Freeze!

Much discussion has taken place as far as bipolar depression and anxiety disorder. Fight or flight are legit responses when mid panic. However,there is a third reaction that rarely gets mentioned. I am talking about “deer in the headlights with speeding car coming at you but the deer just remains rooted in place.”

THIS “freeze” state is very real for many of us. It can be debilitating. It can cost you friends or jobs. Few people grasp mental illness enough to think freeze is just “another excuse to avoid doing what you need to do”.

For years,I only focused on fight or flight. The shrinks never touched on freeze aspect. This lead to instability in jobs and relationships. It robbed me of the joy of listening to music as my sensory overload was at fever pitch. People giving a gentle shove and “get over it” made it worse.

Now the other kind of freeze,usually stemming from depression. My house is biohazard 4. I try to break it down in smaller tasks but then ADD brain sees something shiny and onto the next task. Nothing really gets finished with this. You face it. You remind yourself you will feel better after a shower or completion of a task. Problem for me is,the reward center of my brain just does nothing. Things I once enjoyed are now more chore than happy fun ball time.

So despite wandering for 10 minutes see what little chores I might tackle…I saw it all and got so overwhelmed I returned to the safety.of my recliner. I do this multiple times a day. I never start out with a “fuck this” mentality. I am trying so hard to get the fuck out of the oncoming headlights. I cannot move an inch. The feelings of cowardice,self loathing,and self disgust will haunt and cripple me for days,weeks to come.

Freeze is very real. Very debilitating. Very embarrassing. All I can do is survive. Which means radical acceptance of that which plagues me. Not good with the acceptance thing but I am trying. At this point,I would lick a hallucinogenic toad to escape my current mental state.

If you run the gamut of fight,flight,freeze and need a friend,I am here.

I guess I was going to jot a lil down about A.D.D but this post is much longer than I intended. Another time. I am riding out the current freeze but it is bloody exhausting. I try so hard to identify triggerd and-

OMGODLOOKATTHATADORABLEBUNNYOUTSIDE!

This is my reality. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Well,Fuck

53 minutes into phone therapy…K informs me she just got a note saying they can no longer bill my insurance for some reason so since paying out of pocket is out of my means…You have to find a new counselor. Like a kick to the gut and head. The abruptness just about put me into tears. How the fuck is booting you that way over money anything but damaging to mental health? I am still stunned.

What makes it worse is being in the freeze cycle of my anxiety. I can’t even work up nerve to call Soc Sec about my kid’s death benefit money from his dad. 7 months now. As payee I can’t set up an inline account. There is no one to help. The few times I screwed up courage to call the estimated wait times were too long since my phone doesn’t charge right and battery drain is so fast on calls. Now I am supposed to sort through an insurance company b.s.on the phone?

And now I get to tell the NP today about the counseling situation cos they ALWAYS ask and then will apply prwssure to me to get it going again. Facing months long wait.lists,insurance hurdles,andy own trust issues. I just want ti go to sleep and never wake up. Dammit,I am tired. A new psych provider one koth,a new counselor the bext. Our tv quit then the microwave was knocked out by a storm that knocked out power for 2 days,ruining over $100 of food I can’t replace. I am fucking drowning.

Obviously I need to clear my head so I will resume reading my book about a serial killer as a mental palate cleanser. To remind myself at least no one is deliberately trying to kill me. As if that is a plus at this moment.

Only Intensity Ever Changes

My kid has an appt with his psych NP in an hour. I am took Xanax in,trying to shake off lifelong “appointment anxiety”. Doesn’t matter if mine or my kid’s,it is just free floating anxiety. My stomach is in knots. Common as of late. And I know I will be chastized for failing to get Ben to the labwork required for ADHD meds. The strict laws and cover your ass thing docs do. All I can say about my failure as a mom is that I am struggling on anti depressant monotherapy and have felt worsewith the thyroid pills. And my memory sucks. And my follow through is limited as I am currently in my freeze stage of anxiety.

Quiet couple of weeks with Ben. Quieter,anyway. Maybe the Seroquel is helping his blow ups. Maybe it is cos I have dissolved into reading (65 books in under a month,bless public library) and tiptoe around him and what I say. This week he has decided he may be gender fluid and prefer they them pronouns. Then he tells me scientific studies show trans isn’t a choice. As if I didn’t grasp that. Though with current culture,kids are so confused and inundated with LGBTQ on social media,I am leary of my kid being locked in since it changes so every other week. Last week is was non binary. Just makes me confused.

Tomorrow I have phone therapy at 8am.Ben has his final community service 2-3:30,so I can make my 2nd appt with the new NP via computer screen. I hate telepsych,always have,and NPs have not wvwe helped. So I am filled with anxiety and dread for tomorrow. Just gotta auto pilot through it all. The anxiety and dread never go away. The severity ebbs and flows. I am not a fan.

The Same

Long time,no write. When my med dose increased,all the noise I felt compelled to vent…stopped. My mind didn’t quiet much but desire and ability to wax loquaciously vanished. I hate it. Writing is my oxygen. I feel like I am smothering,not being able to get it all out. I guess the current med combo reined in my out of control emotions. I should be happy about that. I am not.

Not much has changed. I submitted paper work and pulled my kid out of his hellish school. Home schooling makes me a nervous wreck. The kid blows up over every tiny thing,especially my every effort to set boundaries or hold him accountable for his actions. He has no self discipline. Stays up all night,sleeps all day. Attached 24-7 to his phone even the him cussing me has resulted in 2 months without buying him phone service. Nothing works with this kid. Meantime he blames me for all his problems,throws around his mental issues,and screams like a banshee when Issy no or so much as have a differing opinion. He ran off my friend by raising his fists to him. I am imprisoned. And people just keep saying don’t give up on the kid. As if my desire for peace,cooperation,and ability to have my own life mean I don’t love my kid. If anythinf,he has made it clear he has given up onme and will continue to cuss and scream at me because I traumatized him.

Imprisoned,especially now he is home 24-7 and rarely has interest in changing that. One of his bullies and her crew live nearby so he is scared to go out even tho the girl already beat him up. And it was Ben’s idea to mouth off and invite her to come down here to fight. Mostly it was thhis nasty 14 year old mouth yanking my kid’s hair whileher sycophants video taped it. I am tryimg to be empathetic but all it does is teach him not to learn coping skills. Just hide out.

As for me…money shortage again. TV and microwave quit but thankfully dad had spares even if they are 20 years old. My psych dr I adored retired. Now I am stuck with a psych nurse via telehealth. Only seen her once and she seems nice but too many bad experiences with NPs has me wary and hopeless. I reconnected with the first friend I ever made on Facebpok. We text or call daily. She is in CA and homeless. We are very different. She adores Trunp,religion and bigotry against lgbtq. She also has a very kind side O focus on. I don’t need a copy of myself. Been reading a lot the past few weeks. Stoll doing my Finch self care app and pkaying Kitty Letter. Yard sales s. Siriys XM. Just trying to hang in there.

The same.

Alternatives

I tried an alternative for treating my depression and anxiety. Just the occasional edible to dull the screaming nerves. Pricey method and not all peachy but wow. The noise in my head was barely a whisper. Hard to argue with positive outcome. Not a default state I would choose yet valid option funds permitting. Viva the new dispensary. Fought all my life against being a burn out. Maybe time to admit my fervor may be denying me relief.

I was a lump for 2 days. Avoiding.phones,mail,etc. Just existing in a calm state,both dreading its end while hurrying it up so I can be lucid 100. I baffle myself.

Today I managed clean clothes,meds,refill ice trays,brew tea,check mail and make 2 calls about our med refills. That is a huge deal for me. Now I wait for dreaded therapy. It is so stressful,trying to keep up a conversation for 50 minutes. Phone calls are grueling for me. Nothing new to discuss anyway,gets old week after week. I wanna blow it off but know the guilt would gnaw at me.

So…deep breaths. Affirmation. Mantras. Survival.

Recover

Yesterday I finally managed to drop rent money off and wash a triple load of my clothes at laundromat. Ridiculous since I have a washer but that stupid drain set up stresses me THAT much. I also cooked.chicken noodles yday. Today,I try to recover. Who knew pushing yourself so hard would exhaust this much?

As usual the start of the week brings massive anxiety. Esp since my kid got suspended last week. Neverending drama with him. Phone calls,mail,formal situations,it all starts on Monday. So begins the 5 day walk on eggshells mode. I just know the housing will be calling because I slid the rent under the door. Idiotic not to have a drop box accessible on weekends. It was so hard for me to face that task it is amazing I got it done at all. And I am.still not ready.to handle formal phone calls. Wish.it could all be done thru text and email.

For now I breathe and try to soothe myself. Recovering from taxing days is rough. Iykyk.

Sleep Addiction

Not yet noon and I have napped twice already. I want more napping. This aversion to consciousness cannot be normal. I live on melatonin and benadryl.to nap at will. I am tired of it. But it is chilly.out,my kid is still asleep and thoughts of all that needs done are crushing me. Napping is a coping skill. And.not.entirely in avoidance mode. I paid bills online,filled out the money order and a note explaining the lateness…

I just wanna sleep more.

Grunge

I feel like I should be in.a 90s grunge band. Not bathed since Wednesday. Which was the day sis dyed my hair so.my scalp.is.itchy and red dye remnants are under my nails. I am rewearing dirty clothes since all my clean clothes are summer stuff and I am bloody freezing. Thought.of a shower sets my jaw grinding and my body shivering. Idk why the drs won’t listen.to me. This 6 months a year of unable to get warm has become a serious hindrance. Yes,depression makes hygiene hard but when it was in the 60s Wednesday I showered after becoming.soaked with sweat. For whatever reason,science is skipping me with the whole shower will raise your core temp.

As grunge-tastic as I feel,as ashamed and embarrassed I am to be this way…until I can stop shivering,a shower is not happening.

We went to game night with Mom and Sis last.night. I was so exhausted from fight or flight anxiety all day all I could focus on was leaving. I tried to have fun. I wore my happy mask. And god knows I didn’t want to risk my kid exploding by changing plans and not going. I just was not in good shape yesterday,mentally.

Today is not looking any better. Still gotta face the rent thing. Still gotta face laundry. I don’t wanna. I also said I would cook chicken noodles today but ugh,not sure I have the energy. Yesterday drained me. But do I have the central nervous system bandwidth of not making them and facing.my kid’s wrath? I am so tired of my kid’s behavior. Nothing I buy him.is ever enough. Going out with him is misery because he is the I Want monster.

For now…just accept that I feel like shit and need to zone out. Pressuring myself to go Nike and just do it has the opposite effect. I don’t respond to bullying even from myself. And the saddest part is,I would.not be expected to tough love myself if I had a broken bone or IBS. Nope. You take your time and heal…Mental illness? Suck it up,you are better than this making excuses and whining…

As far as society has come in how it handles mental illness…it has a very long way to.go.before it.is kimd and empathetic.

Little Relief

Went to the kiddie party. Ben bailed to go to the mall w a friend. It wasn’t awful. Pizza and cake and ice cream. But the whole time my mind screamed at me that I needed to be home. I escaped and am home now,Xanax on board,but have gotten little relief. Idk why. Probably the housing situation. They never did call back. Not gotten mail or anything. In my panic,I forgot to pay rent. I got a money.order so hopefully I can get it into the payment box before Monday. My brain is just so…haywire. I haven’t been late on rent in 15 years. I am seriously impaired.

If it were physical people would be more understanding. Mental illness just gets you castigated. It is tiring.

Target

Had to take my kid’s friend home after a sleepover. Whole time “out there” I felt like I had a target on me and everyone was armed. Keep in mind it isn’t like a visual hallucination.I know it is an anxiety distortion. BUT it FELT like I was unsafe and targeted. Then my kid had a blow up so that amplified.my stress. We are supposed to go to a bday party today but I am already tapped out. I hate flaking. I got a gift. But the kid is 2 and doesn’t even know me so only his grandmother would notice our absence.

I hate plans in advance as much as I hate surprises. I cannot predict when my mind is going to go haywire. Today started out iffy. A 40 minute call from my dad decrying the state of the world didn’t help. But it really was ninja panic,I didn’t see it coming. How am I supposed to act rationally when my mind is only sending irrational information?

It’s 9:30 am and I am exhausted.