Imperfect Me-Poem

Posted in poetry with tags , , , on May 14, 2020 by morgueticiaatoms

Your perfectionism chokes me
provokes me
you can only be who you are
why not afford me the same
I am imperfect and flawed
messily beautiful
chaotic my forte as is perfection
is yours
The more you push me to be
more like you
the more I don’t want to be
anything like you, I only
want you to let me be
and let me be me
The messiness you shun is
the tempest within me that
keeps the fire in me alive
who you are is smothering
the flame of who I am
Yet what do I do to quash
who you truly are
Nothing
You want perfection
you’ve knocked on the wrong door
and for these reasons it’s likely
my chaos and I will
vanish into our messy ether
your kingdom of order and control
and perfectionism
all yours to savor
while I go my own way and
shake off the joylessness
I felt being under your thumb of
control and perfection
I want to be free
I want to be chaotic and messy and
mostly
I just want to be imperfect me.

Why me?

Posted in Uncategorized on June 25, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Just woke at 2:33 am,in full fledged panic. This thing with nephew’s wife really has me upset.I don’t trust her. All I keep thinking is,omg,that spiteful witch will hear how awful the house is when we move out and turn me in as unfit…pretty obvious her opinion is the only thing she cares about. And if she had the nerve to call my sis dirty just over a teenage spat years ago…I am petrified. My heart is about to jump out of my chest. I just cannot believe she started this shit. Bad juju does not lie. My gut told me she is off.

I really did not need this fucking bullshit right now. And thing is,I feel like I did something wrong. Wasn’t her business. Self entitled judgey brat. Now I don’t even want to go to mom’s anymore since she could pop by any time. Forget the movie with mom today. I feel like I could throw up rn. I don’t want to ‘give her that power’ but…fucking anxiety doesn’t care. Ben and I didn’t deserve this.

More Fucking Family Drama!!!

Posted in Uncategorized on June 24, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

M,my nephew’s wife,took to Facebook after seeing my kid walking around with my sister’s 21 year old roommate about how inapropriate it is to “let” a 21 year old babysit a 12 year old. He saw it and told Ben who told me. (I unfollowed her in FB due to bad juju). I commented that I felt the same way at first about the age difference but my kid trusts so few people,I let him choose his friends.

His mom piped in to defend her kid and M gave a laugh react.

To me,M replied that it is bad parenting because…a list of all my kid’s shortcomings…then a litany of “you should focus on thanking your dad for everything he has done for you.”

I was going to reply “your opinion is duly noted”…then came another message…coward that I am,I deleted without reading then blocked her. Because it is crystal clear anything short of agreeing with her will not do. I have tried shaking off the bad juju I had of het ftom 8 years ago when she broke up with my nephew then went around calling the family trash. She didn’t agree with how many cats my sis had so went around saying my sis is a bad housekeeoer. LIES!! Now her and nephew are happily married with a 2 year old and dad and crew love them.

So once again my sis is in the middle and I never want that for anyone. That is her son,dil,and grandbaby. I would NEVER expect her to choose. I talked to my dad on the phone 45 minutes tonight and he wasn’t voicing grievances so where does this woman get off? She didn’t text me privately to express concern about my child. She just posted to FB that a mom should not let/ask a 21 year old man to babysit a 12 year old girl. Then got 35 replies agreeing,saying the mom needs investigated. Wtf? They were in public,behaving like siblings. I knew,the grandma knew,the aunt knew… There was nothing nefarious happening.

By all means have an opinion. But keep your judgment and drama. Why can’t I catch one single fucking break? Still…no way I eas not gonna defend my child. Bullies PISS me off.

Anxiety Won Today

Posted in Uncategorized on June 24, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Did not make the movie with my mom. She had a creepy home visit from Medicare Aetna (NOT peeing in a cup in my own home,wtf) and despite being told we had plans…she took 2 freaking hours. Only thing she didn’t ask was to do a pelvic exam,ffs. I have same insurance and keep putting off their demand for home visit. Mom says I am weird,that home visit is normal but sis and I maintain it is weird. When you see multiple docs a month like my mom,it is super intrusive. The law gives these insurance companies far too muxh power to violate basic human privacy.

So we missed the early show. Said we will do 7pm. But the more I thought about how little time I have with all 3 cats and that it would be 11pm when we got home (driving in the dark not my strong suit) AFTER leaving home at 11am…I just couldn’t. Anxiety won today. I feel bad but also,I have put 200 miles on the car in less than a week so I have been facing mmy anxiety and panic every single day. I have every reason to be proud and yes,take a break. We made plans to do the 12:30 pm show tomorrow. Disappointing but not fatal. Mom even offered to buy popcprn as well as pay for the movien loojing forward to theater ppcorn a little too much.

13 hours stuff has set out…and still only 2 banged up pans were taken. The Rubbermaid stuff is in good shape,so I don’t get it. Rural people are outside my understanding.

Wasn’t too hot today but it ran at 99% humidity so was miserable for me Sitting with a car AC on full blast,sweat still pouring off my face…awful. And between belly bloat,the numbness making me unbalanced on my feet,and my ankle swelling like a goose egg…this day has exhausted me in every way.

Once we get settled…that half bottle of Trazadone 50mg I found undet the table…is going to be utilized. I need sleep,ffs. It usually works a day or 2 if I double up. Right now not the right time but soon…I know you aren’t supposed to take old prescriptions but…desperate people do desperate things. I am just so very tired.

Perception Askew

Posted in Uncategorized on June 24, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

We had to make an early trip to a town 30 miles away. My mom paid for an appt at the vet they use so my cat got her shots. Found out they only charge $104 for spaying so kind of worth the drive,see why sis goes there. Godsmack freaked out pawing the metal door and screeching so that was nerve racking.

I haven’t been to that town in 7 years. I was not adding 13 extra.miles coming from Armpit so the drice seemed endless. I even started thinking I got confused and was going the wrong way. I really hope once we settle and the stress dies down my perception improves. Not a fan of constant confusion and self doubt.

So Godsmack has shots and I gave a plan to save for her spay. Bad thing,we stopped at a yard sale only because Ben needs twin sheets .nand they were elevated but the ground was sunk in bad and I twisted an ankle and went down. It hurt more than any twisted ankle ever has,was really scares. But I kept walking on it. It is sore but I am still going. I gotta be mobile,ffs.

I started setting stuff outside early this a.m. Put up huge pink FREE signs around town. Posted on 6 local buy sell FB groups. In 5 hours..someone took 2 pans. How odd,with plastic storage and flat panel pc monitors. It is rural area though. On the way to put up signs at 6am,rsn into my dad and got hijacked. He asked if we got the place then said ge was fetting more junk from the shed…before prattling on about being back to work and long dusty days…I have empathy but EVERY conversation includes mention of it. Least he didn’t yell.

Ben is being decent today. He is supposed to go hang out with C,the roommate of my sis. Mom asked me to drive her to the new Elvis movie,her treat. Not been to a movie in 13 years. I said yes because every fiber of my depression altered brain screamed no. So that is around 5pm. Not sure how I will do with a 2 hour 40 min movie in a theater but I am going to try. I may have a good time. If I can allow it,got dad in my head yelling it is work time,not goof off fun time. My thinking is,I have been busting my butt,maybe unwinding will energize me to keep going. Nothing else to do but wait for the hauler dude to call,might as well have mom time.

Uber Fuck Up

Posted in Uncategorized on June 24, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

I took my kid’s Focalin and Prozac. I don’t remember doing it. I set his meds out every day. But I am so programmed to take meds,I guess I jusymt went on.autopilot. Been on both meds before so not worried about harm. But now I will pop positive for stimulant I don’t gave a script for. That worries me. I don’t remember doing it but it is the only explanation of them bot in their spot. What stupid thing will I accidrntally do next? But yeah,god

Damp

Posted in Uncategorized on June 24, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Exhausted as I was it was almost 11 before I nodded off. Ben woke my midnight but I don’t even remember what he said. Then at 3:05 I woke up. And worked on one tiny section of my room,top and under the vanity. Omg,how did I get so much junk? It is mind boggling. an entire trash bag of…junk.

That was 45 minutes in damp humidity so I feel gross. Only 4:25 am. I don’t feel like I am even making a dent. God,I desperately jyst need a huge dumpster. I cannot afford $175 a pick up (3 loads at least) for haul away.Nothing is worth selling even at yard sale prices. Dad acts like I want to leave the mess. I am ashamed of it. I just don’t know what to do.

The minimart mgr won’t be back til next weekend and his underlings won’t allow me to use debit card due to corporate rules. Same in town. My sister’s friend refered me to some local guys who might help for $75 a trip plus fuel. Yikes, the fuel alone is scary. So now I wait because they have stuff thst came before me,they will let me know I even talked to someone about renting a pick up for a day. Cash without a credit card does not work. So bloody frustrating. Debit has a Visa logo,ffs. But your hold limit is not high enough for incidentals,yada yada.

This numbness chest to thigh is on my last nerve. 75% loss of sensation,no explanation,and no one gives a damn. I don’t feel right. Auto pilot is not going to last forever.

Here we go again. Another day fighting a losing battle. Trying to have hope but…my cats still have no home. My sister won’t even let me keep them outside at her house. I cslled a “feline ranch” 75 mmiles awsy and was made to feel like the worst person ever. Do you want to give them up? NO. But I cannot keep them and I want them to be safe. Contact stopped after I said they hadn’t been spayed yet. Cos yeah,it was totally let’s be irresponsible as opposed to lack of money.

I asked my sister and her friend if they would help me with clean up after…and was told they don’t gave time. And stupider,the friend’s bf has a pick up. He could easily have helped us move in half a day and sat there,not even required to move stuff,just haul. But he works and gets high so that matters more. I really truly have no one. And I feel whiny saying that but…I thought your people stepped up when you wereup against it. I was wrong.

Wrenches

Posted in Uncategorized on June 23, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

More money related wrenches thrown into the works. Too many fires to put out,not enough fire extinguishers. I’ve been up since 2am and I am just too tired to think right now. Not whining. Just waving the white flag until after I get some rest.

I am beyond ready to join a fucking self sufficient commune to escape this 24-7 ratrace of never being enough money. Like it or not,money really does label you as good or bad. Obviously,only bad people don’t pay their bills.

My brain hurts. I need to not think for a few hours. I am cranky and viewing everything in a negative light. Hopefully rest will change that.

Argh FML

Posted in Uncategorized on June 23, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Signed papers. It is not big so we cannot take much. Huge problem. Very sparse. No carpet,all waxed hard floor. That is gonna be so hard for me to keep clean.

Ben is being a beast today. Except be isn’t so sick until I ask for help or mention the time crunch and the mess to be cleaned up. Then his stomach hurts,he is having dizzy blackouts,and he is being loud,nasty,and tantrumy. Like he really thinks I am in the wrong for asking him to do things or reminding of the mess. How do you comvat that level of true believerm. I honestly thought he was giing to rally and help me out. I was an idiot. His loud mouth and temper are going to get us evicted. And since he does not want to move,he does not care. This kid makes my life soo much harder and it is sheer nastiness,he isn’t rewarded for it. That counselor has not taught him a single coping mechanism. Not that Ben is willing to learn.

I just feel utterly screwed. If I cannot get this place cleaned up,I may be sued. Lose the new place. And I cannot even tackle the living room because Ben has tossed his tub of clothes all over after 10 times being told not to. And if I speak up,he screams.

Queasy Peasy

Posted in Uncategorized on June 23, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

6:49 am. Been up going on 5 hours. I managed a bath,clean clothes,a load of laundry,put a couple bags of clothes in the car trunk. Every little effort will matter.

I am battling nausea,reflux,and anxiety. Just gripped with fear something will happen to make this new place fall through. For all I know,the housing lady could just get a bad vibe from us and rescind the offer. I know,I know,professionals don’t behave that way. Yet I was an assistant retail manager and appkications were tossed becausre another mgr or employee didn’t like the person. I was there when a counselor broke HIPAA confidentiality. I was there when a former landlord trashed tenants as white trash but their money is good,hahahaha. I have this mentality because I have witnessed professionals being anything but.

Trying not to be anxious is counterproductive. Better to own it,carry on,and hope I am being silly.

Weak And Scared

Posted in Uncategorized on June 23, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

2am wake ups are kicking my ass. 3:41am now. Humid AF. Heart still thundering. Stomach upset. Mind racing. No one should feel this terrified unless being chased by a guy with a chainsaw. But this has been my life for 6 months now.

I am feeling so guilty and ashamed about the cats needing rehomed. Yet having no home for them. Wtf was I thinking,I had 5 months to get this stuff in order. Much relied on money but this…I didn’t want to.let them go til I absolutely had to. Now…they are up a creek. I have been so irresponsible as a pet owner. I can barely look at cat pics on Facebook. The guilt of failing my girls is…crushing. I hate myself far more for letting them down that any “shame” I may cause my dad. I am emotionally bonded to them. Never have bonded with him but he thinks emotions are weak so how could I.

Idk if I can come back from this. Cats are my heart. I think naively I was hoping my roommate feelers would come through and we wouldn’t need housing and the family would stay together. Honestly,if I had my way,it would be like that. Everything revolves around money. I have too little so my pure heart does not matter. I must be an abandoning monster because of a 1 cat rule to appease my finances. I am disgusted with the system and with myself. I am so weak. If I truly loved my cats I would get a job or two or three so I could keep them,right? I hate being mentally ill. How weak it makes me.

My heart is being ripped out and I feel awful. But there I go making it about me,it is the girls who are having their family taken away. Omg,I had no idea it could hurt this nuch. But because I keep movinh forward people think I fon’y care or feel terrible? The tears pouring down my face right now say otherwise.