Archive for paranoia

Weak?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on December 20, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

I started out at 5:30am feeling ok. Fewer wake ups,more restful sleep. ( That review off my plate really helped me relax a little so I slept better.) I listened to 2 hours of music via headphones,that is HUGE. Got my kid up…

And then the anxiety ninjas crept up and attacked.

Paranoia. Pounding heart. Sweaty armpits. Feelings of bad things coming. All of it,at once,from nowhere. So I took a Xanax and I feel weak…never mind how many days I take none. It still makes me feel like I am not trying hard enough and going for a quick fix. I know better so that mentality has been transferred by others. I hate it.

So last night’s big plan to shower in the a.m. is looking unlikely. I only have so many spoons and I gotta go finish xmas shopping and prep for SnowIcePocalypse this weekend. I need spoons for driving and busy stores. Wet wipes and Irish spring mop up on aisle 6 likely. Oh,well,at least I smell nice afterward. Shower later maybe? Depends on ho the day goes. Pounding heart panicky feeling does not bode well.

My kid had two huge blow ups last night. Actually picked up the lamp and threatened to throw it at me. I am doubtful he would but still makes me leery. Others just don’t see this side of Ben,they cannot believe he would act this way?. Like I make it up or dramatize to make the kid look bad. Trust me. Parents do not want to admit their kid hates them that much and threatens to hurt us. It feels like ineffectual parenting so all my fault. I did this. Thankfully,my counaelor helps remind me Ben is responsible for his actions. Ha. Not today. And I don’t want him labeled a bad kid or placed in some “home” for worst of the worst kids.

Oppositional Defiance Disorder sucks. Especially in a rural area where specialists don’t exist. Psych nurses push therapy. Counselor pushes meds. And so Ben and I suffer. And contrary to what he says,I DO care and I see how he hurts and being in this impossible to help catch 22 kills me.I do want to help. I just feel stuck and weak.

Sanity Failing

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on December 16, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Long time no blog. I just have no energy or cohesive thoughts. I blurb in my Finch self care Reflections app but my oven mitt fingers make typing on this small kb (wide finger kb my ass!) a misery. So…nothing new except my descent into madness is quickening. Not drama,not hyperbole,not creative license. I truly feel myself starting to crack.

My kid’s school bullying continues no matter how much I talk to school powers that be. His oppositional defiance is worse than ever. He went off on me in front of his counselor and she made no effort to calm him or defend me against his screaminf. Her only caveat was to reschedule. Which had to be done last week when the pediatrician wanted an EKG and Ben wemt balliatic. The meltdowns are worsening. And I have no help or support. It feels hopeless. Sleep.is my only peace.

My depression is crippling. I am barely functional. My anxiety and paranoia are debilitating. I am scared to leave home. Almost paralyzed with fear of driving bevause car problems or potential wrecks. I am scared that this is the downward spiral I don’t come back from. Yet here I go trying to downplay cos I don’t wamt to.lose my kid or be declared in need of conservatorship. Not like ALL moments are paralytic altered thought. Just soo much more than is normal. I swear I have a tumor of some sort making me this crazy. First week of January the appt will begin,hopefully,unraveling the physical stuff. stucf.

Still gonna try to enjoy the hellidays. 2 weeks of my kid screaming at me is gonna be hell. Surviving my own mind more hellish. But here I am,still showing up. Even if everything feels unsafe and threatening. I do not wish mental illness on anyone.

Chair

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on November 19, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

I am having a BAD mental health day. High rampant anxiety and paranoia have me glued to my safe space,my chair. It has been this way for as long as I can remember,me having a safe space be it living room recliner or sofa or bed. Leaving it worsens the bad juju and Bad Tboughts. Thete was NO trigger. It just appeared. Here I m,now question your sanity and reality. Yes,I am even wavering on what is real. It could all be a vivid dream paralysis. Idk. It is disturbing.

So I am sticking to my safe space as much as I can. The anxiety just keeps worsening. The feelings of doom and despair hammer at my mind. No trigger. You can move. You can improve your situation. But you cannot escape mental illness. Or my mystery physical illness. I feel doomed and every fiber of my being wants to give up. Fighting it has drained me. Pretending to be normal is exhausting. So…chair it is. And hopefully tomorrow the mental lamdscape will improve. Today is a wash. Pure survival mode as mymind starts a list of ways to end it all. Don’t panic,there is no intent to harm myself. The thoughts are there and voicing them sort of helps. Now I have gone on record,sort of,with how bad my mental health currently is. It passes,returns,passes,returns. Lather,rinse,repeat. Lather,rinse,repeat. Great time to be under disability review,my livelihood in the hands of paper pushets who have no idea how bad mental illness is. Is it any wonder I have do much trouble staying ssleep and my stomach hurts? Survival mode indeed.

Managing Sensory Overload?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on September 28, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

It has quieted but three days have been sensory overload. Ben brought this hyper noisy friend into.our lives,then had a blow up/meltdown when I agreed ro keep her cos the babysitter fell througj at 5:30am. It was neighborly thing to do and her mom found someone else so other than both of our overloaded senses,I saw no reason for the blow up. But Ben has had 3 infections and 3 antibiotics in under a month snd still missing school cos of not feeling well so who knows what bee is buzzng in his bonnet.

No sooner than the girl left,in popped family friend C. Eating our food,showing.up unannounced,constantly talking…Nicer guy you won’t find so I don’t complain. Just a lot of overload.

Now all is still. Except my mind. It is a funnel cloud with a herd of cattle swirling around a thousand distorted thoughts. Paranoia,panic,anxiety,bad juju,impending doom. I am juggling it all with little relief from meds. Gabapentin is yseless for anxiety and panic but was all I could get and only a month. She seems to even frown upin antihistamines for anxiety. Ridiculous to have my quality of life decreased due to the bias of one person. Should have kept the domineeering NP who decided I would quit smoking and co.on blood pressure meds for anxiety. None of which did anything but make my anxiety worse.

Starting to feel smothered and trapped because my kid never feels well enough for school. It is icky but you gotta tough many things out. In my case,life itself. Part of why I have been absent from here is this physical thing. The numbmess continues to.plague me and the liss of sensation in fingers makes it typing soo difficultt. It is soul crushing. And this rarely proper function app.sucks. But I battle on,even if my only true happiness,9 months running,is sleep.

Panxiety Blues

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 4, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

I had a good snap where the anxiety was managable. I took 3 Xanax in a 7 day span,even though script allows 0.5mg twice a day. I boasted to my counselor about it and sounds to me like she is one of *those* who think a days long good stretch means you are on your way to being cured. Hardly. That very day the panic and paranoia crept up on me like a band of ninjas attacking from all directions. PANXIETY.

The last 4 days have been Panxietypalooza. I hate it. I am frozen like a deer in headlights,unable to organize my thoughts in a productive way. Struggling against irrational fears that FEEL real down to my bone marrow. Fighting back paralyzing fear and “what did I fuck up now” self doubt. Just a brief trip out to take home Ben’s visting friend was a chore. I won’t even go into how his presence in my safe space made my equlibrium off kilter. And H is sooo polite so it is not him. This is my neurotic bullshit.

Movie night was ok last night. Ben started fussing about being tired at 8:30 and his sad sack pouting brought us all down. I didn’t stay for a 2nd movie as planned. Then we get home and thve kid is revived,talking on the phone,up til after 1am hyper af. Sooo manipulative. Plays me like a fiddle. So sick of him being puppetmaster and these so called professionals telling me to be consistent with discipline but not punitive. Wtf does that even mean? Useless. Made me more confused than no counseling. I have to give boundaries and consequences but cannot take his phone as it is his tether to his peer support system so it is punitive..does not leave me much parental authority.

So to get some bloat relief I took a lax and have been in crampy mad dash to bathroom mode all day. In pain,embarrassed,uncomfortable. Accomplished nothing and I am falling back on bad patterns where stuff piles up. I am trying to be kind to myself. With my physical stuff,I truly am not in good shape so it isn’t some lazy malingering thing. It will all get done. Eventually. Maybe soon I will have ADHD meds and my brain will get organized instead of being a chaotic baffling junk drawer. See dr Thurs I think. Hate to swap Xanax but she made it clear it was her pokicy. Man,it sliws my mind and gives me clarity. Losing that just sucks. Hopefully an ADHD med will do something positive. I am exhausted by the chaos of my own mind.

Equilibrium Upset

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on June 22, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

It took awhile battling my anxiety,insecurity,and physical issues but…I mowed the yard today. Sans for the side ditches,I just got overheated and woozy and sore. I worked in increments. It took.probably 3 hours but I took lots of breaks. I am exhausted but glad I did it. For all the good it does. All I ever hear are my failings.

So 4 pm,Dad tried to call Ben. My phone eerily silent. He terrified that child,why would he think Bem would flock to him? I figured they were doing their usual snoop across the tracks thing to tsk tskabout my unmowed yard. Or that blade if grass I missed.

And then I hear his pick up out back and some banging around. I figure taking back their mower or junk.hauling that I will have held over my head for decades. I was.like a deer in headlights,panic rising but frozen,praying no contact…when they left I felt my butt cheeks unclench. That is how tense they make me.

So now the bad juju lingers,equilibrium upended. Those 6 days of silence are probably the kindest thing he has done for my mental health in years. Yet I still feel salty. I know why he is ao.pissed. When he kept harping on my.past mistakes,inc California where I met the donor-I brought up his self proclaimed worst mistake. He did not like that,so shit listed I am. It is almost comical what an immature hypocrite he is. But standing there telling my kid he only exists because “your mom fucked up and ended up.homeless in California”. I was homeless 9 hours,drama king. Yes,I didn’t think it through.or plan ahead. But my kid is not a mistake. Damn him for putting such a cruel thought in Ben’s hesd. I never really got over.him telling me he dudn’t want a child yet but mom got pregmant on.purpose and he got screwed over. Kids don’t forget,even as adults.

So yeah. 10 minutes banging around out back and I am a basketcase of fear and insecurity. You get told you cannot do things right iften and long enough,you start to operate from that belief. I.hope one day I recover from the damage 4 years under his thumb has caused.

Mom Fail

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 18, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Just woke again at 3:50 am. Again heart pounding in a panic. Racing thoughts,terror,paralysis. At least I gad a couple hours not feeling lousy. And my brief respite of the numbness and belly pressure is gone,so feeling awful.physically,too.

Last night I was exhausted after 19 hours awake. I lay in bed with meditation videos for over an hour,so determined to MAKE,all these tried and true “sleep” methods” so fool proof the military uses them for soldiers under high stress.

Around 9:30 I finally started to be able to slow my mind,focus on breathing and relaxing muscles…

And my kid is piping in every 5 months. Love you,mom. You’re gay,mom. Can I play with the cat sleeping on your bed? Can I vacuum my room…omg,was like he didn’t take his adhd pill aLL day with the hyper bubbleheaded thing. I struggled so hard not to get aggravated…by 10 pm after 14 hours of him carrying on this way…I broke. Didn’t yell or get hateful. “I am tired and you keep interrupting my meditation. Please stop,I am going yo try to sleep.”

Except…in my exhaustion and annoyance,I called by his given name. And I didn’t even realize it tI’ll the edgy “Next time call me BEN.”

I “deadnamed” him twice this week,was not intentional. But for trans people,dead naming is apparently invalidating or something. We are supposed to pretend the kid we gave birth too and named never existed and adapt to their new normal and never slip up.on name and pronouns. At this point I am so gendered out I could throw up. That is not anti trans. That is “I am sick of hearing 14 hours a day every day about pride flaags and all the genders and sexual orientations and pronouns from a 12 year old who cannot even commit to a favorite color”. Not everything is LGBTQI related. But this child never lets up on it. And THAT is what fuels the bigots. Be who you are but it doesn’t have to be your every waking thought and talking point.

Guess I sound old fashioned and unsupportive. Aside from the dead name slips,I have been awesomely supportiven Eveb let him show me Walmart’s pride section (endcap). I just don’t need to discuss my gender and sexual orientation 12 plus hours a day so I guess I don’t understand those who make it the only center of their life. I am TRYING,Ben.

So I will be punished randomly for awhile with self righteous indignation,accusations of being anti trans,and such for awhile. Walking a minefield here.

4:49 am. Pressure in my belly is bad. Triple dose of laxative hasn’t helped move things along. So damn frustrated. Hoping the potassium supplement helps but I don’t think it is going to explain or fix it. So back to no answers and no healthcare provider who gives a damn.

And still not a nibble of someone to rehome my cats but LOTS of making me feel bad for it. Thanks,assholes. Cos it isn’t ripping out my heart. Lots of judgment but no help or support.

Is it no wonder being awake depresses me on every front?

.

Lawnmowers Are The New Chainsaw

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 17, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

When I was 10,I saw a preview of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I was terrified of the saw. My dad thought it hilarious. We lived in the country so it was pitch black when mom and us girls got home one night. No sign of dad’s truck. We go to head inside and out of the dark comes this rushing figure waving a chainsaw. Dad burst into laughter.”Doesn’t even have a blade,what are you scared of?”

It took decades for me to stop flinching when i heard chainsaw. He still makes a quip about it from time to time. Still funny to him.

Now,it is the sound of lawnmowers that spark my cringe factor panic respons3. Because 4 years of them showing up whenever,unannounced,ordering me to get off my ass and help mow. NM if Iam sick,cooking,on a call,in th bath..must drop everything because they are HELPING me.

So yeah,whoever nearby is mowing and my body is on red alert. It is less when they mow away in the distance. It is deafening when they pass close again.

Not having a great mental health day anyway. Dad is in my head,reminding me of every mistake,convincing me I am selfish and lazy and people who don’t work shouldn’t eat a good meal. So that roast and veggies I splurge on once a month and look forward to…wasn’t all that good cos all my brain could do was focus on my unworthiness.

Now,my badass strong woman mindset has given way for weak fearful overwhelmed girl who will never be able to pull off this move and start fresh because no way I can clean the place to their uppercrust standards so dad will hear and then the whole town will know how bad it got ..last property they bought,the lady left behind adult toys…and these noob landlords were showing pics around town,hooting and hollering. So discretion and non judgment not in their skillset.

I am exhausted. I am beaten down. I am scared. And I am now crippled with self doubt,wondering if I just have victim mentality and am a lazy horrible person. The sadness has seeped into my soul because no one should be made to feel that low about themselves. Sure as hell not from a father. Yet he is the pillar of the community.

Trying soo hard to fight these thoughts. Ben and I actually had an ok time when we went grocery shopping earlier. Back to this place,and down the drain. I was so fucking stupid writing that hopeful upbeat post yesterday about feeling more like myself. That person doesn’t exist anymore. The Gloom Monger murdered her spirit. Time to accept that I am.doomed and a useless human.

My brain REALLY goes dark at times.

Ninjas

Posted in depression, panic disorder with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 6, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

I read a blog…and got smacked with ninja anxiety and mood crash. This woman lives in public housing and they do weekly “health and safety” inspections. WEEKLY? I have cone to terns with having to endure occasional inspections. I have even accepted that while not what I want,a little oversight is NEEDED.

But weekly is going to shred my nerves. At one point,I had a psych note requiring the landlord give 24 hours notice before coming inside my safe space. It is that upsetting. I don’t even like friends and family in my safe space without a heads up.

So of course,my brain jumped to the conclusion that the housing I applied for will be the same. Panic ensues. Weekly is insane. Biweekly maybe,but that intrusive level.is truly too much oversight. This is why I have avoided public housing for well,my whole life. I need my safe space to be safe. And having.looked at the 30% income base,I really won’t be saving much on rent. So is it worth the intrusion?

Not that I have much choice. And having no choice is as crushing as overly invasive landlords. Feels like I have no choice in anything. Feeling powerless will not help me beat the depression.

But first,I need this physical stuff resolved

I just want my mental and physical problems gone so I can get a job and be normal. So much more control when you work. And maybe putting in time on a low paying job would build a good reference to a good paying one. Wanting to be in control of my life is not a bad thing.

Stomach is churning. Paranoia is rising. I am going to be dealing with new landlords for the indefinite future. I really need Xanax. At least it kills the paranoia and quashes the panic. Anxiety I can manage. The sirens going iff 24-7 have always been the biggest issue.

At least I bathed today. Someday I hope my mind is well enough to not have to list putting on clean clothes,deodorant,and brushing fangs as a daily goal to ensure I remember. And it would be super great if I could actually feel my fingertips again so I write more than I correct. Anything that messes with me writing is a crippling ailment that MUST be healed.

Messy Mind

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on April 27, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Anxiety is mind boggling. Bad thoughts tug at the corners of my mind. It’s frightening when you live in fear of your own thoughts. I have tried to busy myself. Dishes. Laundry. Cooking. Auto pilot. Stuff getting done but with a deafening soundtrack of anxiety bordering on panic. I really don’t want to live this way anymore.

Ate my pot roast,carrots and potatoes. Prefer pork but it was okay. Like everything else of late,my enthusiasm is lackluster and satisfaction little. I tried looking forward to the food. I wanted it to be great. And it was cooked well. Just…meh.

I have my first counseling phone appointment next Wednesday at 9 a.m. with Kara. Relieved it is set up but not holding out hope for it being useful. Trying to keep an open mind but…meh.

This day is looong already. 4:30 a.m. wake ups make it seem eternal.

Found a show that half distracts,4th try today. i already watched all seasons but it is set in Florida so thought pretyh sceneru might alter my mindset.

Got an email from a teacher. Ben blew off an entire assignment and really cannot get caught up. So I get the stress of taking his phone. Which after all the lies he told me seems fitting.

My stomach is really upset now. I don’t want a blow up. Really don’t need him cussing me and highlighting my every flaw. Parenting kinda sucks when you have to be the bad guy all the time. Suckier when it results in verbal and physical attacks.

Not a fan of this day or mental state. Bad Thoughts are tugging.