Alternatives

I tried an alternative for treating my depression and anxiety. Just the occasional edible to dull the screaming nerves. Pricey method and not all peachy but wow. The noise in my head was barely a whisper. Hard to argue with positive outcome. Not a default state I would choose yet valid option funds permitting. Viva the new dispensary. Fought all my life against being a burn out. Maybe time to admit my fervor may be denying me relief.

I was a lump for 2 days. Avoiding.phones,mail,etc. Just existing in a calm state,both dreading its end while hurrying it up so I can be lucid 100. I baffle myself.

Today I managed clean clothes,meds,refill ice trays,brew tea,check mail and make 2 calls about our med refills. That is a huge deal for me. Now I wait for dreaded therapy. It is so stressful,trying to keep up a conversation for 50 minutes. Phone calls are grueling for me. Nothing new to discuss anyway,gets old week after week. I wanna blow it off but know the guilt would gnaw at me.

So…deep breaths. Affirmation. Mantras. Survival.

Recover

Yesterday I finally managed to drop rent money off and wash a triple load of my clothes at laundromat. Ridiculous since I have a washer but that stupid drain set up stresses me THAT much. I also cooked.chicken noodles yday. Today,I try to recover. Who knew pushing yourself so hard would exhaust this much?

As usual the start of the week brings massive anxiety. Esp since my kid got suspended last week. Neverending drama with him. Phone calls,mail,formal situations,it all starts on Monday. So begins the 5 day walk on eggshells mode. I just know the housing will be calling because I slid the rent under the door. Idiotic not to have a drop box accessible on weekends. It was so hard for me to face that task it is amazing I got it done at all. And I am.still not ready.to handle formal phone calls. Wish.it could all be done thru text and email.

For now I breathe and try to soothe myself. Recovering from taxing days is rough. Iykyk.

Sleep Addiction

Not yet noon and I have napped twice already. I want more napping. This aversion to consciousness cannot be normal. I live on melatonin and benadryl.to nap at will. I am tired of it. But it is chilly.out,my kid is still asleep and thoughts of all that needs done are crushing me. Napping is a coping skill. And.not.entirely in avoidance mode. I paid bills online,filled out the money order and a note explaining the lateness…

I just wanna sleep more.

Grunge

I feel like I should be in.a 90s grunge band. Not bathed since Wednesday. Which was the day sis dyed my hair so.my scalp.is.itchy and red dye remnants are under my nails. I am rewearing dirty clothes since all my clean clothes are summer stuff and I am bloody freezing. Thought.of a shower sets my jaw grinding and my body shivering. Idk why the drs won’t listen.to me. This 6 months a year of unable to get warm has become a serious hindrance. Yes,depression makes hygiene hard but when it was in the 60s Wednesday I showered after becoming.soaked with sweat. For whatever reason,science is skipping me with the whole shower will raise your core temp.

As grunge-tastic as I feel,as ashamed and embarrassed I am to be this way…until I can stop shivering,a shower is not happening.

We went to game night with Mom and Sis last.night. I was so exhausted from fight or flight anxiety all day all I could focus on was leaving. I tried to have fun. I wore my happy mask. And god knows I didn’t want to risk my kid exploding by changing plans and not going. I just was not in good shape yesterday,mentally.

Today is not looking any better. Still gotta face the rent thing. Still gotta face laundry. I don’t wanna. I also said I would cook chicken noodles today but ugh,not sure I have the energy. Yesterday drained me. But do I have the central nervous system bandwidth of not making them and facing.my kid’s wrath? I am so tired of my kid’s behavior. Nothing I buy him.is ever enough. Going out with him is misery because he is the I Want monster.

For now…just accept that I feel like shit and need to zone out. Pressuring myself to go Nike and just do it has the opposite effect. I don’t respond to bullying even from myself. And the saddest part is,I would.not be expected to tough love myself if I had a broken bone or IBS. Nope. You take your time and heal…Mental illness? Suck it up,you are better than this making excuses and whining…

As far as society has come in how it handles mental illness…it has a very long way to.go.before it.is kimd and empathetic.

Little Relief

Went to the kiddie party. Ben bailed to go to the mall w a friend. It wasn’t awful. Pizza and cake and ice cream. But the whole time my mind screamed at me that I needed to be home. I escaped and am home now,Xanax on board,but have gotten little relief. Idk why. Probably the housing situation. They never did call back. Not gotten mail or anything. In my panic,I forgot to pay rent. I got a money.order so hopefully I can get it into the payment box before Monday. My brain is just so…haywire. I haven’t been late on rent in 15 years. I am seriously impaired.

If it were physical people would be more understanding. Mental illness just gets you castigated. It is tiring.

Target

Had to take my kid’s friend home after a sleepover. Whole time “out there” I felt like I had a target on me and everyone was armed. Keep in mind it isn’t like a visual hallucination.I know it is an anxiety distortion. BUT it FELT like I was unsafe and targeted. Then my kid had a blow up so that amplified.my stress. We are supposed to go to a bday party today but I am already tapped out. I hate flaking. I got a gift. But the kid is 2 and doesn’t even know me so only his grandmother would notice our absence.

I hate plans in advance as much as I hate surprises. I cannot predict when my mind is going to go haywire. Today started out iffy. A 40 minute call from my dad decrying the state of the world didn’t help. But it really was ninja panic,I didn’t see it coming. How am I supposed to act rationally when my mind is only sending irrational information?

It’s 9:30 am and I am exhausted.

Cold,Nervous,and Defeated

Housing called the other day. I missed the call. They never call unless there is a problem. Considering I had my recertification 2 weeks ago,I assume I screwed up something in the paperwork or the cat is too noisy or my kid’s blow ups are too loud and frequent. So many reasons they can refuse to renew. And my overwhelmed depressed deficient brain is on meltdown. They did not call back. I couldn’t work up nerve to call them. Rent is due so I gotta face that today. I would rather remove my eyeballs with a melon baller,the panic is so bad. When panicked I react rather than respond so I am trying to calm down before facing it.

Normal people would rip the bandage off. They say grow up. I say walk a mile in my shoes. My gut is tied in pretzels. I am dizzy. I am trembling. My gut keeps contorting painfully. My kingdom to never feel this way again.

Noise Is Coming Back

Yesterday the mind was quieter. I was able to go to mom’s for game night. I drove after dark. We stayed til 12:30am so I was out of safe space 6 hours. Was it easy? No. At one point everyone was talking,a toddler was playing with a toy doorbell,my sis has radio playing,my kid was blasting Spotify…and sensory overload almost induced a screaming panic attack. I fought it back. Then Ben had one of his episodes,albeit milder than.usual,and I got distracted from one stressor by another…

He didn’t talk to me for 20 straight minutes after calling me a plethora of swear words in front of the family. Them defending me and chastising him made it worse. And then we were home and bam,he wants hugs and banter. Psychological whiplash. He went to bed. I was awake 2.more hours trying to decompress. All that sensory overload took a toll. I am glad I went. I am happy I fought through it. But…

The noise is coming back today. No discernable trigger. If anything a boring Sunday at home should be soothing me. Nope. My mind is galloping with catch 22 thoughts so I accomplish nothing,feel bad for it,then all the potential for bad juju starts in…I am exhausted from never sleeping more than 2 hours at a time but I am absolutely depleted by the sheer random cycles in my conditions. I cannot plan ahead because I never know when the crazy will come stampeding. And yeah,yeah,crazy is a bad word,it is distorted thought but…

Arghhhh. Flustered and frustrated=flustrated. I need a vacation from me.

Quieter Today

My mind is less chaotic today. It started to calm last night once my kid was home and I rode it out. I was truly scared I might have to go to the ER for a psych hold. My thoughts were that distorted and frightening. So glad it calmed down. After dark once the potential for calls and visits died down I was even able to enjoy some music on my Skull Candy xmas headphones. Sleep didn’t come easily or fast. But it was a good day with my kid so I was able to keep fighting through.

I have lil motivation today but…a quietrr mind is a gift. I grateful.

I Need A Support System

I have been feeling so alone lately. My kid either stays in his room or comes out screaming in a mood to fight and curse me. My family is peripheral. They just don’t get how bad my mental health is. And I drop hints but I also mask like an Oscar winning actress.

I used to have a wonderful online support system. Then chat rooms died. Some recovered and vanished. A couple lost their battle to depression. Others just seemed to tire of me and…I am all alone. When I need support the most. 12 years of this blog,no regular followers. I do have vague interaction with a couple of bloggers but it’s not enough. I am opening up more on Facebook,at least trying for shallow interactions.

But I am alone and I am as close to considering hospitalization as I have ever been. But I have a kid and cat counting on me so that is absolute last ditch effort. Just a few friends (like one or two) to hear me out and cheer me on could be a Godsend. Sadly,as an introvert,making friends is sooo hard. How do I make people like me and care? Fact I view it as making them like me indicates I have zero social skills. Maybe I am just unlikeable or I would have friends. Get a clue,Niki.

That would be the depression and anxiety talking. What I need help with the most are what no one wants to deal with. Me included. Sometimes I mask so well I can even convince myself it is not that bad. I am just neurotic. Malingering. I know it is garbage.

People,like my dad,think I lead this gravy train work free life of leisure. I would give anything to hold a job and never ever feel this dark jumpiness again. Anything. But this is reality. And I need a support system. I just hope it doesn’t involve a stay in a hospital where people are paid to care about me. I wish I were enough for people to just…care.