Alternatives

I tried an alternative for treating my depression and anxiety. Just the occasional edible to dull the screaming nerves. Pricey method and not all peachy but wow. The noise in my head was barely a whisper. Hard to argue with positive outcome. Not a default state I would choose yet valid option funds permitting. Viva the new dispensary. Fought all my life against being a burn out. Maybe time to admit my fervor may be denying me relief.

I was a lump for 2 days. Avoiding.phones,mail,etc. Just existing in a calm state,both dreading its end while hurrying it up so I can be lucid 100. I baffle myself.

Today I managed clean clothes,meds,refill ice trays,brew tea,check mail and make 2 calls about our med refills. That is a huge deal for me. Now I wait for dreaded therapy. It is so stressful,trying to keep up a conversation for 50 minutes. Phone calls are grueling for me. Nothing new to discuss anyway,gets old week after week. I wanna blow it off but know the guilt would gnaw at me.

So…deep breaths. Affirmation. Mantras. Survival.

Recover

Yesterday I finally managed to drop rent money off and wash a triple load of my clothes at laundromat. Ridiculous since I have a washer but that stupid drain set up stresses me THAT much. I also cooked.chicken noodles yday. Today,I try to recover. Who knew pushing yourself so hard would exhaust this much?

As usual the start of the week brings massive anxiety. Esp since my kid got suspended last week. Neverending drama with him. Phone calls,mail,formal situations,it all starts on Monday. So begins the 5 day walk on eggshells mode. I just know the housing will be calling because I slid the rent under the door. Idiotic not to have a drop box accessible on weekends. It was so hard for me to face that task it is amazing I got it done at all. And I am.still not ready.to handle formal phone calls. Wish.it could all be done thru text and email.

For now I breathe and try to soothe myself. Recovering from taxing days is rough. Iykyk.

Sleep Addiction

Not yet noon and I have napped twice already. I want more napping. This aversion to consciousness cannot be normal. I live on melatonin and benadryl.to nap at will. I am tired of it. But it is chilly.out,my kid is still asleep and thoughts of all that needs done are crushing me. Napping is a coping skill. And.not.entirely in avoidance mode. I paid bills online,filled out the money order and a note explaining the lateness…

I just wanna sleep more.

Grunge

I feel like I should be in.a 90s grunge band. Not bathed since Wednesday. Which was the day sis dyed my hair so.my scalp.is.itchy and red dye remnants are under my nails. I am rewearing dirty clothes since all my clean clothes are summer stuff and I am bloody freezing. Thought.of a shower sets my jaw grinding and my body shivering. Idk why the drs won’t listen.to me. This 6 months a year of unable to get warm has become a serious hindrance. Yes,depression makes hygiene hard but when it was in the 60s Wednesday I showered after becoming.soaked with sweat. For whatever reason,science is skipping me with the whole shower will raise your core temp.

As grunge-tastic as I feel,as ashamed and embarrassed I am to be this way…until I can stop shivering,a shower is not happening.

We went to game night with Mom and Sis last.night. I was so exhausted from fight or flight anxiety all day all I could focus on was leaving. I tried to have fun. I wore my happy mask. And god knows I didn’t want to risk my kid exploding by changing plans and not going. I just was not in good shape yesterday,mentally.

Today is not looking any better. Still gotta face the rent thing. Still gotta face laundry. I don’t wanna. I also said I would cook chicken noodles today but ugh,not sure I have the energy. Yesterday drained me. But do I have the central nervous system bandwidth of not making them and facing.my kid’s wrath? I am so tired of my kid’s behavior. Nothing I buy him.is ever enough. Going out with him is misery because he is the I Want monster.

For now…just accept that I feel like shit and need to zone out. Pressuring myself to go Nike and just do it has the opposite effect. I don’t respond to bullying even from myself. And the saddest part is,I would.not be expected to tough love myself if I had a broken bone or IBS. Nope. You take your time and heal…Mental illness? Suck it up,you are better than this making excuses and whining…

As far as society has come in how it handles mental illness…it has a very long way to.go.before it.is kimd and empathetic.

Little Relief

Went to the kiddie party. Ben bailed to go to the mall w a friend. It wasn’t awful. Pizza and cake and ice cream. But the whole time my mind screamed at me that I needed to be home. I escaped and am home now,Xanax on board,but have gotten little relief. Idk why. Probably the housing situation. They never did call back. Not gotten mail or anything. In my panic,I forgot to pay rent. I got a money.order so hopefully I can get it into the payment box before Monday. My brain is just so…haywire. I haven’t been late on rent in 15 years. I am seriously impaired.

If it were physical people would be more understanding. Mental illness just gets you castigated. It is tiring.

Noise Is Coming Back

Yesterday the mind was quieter. I was able to go to mom’s for game night. I drove after dark. We stayed til 12:30am so I was out of safe space 6 hours. Was it easy? No. At one point everyone was talking,a toddler was playing with a toy doorbell,my sis has radio playing,my kid was blasting Spotify…and sensory overload almost induced a screaming panic attack. I fought it back. Then Ben had one of his episodes,albeit milder than.usual,and I got distracted from one stressor by another…

He didn’t talk to me for 20 straight minutes after calling me a plethora of swear words in front of the family. Them defending me and chastising him made it worse. And then we were home and bam,he wants hugs and banter. Psychological whiplash. He went to bed. I was awake 2.more hours trying to decompress. All that sensory overload took a toll. I am glad I went. I am happy I fought through it. But…

The noise is coming back today. No discernable trigger. If anything a boring Sunday at home should be soothing me. Nope. My mind is galloping with catch 22 thoughts so I accomplish nothing,feel bad for it,then all the potential for bad juju starts in…I am exhausted from never sleeping more than 2 hours at a time but I am absolutely depleted by the sheer random cycles in my conditions. I cannot plan ahead because I never know when the crazy will come stampeding. And yeah,yeah,crazy is a bad word,it is distorted thought but…

Arghhhh. Flustered and frustrated=flustrated. I need a vacation from me.

Quieter Today

My mind is less chaotic today. It started to calm last night once my kid was home and I rode it out. I was truly scared I might have to go to the ER for a psych hold. My thoughts were that distorted and frightening. So glad it calmed down. After dark once the potential for calls and visits died down I was even able to enjoy some music on my Skull Candy xmas headphones. Sleep didn’t come easily or fast. But it was a good day with my kid so I was able to keep fighting through.

I have lil motivation today but…a quietrr mind is a gift. I grateful.

I Need A Support System

I have been feeling so alone lately. My kid either stays in his room or comes out screaming in a mood to fight and curse me. My family is peripheral. They just don’t get how bad my mental health is. And I drop hints but I also mask like an Oscar winning actress.

I used to have a wonderful online support system. Then chat rooms died. Some recovered and vanished. A couple lost their battle to depression. Others just seemed to tire of me and…I am all alone. When I need support the most. 12 years of this blog,no regular followers. I do have vague interaction with a couple of bloggers but it’s not enough. I am opening up more on Facebook,at least trying for shallow interactions.

But I am alone and I am as close to considering hospitalization as I have ever been. But I have a kid and cat counting on me so that is absolute last ditch effort. Just a few friends (like one or two) to hear me out and cheer me on could be a Godsend. Sadly,as an introvert,making friends is sooo hard. How do I make people like me and care? Fact I view it as making them like me indicates I have zero social skills. Maybe I am just unlikeable or I would have friends. Get a clue,Niki.

That would be the depression and anxiety talking. What I need help with the most are what no one wants to deal with. Me included. Sometimes I mask so well I can even convince myself it is not that bad. I am just neurotic. Malingering. I know it is garbage.

People,like my dad,think I lead this gravy train work free life of leisure. I would give anything to hold a job and never ever feel this dark jumpiness again. Anything. But this is reality. And I need a support system. I just hope it doesn’t involve a stay in a hospital where people are paid to care about me. I wish I were enough for people to just…care.

What’s It Like To Be Normal

Normal sucks. Unless it comes to your mental health. I want to run an errand but my stupid brain is telling me it is unsafe if I leave home. Like bad. And I am struggling just to write about it because again,my brain has decided a crippling depression if a great time for writer’s block 100%. But I want a record of how impaired I have become. Oh to have normal thought processes. When did it get this bad?

All I can do is keep going,keep fighting the cognitive distortion. It really sucks.

Post Edit:

I went out. Tire almost flat. Fix a flat failed,8 bucks wasted. Gas station nearest w air only takes card,barely enough fo two dollars in air. Second stop,two of my cards are missing so race back to gas station hoping they were on the ground and not stolen. They were. So I came home and the cat ran out. Got her back. Not saying I can predict the future but bad juju is real. I am staying home.

Bye Bye,Abilify,Again

Psych dr today. Going off Abilify due to side effects. Upping Cymbalta from 60mg to 120mg. Rest stays same. I really hope this stopping Abilify ends all this jumpiness and inability to sit still. Just glad the dr was open to it. She really is a good psych.

In other news…my kid is unbearable at times. Like just a not nice person unbearable. I am trying so hard to be understanding…but.my mental health is not helped with this bully terrorizing me w screaming cussing fits.

Bathed for the first time in a week or more. Ben is having a fit as I try to wrie this so I will cut it short. I am surviving. Best I can do.