finger kb my ass!) a misery. So…nothing new except my descent into madness is quickening. Not drama,not hyperbole,not creative license. I truly feel myself starting to crack.

My kid’s school bullying continues no matter how much I talk to school powers that be. His oppositional defiance is worse than ever. He went off on me in front of his counselor and she made no effort to calm him or defend me against his screaminf. Her only caveat was to reschedule. Which had to be done last week when the pediatrician wanted an EKG and Ben wemt balliatic. The meltdowns are worsening. And I have no help or support. It feels hopeless. Sleep.is my only peace.

My depression is crippling. I am barely functional. My anxiety and paranoia are debilitating. I am scared to leave home. Almost paralyzed with fear of driving bevause car problems or potential wrecks. I am scared that this is the downward spiral I don’t come back from. Yet here I go trying to downplay cos I don’t wamt to.lose my kid or be declared in need of conservatorship. Not like ALL moments are paralytic altered thought. Just soo much more than is normal. I swear I have a tumor of some sort making me this crazy. First week of January the appt will begin,hopefully,unraveling the physical stuff. stucf.

Still gonna try to enjoy the hellidays. 2 weeks of my kid screaming at me is gonna be hell. Surviving my own mind more hellish. But here I am,still showing up. Even if everything feels unsafe and threatening. I do not wish mental illness on anyone.

Chair

I am having a BAD mental health day. High rampant anxiety and paranoia have me glued to my safe space,my chair. It has been this way for as long as I can remember,me having a safe space be it living room recliner or sofa or bed. Leaving it worsens the bad juju and Bad Tboughts. Thete was NO trigger. It just appeared. Here I m,now question your sanity and reality. Yes,I am even wavering on what is real. It could all be a vivid dream paralysis. Idk. It is disturbing.

So I am sticking to my safe space as much as I can. The anxiety just keeps worsening. The feelings of doom and despair hammer at my mind. No trigger. You can move. You can improve your situation. But you cannot escape mental illness. Or my mystery physical illness. I feel doomed and every fiber of my being wants to give up. Fighting it has drained me. Pretending to be normal is exhausting. So…chair it is. And hopefully tomorrow the mental lamdscape will improve. Today is a wash. Pure survival mode as mymind starts a list of ways to end it all. Don’t panic,there is no intent to harm myself. The thoughts are there and voicing them sort of helps. Now I have gone on record,sort of,with how bad my mental health currently is. It passes,returns,passes,returns. Lather,rinse,repeat. Lather,rinse,repeat. Great time to be under disability review,my livelihood in the hands of paper pushets who have no idea how bad mental illness is. Is it any wonder I have do much trouble staying ssleep and my stomach hurts? Survival mode indeed.

Managing Sensory Overload?

It has quieted but three days have been sensory overload. Ben brought this hyper noisy friend into.our lives,then had a blow up/meltdown when I agreed ro keep her cos the babysitter fell througj at 5:30am. It was neighborly thing to do and her mom found someone else so other than both of our overloaded senses,I saw no reason for the blow up. But Ben has had 3 infections and 3 antibiotics in under a month snd still missing school cos of not feeling well so who knows what bee is buzzng in his bonnet.

No sooner than the girl left,in popped family friend C. Eating our food,showing.up unannounced,constantly talking…Nicer guy you won’t find so I don’t complain. Just a lot of overload.

Now all is still. Except my mind. It is a funnel cloud with a herd of cattle swirling around a thousand distorted thoughts. Paranoia,panic,anxiety,bad juju,impending doom. I am juggling it all with little relief from meds. Gabapentin is yseless for anxiety and panic but was all I could get and only a month. She seems to even frown upin antihistamines for anxiety. Ridiculous to have my quality of life decreased due to the bias of one person. Should have kept the domineeering NP who decided I would quit smoking and co.on blood pressure meds for anxiety. None of which did anything but make my anxiety worse.

Starting to feel smothered and trapped because my kid never feels well enough for school. It is icky but you gotta tough many things out. In my case,life itself. Part of why I have been absent from here is this physical thing. The numbmess continues to.plague me and the liss of sensation in fingers makes it typing soo difficultt. It is soul crushing. And this rarely proper function app.sucks. But I battle on,even if my only true happiness,9 months running,is sleep.

Panxiety Blues

I had a good snap where the anxiety was managable. I took 3 Xanax in a 7 day span,even though script allows 0.5mg twice a day. I boasted to my counselor about it and sounds to me like she is one of *those* who think a days long good stretch means you are on your way to being cured. Hardly. That very day the panic and paranoia crept up on me like a band of ninjas attacking from all directions. PANXIETY.

The last 4 days have been Panxietypalooza. I hate it. I am frozen like a deer in headlights,unable to organize my thoughts in a productive way. Struggling against irrational fears that FEEL real down to my bone marrow. Fighting back paralyzing fear and “what did I fuck up now” self doubt. Just a brief trip out to take home Ben’s visting friend was a chore. I won’t even go into how his presence in my safe space made my equlibrium off kilter. And H is sooo polite so it is not him. This is my neurotic bullshit.

Movie night was ok last night. Ben started fussing about being tired at 8:30 and his sad sack pouting brought us all down. I didn’t stay for a 2nd movie as planned. Then we get home and thve kid is revived,talking on the phone,up til after 1am hyper af. Sooo manipulative. Plays me like a fiddle. So sick of him being puppetmaster and these so called professionals telling me to be consistent with discipline but not punitive. Wtf does that even mean? Useless. Made me more confused than no counseling. I have to give boundaries and consequences but cannot take his phone as it is his tether to his peer support system so it is punitive..does not leave me much parental authority.

So to get some bloat relief I took a lax and have been in crampy mad dash to bathroom mode all day. In pain,embarrassed,uncomfortable. Accomplished nothing and I am falling back on bad patterns where stuff piles up. I am trying to be kind to myself. With my physical stuff,I truly am not in good shape so it isn’t some lazy malingering thing. It will all get done. Eventually. Maybe soon I will have ADHD meds and my brain will get organized instead of being a chaotic baffling junk drawer. See dr Thurs I think. Hate to swap Xanax but she made it clear it was her pokicy. Man,it sliws my mind and gives me clarity. Losing that just sucks. Hopefully an ADHD med will do something positive. I am exhausted by the chaos of my own mind.