Recover

Yesterday I finally managed to drop rent money off and wash a triple load of my clothes at laundromat. Ridiculous since I have a washer but that stupid drain set up stresses me THAT much. I also cooked.chicken noodles yday. Today,I try to recover. Who knew pushing yourself so hard would exhaust this much?

As usual the start of the week brings massive anxiety. Esp since my kid got suspended last week. Neverending drama with him. Phone calls,mail,formal situations,it all starts on Monday. So begins the 5 day walk on eggshells mode. I just know the housing will be calling because I slid the rent under the door. Idiotic not to have a drop box accessible on weekends. It was so hard for me to face that task it is amazing I got it done at all. And I am.still not ready.to handle formal phone calls. Wish.it could all be done thru text and email.

For now I breathe and try to soothe myself. Recovering from taxing days is rough. Iykyk.

Grunge

I feel like I should be in.a 90s grunge band. Not bathed since Wednesday. Which was the day sis dyed my hair so.my scalp.is.itchy and red dye remnants are under my nails. I am rewearing dirty clothes since all my clean clothes are summer stuff and I am bloody freezing. Thought.of a shower sets my jaw grinding and my body shivering. Idk why the drs won’t listen.to me. This 6 months a year of unable to get warm has become a serious hindrance. Yes,depression makes hygiene hard but when it was in the 60s Wednesday I showered after becoming.soaked with sweat. For whatever reason,science is skipping me with the whole shower will raise your core temp.

As grunge-tastic as I feel,as ashamed and embarrassed I am to be this way…until I can stop shivering,a shower is not happening.

We went to game night with Mom and Sis last.night. I was so exhausted from fight or flight anxiety all day all I could focus on was leaving. I tried to have fun. I wore my happy mask. And god knows I didn’t want to risk my kid exploding by changing plans and not going. I just was not in good shape yesterday,mentally.

Today is not looking any better. Still gotta face the rent thing. Still gotta face laundry. I don’t wanna. I also said I would cook chicken noodles today but ugh,not sure I have the energy. Yesterday drained me. But do I have the central nervous system bandwidth of not making them and facing.my kid’s wrath? I am so tired of my kid’s behavior. Nothing I buy him.is ever enough. Going out with him is misery because he is the I Want monster.

For now…just accept that I feel like shit and need to zone out. Pressuring myself to go Nike and just do it has the opposite effect. I don’t respond to bullying even from myself. And the saddest part is,I would.not be expected to tough love myself if I had a broken bone or IBS. Nope. You take your time and heal…Mental illness? Suck it up,you are better than this making excuses and whining…

As far as society has come in how it handles mental illness…it has a very long way to.go.before it.is kimd and empathetic.

Target

Had to take my kid’s friend home after a sleepover. Whole time “out there” I felt like I had a target on me and everyone was armed. Keep in mind it isn’t like a visual hallucination.I know it is an anxiety distortion. BUT it FELT like I was unsafe and targeted. Then my kid had a blow up so that amplified.my stress. We are supposed to go to a bday party today but I am already tapped out. I hate flaking. I got a gift. But the kid is 2 and doesn’t even know me so only his grandmother would notice our absence.

I hate plans in advance as much as I hate surprises. I cannot predict when my mind is going to go haywire. Today started out iffy. A 40 minute call from my dad decrying the state of the world didn’t help. But it really was ninja panic,I didn’t see it coming. How am I supposed to act rationally when my mind is only sending irrational information?

It’s 9:30 am and I am exhausted.

Cold,Nervous,and Defeated

Housing called the other day. I missed the call. They never call unless there is a problem. Considering I had my recertification 2 weeks ago,I assume I screwed up something in the paperwork or the cat is too noisy or my kid’s blow ups are too loud and frequent. So many reasons they can refuse to renew. And my overwhelmed depressed deficient brain is on meltdown. They did not call back. I couldn’t work up nerve to call them. Rent is due so I gotta face that today. I would rather remove my eyeballs with a melon baller,the panic is so bad. When panicked I react rather than respond so I am trying to calm down before facing it.

Normal people would rip the bandage off. They say grow up. I say walk a mile in my shoes. My gut is tied in pretzels. I am dizzy. I am trembling. My gut keeps contorting painfully. My kingdom to never feel this way again.

Noise Is Coming Back

Yesterday the mind was quieter. I was able to go to mom’s for game night. I drove after dark. We stayed til 12:30am so I was out of safe space 6 hours. Was it easy? No. At one point everyone was talking,a toddler was playing with a toy doorbell,my sis has radio playing,my kid was blasting Spotify…and sensory overload almost induced a screaming panic attack. I fought it back. Then Ben had one of his episodes,albeit milder than.usual,and I got distracted from one stressor by another…

He didn’t talk to me for 20 straight minutes after calling me a plethora of swear words in front of the family. Them defending me and chastising him made it worse. And then we were home and bam,he wants hugs and banter. Psychological whiplash. He went to bed. I was awake 2.more hours trying to decompress. All that sensory overload took a toll. I am glad I went. I am happy I fought through it. But…

The noise is coming back today. No discernable trigger. If anything a boring Sunday at home should be soothing me. Nope. My mind is galloping with catch 22 thoughts so I accomplish nothing,feel bad for it,then all the potential for bad juju starts in…I am exhausted from never sleeping more than 2 hours at a time but I am absolutely depleted by the sheer random cycles in my conditions. I cannot plan ahead because I never know when the crazy will come stampeding. And yeah,yeah,crazy is a bad word,it is distorted thought but…

Arghhhh. Flustered and frustrated=flustrated. I need a vacation from me.

I Need A Support System

I have been feeling so alone lately. My kid either stays in his room or comes out screaming in a mood to fight and curse me. My family is peripheral. They just don’t get how bad my mental health is. And I drop hints but I also mask like an Oscar winning actress.

I used to have a wonderful online support system. Then chat rooms died. Some recovered and vanished. A couple lost their battle to depression. Others just seemed to tire of me and…I am all alone. When I need support the most. 12 years of this blog,no regular followers. I do have vague interaction with a couple of bloggers but it’s not enough. I am opening up more on Facebook,at least trying for shallow interactions.

But I am alone and I am as close to considering hospitalization as I have ever been. But I have a kid and cat counting on me so that is absolute last ditch effort. Just a few friends (like one or two) to hear me out and cheer me on could be a Godsend. Sadly,as an introvert,making friends is sooo hard. How do I make people like me and care? Fact I view it as making them like me indicates I have zero social skills. Maybe I am just unlikeable or I would have friends. Get a clue,Niki.

That would be the depression and anxiety talking. What I need help with the most are what no one wants to deal with. Me included. Sometimes I mask so well I can even convince myself it is not that bad. I am just neurotic. Malingering. I know it is garbage.

People,like my dad,think I lead this gravy train work free life of leisure. I would give anything to hold a job and never ever feel this dark jumpiness again. Anything. But this is reality. And I need a support system. I just hope it doesn’t involve a stay in a hospital where people are paid to care about me. I wish I were enough for people to just…care.

Drive

I have been struggling with my anxiety and panic with driving for several years now. Pounding heart,paranoia,twitchibg,fear,erratic breathing,white knuckling the wheel,jaw grinding…all while my mind races and points out every tiny thing that COULD go wrong. And it would be my fault for going out when I should have stayed home. Man,those 4 years in Armpit with my dad’s constant criticism and blame have given me some sort of complex ptsd.

BUT…twice today despite every instinct screaming to stay put…I managed two car outings. It was tense. I could.not have been more nervous if a robber was holding me at gunpoint. In my mind,when racing thoughts would allow,I kept telling myself,no,the illness cannot be allowed to win. And today it didn’t win. At least the anxiety didn’t win.

The depression is eating me alive. I can barely manage clean clothes and making sandwiches. I did dishes for the first time in a week Thursday and was as proud as if I had scaled a mountain. Laundry is piled up in trash bags since I cannot trust the sink to drain the washer without flooding. I need desperately to go to the laundromat but…anxiety is screaming about bad juju and pounding heart and…I am frozen. And Ben had a friend over today-the ritzy preppy one- and she said something about her spoon wasn’t clean blah blah. Embarrassing but geesh. Just wash it off,get another,or use a plastic one. No need to be so rude. And no,her Autism doesn’t fly with me. She is rude. Makes fun of my goth makeup. I do not like her but I suck it up because Ben has so few friends. I like hearing him laugh and have fun. But now I feel ashamed of my lousy housekeeping. And my bedroom aka the junk room where stuff has piled up for 6 months. Barely a path to walk. Over and over I try to face it and get it sorted. And I cannot organize my thoughts and I freeze. Living in terror of next inspection. Hell livibg in terror my lease won’tbe renewed because I got my mail while not wearing a bra or sone silly obscure rule. Fight,flight,freeze all at once. Freeze is winning.

For now,I will take the win against the crippling anxiety. My legs are like jelly in the aftermath so I will just relax,do breath exercises,and hope my brain will quiet enough for sleep. Mental illness is exhausting.

Formal Anxiety

I have my mandatory yearly housing review in a few hours. Only got 3 hours total sleep because anxiety had me walking on razor blades. Formal settings with “authority figures” really sets off my fight,flight,freeze panic receptors. But the woman and agency basically hold our life in their hands. And while I have worked really hard to go by the rules,I signed 40 plus pages and of course,I didn’t do more than skim. Like reading does any good since I forget stuff 2 minutes later. Even important formal stuff. So between Ben’s loud explosions and my vocal cat,I expect complaints have been made even tho no notices or complaints were made to me.

Good old panic,assuming problems based solely on distorted fear. I have to face,though,that I could have inadvertently broken a lease rule. Like missing my first appt because I wrote it as the 8th but it was the third. Somehow numeric dyslexia and sloppy handwriting don’t seem like excuses that will fly. Except they aren’t excuses,this is my reality. Explanations are not excuses nor a failure to take responaibility for my failings.

I also have phone therapy and told her it was a good time. Turns out,I told her my appt was at 2pm but turns out it is 11 and therapy is at 10. I know she will understand but my psych accesses my records to ensure I am doing counseling,I don’t want shortened sessions making me look non compliant. The numbers of appts get me so confused. I can’t even do breathing exercises without getting confused as to breathe in thru nose,hold 2 seconds,out thru mouth. I get it all turned around. So I am not making excuses to shirk responsibilty. I get all confused even with basic stuff or things I like. My brain is thought salad.

I am also on eggshells with my kid. He got in school suspension for screaming curse words at a bully and today told me I may have to come get him cos if the bullies say anything he will stand up for himself. Which means blowing up,cursing,screaming…egad,that kid is gonna be the death of me. So today’s Xanax dose is a little more than usual in hopes it slows my pounding heart and racing panicky thoughts.

Will post more later on how it goes. Wish me luck not to have a breakdown and burst into tears. Meds have held tears at bay for months but like a sleeping,dormant beast…they can revive and turn me into a blubbering mess. Joy joy happy happy.

I

Unsafe

The anxiety ninjas appeared early today. Then got worse after my kid’s psych appt during which he started yelling and cursing me and the np and the center. Then I noticed a tire looks low,again. I am missing a wiper blade. So paranoia that people are fucking with my car kicked in. Coming home didn’t quell any of it. I feel unsafe. Just not sure from what. These distorted thoughts and physical manifestation if anxiety leave me at a loss. I am a strong woman. A badass. Why can I not beat anxiety?

So doors locked,lights out,computer binge playing a show to kill silence and sort of distract my mind. Logically,I KNOW this is part of my thought disordets. I still FEEL unsafe and scared. No one talks about that part. I posted on FB and well meaning people all said breathing exercises. As if I don’t run that into the ground. One suggested smoking pot. And since we just got a dispensary I have toyed with trying edibles. Pot never did much but.lower my iq and makeme sleepy but I am desperate.

For now…ride it out. Survive it. What else can I do?

Weak?

I started out at 5:30am feeling ok. Fewer wake ups,more restful sleep. ( That review off my plate really helped me relax a little so I slept better.) I listened to 2 hours of music via headphones,that is HUGE. Got my kid up…

And then the anxiety ninjas crept up and attacked.

Paranoia. Pounding heart. Sweaty armpits. Feelings of bad things coming. All of it,at once,from nowhere. So I took a Xanax and I feel weak…never mind how many days I take none. It still makes me feel like I am not trying hard enough and going for a quick fix. I know better so that mentality has been transferred by others. I hate it.

So last night’s big plan to shower in the a.m. is looking unlikely. I only have so many spoons and I gotta go finish xmas shopping and prep for SnowIcePocalypse this weekend. I need spoons for driving and busy stores. Wet wipes and Irish spring mop up on aisle 6 likely. Oh,well,at least I smell nice afterward. Shower later maybe? Depends on ho the day goes. Pounding heart panicky feeling does not bode well.

My kid had two huge blow ups last night. Actually picked up the lamp and threatened to throw it at me. I am doubtful he would but still makes me leery. Others just don’t see this side of Ben,they cannot believe he would act this way?. Like I make it up or dramatize to make the kid look bad. Trust me. Parents do not want to admit their kid hates them that much and threatens to hurt us. It feels like ineffectual parenting so all my fault. I did this. Thankfully,my counaelor helps remind me Ben is responsible for his actions. Ha. Not today. And I don’t want him labeled a bad kid or placed in some “home” for worst of the worst kids.

Oppositional Defiance Disorder sucks. Especially in a rural area where specialists don’t exist. Psych nurses push therapy. Counselor pushes meds. And so Ben and I suffer. And contrary to what he says,I DO care and I see how he hurts and being in this impossible to help catch 22 kills me.I do want to help. I just feel stuck and weak.