New Blogger Community Post- Fight or Flight Mode: Life with Anxiety

Posted in blogger community, mental health with tags , , , , , , , on April 8, 2020 by morgueticiaatoms

It is Wednesday which means….I’ve posted my weekly mental health safespace piece to the blogger community. Please do check it out and all feedback is welcome. Thanks and have a great day 🙂

Rare Good Mental Health Day

Posted in anxiety, depression with tags , , , , , , , on April 7, 2020 by morgueticiaatoms

I didn’t get much sleep but like a switch was thrown in my brain…I had a good mental health day. It’s only 4 p.m. so it could change. But I bathed, I got my kid to do dishes and homework, I changed cat boxes, took out trash, ran errands here in town to get gas for the lawnmower, made fried chicken…It’s 77 degrees out and sunny, so that likely helps lift the seasaonal dull droms. Unfortunately, the forecast is calling for an overnight drop of 18 degrees and below freezing morning temps for a couple of days so…I am enjoying this ‘up’ moment while I can because the lasyt 7 or 8 or 9 days have been a hellish dark landscape of just wanting to cease to exist.

I even opened up lines of communication with one friend and while not the warmest reception, it’s a start.

I am TRYING.

For once I am in a tank top and sweating and have a fan on and I am not shivering or feeling cold so today is a big WIN.

Not real thrilled I had to be a law breaker and ‘break’ quarantine to stop by my dad’s house or go get gas for the mower, but corona or not, life does go on and my yard is looking more jungle than lawn. When I feel up to tackling the football field with nothing but a push mower by myself remains to be seen.

Still in a holding pattern on my meds, insurance, and the fucking pharmacy, grrrr.

I need cat food but I can’t afford multiple trips to town. As is, I think I have $10 to get Spook’s easter which will mostly be dollar gifts and candy to fill the plastic eggs I have. Woo hoo, big Easter for her. I mean, I am never one to overdo it, but I was hoping to at least get her the $20 playstore card she wanted and some craft stuff to keep her occupied while school is closed. But that is not how it worked out with the winter heating costs so…play the hand I am dealt.

For this moment in time…

I am well.

I wish it would stick but rapid cycling bipolar means you can never get too used to any frame of mind cos you’ll likely get whiplash when it up and changes on you without sending out a memo.

I know this is a high blip, but the flatline will likely return. Lather, rinse, repeat. Story of my bipolar life.

I will take the good mental health day, though, long as it lasts and be grateful.

I will NOT however spew rainbow about all this coronavirus and Trump bullshit no matter how good my mental state. Some stuff just plain sucks.

Viral Depression

Posted in anxiety, depression with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 6, 2020 by morgueticiaatoms

I am afraid the coronavirus does not just bring ‘cabin fever’ and mood swings and resentments from being cooped up. Not for me. Before all of this, there was a smidgeon of hope that my new medication and the change of season was actually boosting me into a better mental space. In a month, I’ve fallen into a black depression that makes me miss where I was six months. I only THOUGHT that was a bad depression, least then I could go out when I wanted, I didn’t have to obsess about touching my face or sanitizing my hands or wearing a mask or social distancing or living this fucking virus 24-7. This is VIRAL DEPRESSION, caused by the damn pandemic virus. Getting my dr appt bumped 3 weeks further away and now my pharmacy fucking up all my meds has no helped the situation at all. When I got blog silent and can’t even rant…things have gotten pretty fucking bad. I am TRYING to stay afloat. I dealt with my dad’s faction yesterday without smacking anyone with a shovel. Though the desire to do so is very prevalent. His lack of empathy and basic intelligence is on my last fucking nerve.

I also have a couple of friendship situations going on that are driving me nuts. I make nice and say no, I’m not mad, it’s all ok, but it’s not okay, at all. One I am irked with for just being a jackass who won’t play fair in the sandbox. The other, I am not necessarily mad at, but I am hurt about the way something went down and it didn’t have to go down the way, we had worked out a safe respectful way to handle such situations and it was their idea yet…rather than use that, they just went scorched earth and I am afraid the relationship is damaged beyond repair this time. I don’t want it to be which is why I am still interacting when rarely beckoned, but I feel like a kid who had their hand pressed into a hot stove. It fucking still hurts and I am not doing whateber I did wrong to get my hand burned again. Maybe I am being uber sensitive, maybe immature, maybe unreasonable but…

I am seeing things pretty clearly in certain respects. Nothing like a pandemic killing thousands of people to remind me that life is too short to settle for friends who have no respect for me. Finding out I was basically called off the bench because someone better bowed out of the friendship picture makes me feel like I am back in junior high. Even then when people played those bullshit games I was more content to go my own way, alone, than play along. Thing is, it’s a friendship so important to me and yet, from all indications from the other side, that is not reciprocated and I just don’t have time to play games. More than time, I don’t have the desire to play games. It’s hard to see someone doing shit that harms them but they won’t stop doing it then take it out on you rather than address their own actions that created the problem. I dunno, maybe I don’t have the clarity I thought I did. MAYBE BECAUSE WHEN PEOPLE STOP COMMUNICATING I AM LEFT ONLY WITH MY SIDE OF THINGS SO HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW IF I AM FAR OFF BASE?

I am a firm believer that people can change, but sometimes, especially when it comes to being a poor communicator, people may change for a wee bit of time but they quickly revert to form, shut down, then wonder why YOU have a problem. Wanting to know where I stand on a day to day basis isn’t asking too much. I guess it’s asking too much of them, though.

Bygones. (Only Ally McBeal fans will understand that segue.)

I am happy to say Spook and I are really getting along well. It’s a battle to get her to do homework, but we’ve not been fighting or anything. Her hyper noisy days sure wear me thin, but I stopped giving her the damn ADHD pills after that new doctor refused to refill them without blood work and forms filled out by 5 family members and the teacher and principal. Because that idiot doctor apparently isn’t aware that there is no school due to this little pandemic problem…But I am accustomed to my kid’s behavior,it’s all I’ve ever known. She’s no longer complaining that she feels foggy or hazy. I don’t think I will take her back unless it becomes a school problem should school ever start up again. If I can handle her sans meds, then basically the only real problem is the school has too few resources to keep her interested and engaged so she gets bored and they call it disrupting the class. Lazy.

Be different if insurance would give her the med that actually worked and had no side effects but since that isn’t gonna happen and I can’t pay $325 a month for it…Fuck ’em. She’s happier off the crap and still getting school work done, albeit at her own pace. We don’t do this whole mamby pamby mom and dad school teacher routine. Kids need structure, well, that is why I sent her to fucking school cos structure and consistency are not in my skill set. As long as the work is getting done, who gives a damn if we do it like a traditional classroom? She helped me pick up sticks in the yard yesterday, that was gym class.

Also, blogging has seemed rather frou frou in light of what is going on out there. Fussing about my mental issues while people are putting their lives on the line daily to save the lives of others…How shallow can one be?

But I also realize this is my therapy and I need to keep my head above water to get through this.

One week, hopefully they don’t cancel me again, til I see the shrink. I am gonna beg their office to work with the pharmacy and insurance to get my meds all straightened out, I shouldn’t need to make 6 trips to town for 6 different medications, it is really stressing me out and it’s uncalled for.

For now, I’d settle if I could just get my writing mojo back. Maybe I am not meant to be a social butterfly, but I damn well know I am meant to write so I just have to find a way to inspire myself to get out of my shell and get the words on the page. Doesn’t matter if they are drivel right now, just that I keep writing. The virus is taking too much from too many. The only way I see for me to fight back is to keep writing.

Just hard to do when your mind is blackened and your inspiration has gone in MIA.

Insomniac Lounge 4:29 a.m.

Posted in anxiety, depression with tags , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2020 by morgueticiaatoms

I woke up. I don’t know why. The day was so taxing, I honestly thought I’d collapse for ten hours.

And why was the day so taxing?

Well, I was up half the night, boiling eggs for my kid’s breakfast at 5:30 a.m because I couldn’t slow my mind enough to get back to sleep and I was out of melatonin, then around six I went back to Fort Blankie and fell asleep til 7:50 a.m. So once again, no consistent sleep therefore no real rest.

I waffled for an hour and a half about whether to go to town or not. I did NOT want to but I was acutely aware it had to happen be it today or tomorrow cos we needed food. Or Spook needed food, I’d live on garlic spaghetti noodles for a month if it were up to me, that is how much I hate shopping. Spook got up and dressed and brushed her hair and while subtle as an anvil to the head, I knew she was itching to just get out of the house for the first time in 2 weeks. I continued to waffle because I was still so tired and pondered what the minimart had that I could maybe pay way too much for but get to avoid the trip to town…

But at some point I ripped off the band aid, got dressed, brushed my hair and said let’s go.

The pharmacy did not have any of our meds ready because I hadn’t picked it up in a timely fashion. Then the girl told me mine were due to refill til the 14th and I asked then why am I getting texts telling me this is due for refill, this is filled and waiting and she had no answer.

We went to Dollar Tree and for the first time, all the tape marks and signs on social distancing really slammed into me. It’s unnerving when you have to stand six feet away while one person momopolizes the entire section you need to get to which would take 15 seconds but no, can’t put a toe over the line. By the time we got out of there with a replenished melatonin stash, I started going into panic meltdown in the parking lot. I felt exposed, unsafe, and scared. And my kid does the ONE thing I’ve told everyone to never ever say to me during a meltdown.

“Calm down.”

ARGGGHHH! Remind me to breathe deeply. Ask if I am ok. Open my car door for me. Just don’t fucking tell me to calm down! If I could master it I wouldn’t have panic attacks to begin with, ass trashers. I am well aware it won’t kill me, it will pass, but in that moment, I may as well be doubled over with stomach cramps, so don’t kick me while I am already down. And for the love of pegacorn don’t say idiotic shit like, “But I read somewhere that you’re supposed to tell people to calm down when they’re freaking out.” I read somewhere it’s therapeutic to punch stupid people, does that make it fact? If you don’t know how to comfort or help, ASK what we need from you. Because chances are, we won’t ask you for anything except to let us ride it out and maybe a cold bottle of water.

I was shocked to see all the ‘non essential’ places closed except for the drive up pot shop and gun store, they were open. How that is essential during a pandemic is beyond me. Then I get to listen to bubbleheaded women griping that they can’t mani pedi and who will trim their hair and do their blowout? Oh boo fuckin; hoo, do it your damn self like us mere commoners, ya spoiled bitches.

Aldi was at least the 3rd circle of hell because despite the signs and tape marks on the floor, people were just everywhere, social distancing was a suggestion, not a possibility. Then the lines, so much space that I didn’t know where the line began, it was a clusterfuck. I was soo glad to get out of there and back to my safe corner of Armpit. This is the only place I feel safe anymore. It’s one thing to see all this stuff on TV day after day while you’re essentially stuck in the backwoods thinking, this place is so rural, the only caveat they’ve made is plexglass sneeze guard around the cashier at the minimart…But to go to town and see the signs everywhere, sanitizer, social distancing tape parks…It hits home and hits hard. Everyone else has been living it for weeks while we obey the shelter in place order and rarely go out so it…it was sobering and terrifying for me.

Took me hours to ‘come down’ from the anxiety ledge. I fed myself for a change, at least. I am struggling with that big time and it’s not that I’ve lost appetite or food doesn’t taste good, it’s just almost like this resignation that we’re all doomed, what does it fucking matter..Funny how I view it that way for myself but I bust my butt making sure Spook is cared for. Maybe instead of programming me to raise their kids, my mom and dad could’ve spent an hour or two telling me it’s okay to care about myself, too. Instead they just told me it was selfish.

The plan for today is…nothing. I’m still gonna be recovering from yesterday;s outing for days to come.

Now time to return to fort blankie, my hands are ice cold and I can’t type with numb fingers. Cripes, is it ever gonna get warm enough for me to feel warm again? Soooo sick of being cold, sick of my sinus problems. I want warm sunlight and the recession of the allergies and…Summer is gonna suck so bad. No camp for the kids, no playing together, no yard sales, no thrift stores. How else am I gonna get clothes that fit this child???? Her shirts already look like belly shirts, her pants barely cover her booty and ankles. And we’re fresh out of potato sack dresses.

Just gotta remind myself we have it way better than millions of people do right now. I cringe watching TV and all these pie in the sky promises from the government. By the time people get their paltry $1200 stimulus checks, they’re gonna be looking at a third month of rent and bills due, they are never gonna get caught up.

Then comes the prattling about wearing masks in public. Yes, where would you like me to buy those? Oh, and will you be giving me the money for a multi pack since you’re supposed to change them every time you go out? Oh, we can use a scarf? Wait, last night they made fun of the president for saying scarves were usable…

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Whatever marbles I had left rolling round in my head, they are definitely lost now.

To distract people, including myself, and bring some much needed levity, I posed a question in the blogger community about what we are all grateful for right now, aside from loved ones. Pop on over and get in on the feel good answering part.

And don’t forget about the chat room. I got to visit with 3 amazing bloggers last night and it really did help my mental space and made me feel less alone. Which in the day and age of social distancing is a really good thing, feeling connected to others without breaking the distancing rules or leaving the house.

I say whatever good we can find, we grab onto it like we’re floating in the ocean waiting for a rescue boat and just keep holding on. We are, after all, in this together.

Insomniac Lounge 2:45 a.m.

Posted in anxiety, depression with tags , , , , on April 3, 2020 by morgueticiaatoms

I don’t even remember the last time this week I wasn’t having a ‘bad mental health day’. Battling insomnia at night, then barely able to stay awake during the day, so exhausted and tapped out physically and emotionally. I feel like the crappiest parent ever if I nod off during the day beyond a ten minute power nap, even though Spook is semi self sufficient as long as a device is in her hands and she’s been fed. I remember the one time I took a nap because I had such bad cramps and she went and told everyone ‘mom naps all the time’. She denies doing it but I remember because it hurt and it was not fucking true. If it happens once, she labels it ‘all the time’ or ‘always’. I have always taken great pride in battling my way through not sleeping, being sick and still toughing it out and being here for my kid. The last few days have just kicked my ass, I find myself nodding off at the oddest times, often wishing I had toothpicks to keep eyes pinned open. This somnolence is not remotely my norm, certainly not during the day even with insomnia and little sleep. I think the current world condition has me so depressed, I don’t know which way is up.

Leaving the house has become damn near impossible and not just because of the lockdown. I see the tiny gas station here putting in their sneeze guard plexiglass around the register, there’s news in the paper about Wal-Mart having one entrance and limiting how many people can be inside. It’s like there is no escape no matter where I turn. I was gonna go to town today but I was so exhausted, I couldn’t make myself go even though it disappointed my stir crazy kid. But now it’s just sheer terror of getting corona or having it and not knowing it. Oh and now they are advising masks any time out in public but I can barely buy my kid an Easter basket, let alone afford masks which would need ordered cos the vultures and hoarders have picked the places in town clean. But I’ve put it off long as I can so today I am just gonna have to muster the strength and go, were running out of bread and milk and cheese. I think in light of how old and sickly my landlord and his wife are I will go with God and mail the rent in and hope he doesnt forget I paid it.

I had three beautiful days without my dad gnawing on my ankle like the rabid redneck chihuahua he is, then tonight he called and ended that tiny bit of pleasantness for me. On my ass already about getting my yard picked up and mowed. I am honestly pushed to the brink and ready to go scorchd earth. It’s MY yard, MY name on the lease, MY check paying the rent. I don’t give a fuck if it grows up to my ankles right now. It’s supposed to rain 5 days straight so hopefully that will get him to shut the fuck up. Of course, it means he won’t be working, so he’ll still be on my case. So I can just arrange for the cats to unplug the phone again. I don’t enjoy being dishonest but I also don’t enjoy being run down at every turn and since I’ve asked him to not come around if he has nothing good to say and he told my to fuck myself…Guess failed truth means arranged fibs.

I got a couple hours to sleep, though it took my last half melatonin and some buspar and benadryl to get to sleep. And I was awake less than ninety minutes later. Come daytime, I won’t be able to stay awake. I have no idea what is going on to flip flop my mental state so drastically. Maybe because the new reality is awful. Some people are all zen or defiant about it. I just…it’s one thing to live in your own dark mind filled with panic, but when it ceases to be a mental disorder and is simply the way the world is now…It’s terrifying. It’s impacting my desire to write, or read other blogs, let alone interact with others even rudimentarily. Now I basically channel surf between six news channels (thank you, Pluto tv). It’s not healthy, I suppose, but for someone who feels in control of nothing, being overly informed on stats makes me feel like I have some semblance of control.

Think it’s time to collect on the favor I did for R last week and get my Mangoritas and tune out for an evening this weekend. If he is buying, then I think I am drinking. Fuck being a good girl, if I were wound any tighter, I’d be an old fashioned alarm clock ready to going spoink. No, I don’t think spoink is an actual word but it is now.

Anyway, I wish this would have been a less somber post, but it’s a pretty somber world right now.

Maybe a couple of ritas will chill me out enough to not be so somber for a little while.

Back to channel surfing. For the record I do time to time change the channels or watch shows from flash drive. I’m not totally OCD over the news. Mainly because our internet spends as much time down as it does up which is just one more anger issue I did not need.

I guess the take away from this whole thing is, don’t ever think you can’t feel worse. Because the new reality makes depression seem like a pleasant mental state. There is not a drug on Earth that could make the current hellscape look less grim.

Let The Rant Commence

Posted in anxiety, depression with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 1, 2020 by morgueticiaatoms

Truth be told, I’ve been avoiding my blog for the most part. I am alternating between apathy and being uninspired and railing against all that pisses me off to the nth degree. No one wants either of those extremes so I went dark for a bit. And then today the damn broke and I upset a friend inadvertently and was chastisized, strongly, and it resulted in me bursting into tears I simply had no control over.

I didn’t mention this to my friend, of course, lest I be accused of trying to be manipulative with my incorrect hurt feelings but it was no drama or woe is me, I was genuinely upset that I upset my friend,when I thought at most I might get called a few swear names. I never in a million years saw that dressing down coming. I mean, seriously, if you don’t want to be bothered on your day off, SIGN OUT OF ALL YOUR APPS THEN NO ONE CAN DISTURB YOU!!!!!!! But that would be logical and inconvenient when you can just go off on me for being oblivious and playful when I’d not been specifically told NOT to interact during certain hours. Some people just never change, they cannot learn to communicate but don’t hesitate to get mad when you put a toe over the line. I was in the wrong, and I will own that, but the overly mean reaction was no more correct. One word would have brought it all to an end until mental tides shifted and even that is too much to ask for. I remember the tears pouring down my face-and outside my monthly hormonal issues, I NEVER cry, ever, my meds have rendered my tear ducts impotent, so…I was truly ashamed for upsetting my friend and ashamed of myself for being too selfish to know I would be upsetting them. I know, shit happens, but I will still be beating myself up for this for days to come and I will probably vanish on them lest I speak at the wrong time. Overreaction or just fear of being dressed down again? I dunno. And before anyone hands down advice, please don’t. My lack of social skills and emotional regulation are for me to figure out on my own.

It’s the final day to submit census papers or I could be fined. Oh, well, zero fucks are given. Let them send someone to my house amidst the pandemic. If they have the guts to do that, then I will sit down and answer their questions for them. Right now, I don’t have the energy to care.

I’ve had six hours of sleep in 4 days. Every time the melatonin starts to kick in and I start to drift off, I am jolted awake with terror of falling into black nothingness of sleep. Panic attacks, pounding heart, and racing thoughts. So there is no return to sleep until my mind and body finally give out and my cheek hits the pillow and unconsciousness hits within 2 minutes, not giving me time to stress out about the broken sleep, the terror of nodding off, all the shit going on in the world that robs me of hope for the future. I am soooooo fucking sick of people comparing their lack of sleep or difficult falling asleep. Most of them don’t have children to care for. Most of them have not been running on broken sleep and insomnia for 4 years. If anyone has empathy for sleep problems, it is me. BUT what it always boils down to, and yes, they often say it, is “I work, you don’t, not my fault you don’t sleep, I HAVE to.”

Just slap me in the face, punch me in the gut, or start berating me with foul euphamisms for being stupid and such. Just do not think that because one is disabled and does not work that it makes their lack of sleep any less important than your own. We all need rest to function our best, and I am basically a shambling zombie trying to raise my kid and plastering on the happy face which is fucking exhausting. I don’t want pity, I just want my issues to recognized as valid as anyone else’s. As I’ve always said, play fair or get out of my sandbox.

I did the budget and I have just enough money to pay all the bills (and yes, I owe my friend a debt of gratitude for the loan to keep the net on, I won’t forget to pay that back when I can) but unfortunately, it leaves me $28 for the whole month of April. Not enough for gas in the car, our meds, food, pet supplies, toilet paper, oh, and yes, Spook’s Easter gift. They are all over TV talking about Amazon and other essential stores hiring hundreds of thousands new people and yet…none of those jobs are anywhere near my area so I am facing another futile job search-during a state lockdown-competing with people with more experience, stable work histories, and current references. It’s so hard not to get discouraged.

Meanwhile people are complaining about the boredom and social isolation of working from home and I just want to tell them, shut up, let me do the job, I might succeed at that in my safe space. I like isolation, this is my normal. I get it isn’t for everyone else and they are entitled to feel stir crazy and intellectually starved for companionship but man, if I had a job I could do from home and support my kid and never have to be made to feel like a second class citizen for people too disabled for traditional employment…I’d be so there.

More social distancing yap on tv. Now they can’t decide if they want us all wearing masks in public or not, the experts seem divided so there is no clear answer. I’ve been watching videos submitted by the docs and nurses in NYC on how they don’t have the PPE or vents or manpower to handle the patient overload and it’s terrifying. These docs and nurses and others are puttng their lives at risk every day and the powers that be won’t even get them protective gear???I am so ashamed of this country, words defy me.

Oh and now some ass clown is talking about parents doing remote learning at home with their kids and increasing their work hours at home. Um, yeah, I’m not gonna do that. My kid fights me tooth and nail and gets violent on math so…I never signed up to be a fuckin teacher. Call me selfish but beyond writing arts, I am of no use to her as my brain does not retain boring information. Everything but reading and writing and music bored me so I remember nothing, I learned enough to pass the test and moved on. I may be needing to contact the teacher and see about getting the kid some help via video chat. We are on further lockdown til April 30th at least so I am gonna have to do something. It isn;t that I don’t want to help her. I literally cannot, core math makes as little sense to me as people who dress up as plush animals and get in a furpile and yiff and scritch.

I will be the first to admit my self esteem and mood are in the gutter right now. It could mean my mental issues are distorting my perception of things others may see differently. Again it’s something I gotta figure out for myself. I know how I feel. I will not invalidate my own feelings even if they come from a place where logic is MIA. I just need to acquire a thicker skin and learn skills to not respond in an overly emotional fashion.

Ashamed to admit I totally forgot about doing my mental health safe space post for community until 10 o clock last night. I am trapped in coronavirus world, and everything else slips away. But I got it done and it’s gotten good responses so it must have not sucked as much as I figured it would being slapped together so hastily in a bad frame of mind.

Another thing irking me is when I sign up for email comment to a thread and end up with like 30 messages but they are all between the same 2 people. WTF? Use email, use IM< use text, or use the bloody chat room, ffs! I didn't sign up for replies to read your conversation with someone elso so anything over 6 comments needs to be taken elsewhere.

Yes, I am on a bitchy roll.

I spend half my nights and morning choking on my sinus draining and my ear infection just gets worse but since I don't have an urgent situation, I can't even get in for an antibiotic. So while you all may imagine my life is easy street 'because you don't work;, I can assure you my life is anything but easy.

And I guess that will cover my binge and purge, for now.

If anyone was offended by this post…meh.

If you think what I say and write is offensive, you should hear all the stuff I don't say or write.

The Bitter Pill- Community Mental Health Safe Space post

Posted in depression, mental health with tags , , , , , on April 1, 2020 by morgueticiaatoms

https://bloggingexposure.wordpress.com/2020/04/01/the-bitter-pill-multiple-mental-health-diagnoses/