Imperfect Me-Poem

Posted in poetry with tags , , , on May 14, 2020 by morgueticiaatoms

Your perfectionism chokes me
provokes me
you can only be who you are
why not afford me the same
I am imperfect and flawed
messily beautiful
chaotic my forte as is perfection
is yours
The more you push me to be
more like you
the more I don’t want to be
anything like you, I only
want you to let me be
and let me be me
The messiness you shun is
the tempest within me that
keeps the fire in me alive
who you are is smothering
the flame of who I am
Yet what do I do to quash
who you truly are
Nothing
You want perfection
you’ve knocked on the wrong door
and for these reasons it’s likely
my chaos and I will
vanish into our messy ether
your kingdom of order and control
and perfectionism
all yours to savor
while I go my own way and
shake off the joylessness
I felt being under your thumb of
control and perfection
I want to be free
I want to be chaotic and messy and
mostly
I just want to be imperfect me.

Kill Me,Make Me Stronger,DO SOMETHING!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on November 30, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Still struggling something fierce. How do you reconcile with disappointment being your first emotion upon waking each day? I have many reasons to be optimistic and less anxious. Yet I am a trainwreck. What the hell? Depressed for no reason is a hard pill to swallow. Cold and darkness aren’t exactly legit reasons to want to cease to exist. Yet here I am. Feeling punished by “having” to live. Every time I read about some celebrity passsing, all I can think is,dammit,why couldn’t it be my loser ass,they were actually living. I just exist. So sick of feeling this way.

I am trying tho. Physical issues making it even harder. Trying to power through for my kid’s Christmas. My soul is on life support. I really should be dead,not people who enjoy life. I guess I can whine to my counselor today and let her try to convince me I have value despite it all. Lather,rinse,repeat.

Chair

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on November 19, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

I am having a BAD mental health day. High rampant anxiety and paranoia have me glued to my safe space,my chair. It has been this way for as long as I can remember,me having a safe space be it living room recliner or sofa or bed. Leaving it worsens the bad juju and Bad Tboughts. Thete was NO trigger. It just appeared. Here I m,now question your sanity and reality. Yes,I am even wavering on what is real. It could all be a vivid dream paralysis. Idk. It is disturbing.

So I am sticking to my safe space as much as I can. The anxiety just keeps worsening. The feelings of doom and despair hammer at my mind. No trigger. You can move. You can improve your situation. But you cannot escape mental illness. Or my mystery physical illness. I feel doomed and every fiber of my being wants to give up. Fighting it has drained me. Pretending to be normal is exhausting. So…chair it is. And hopefully tomorrow the mental lamdscape will improve. Today is a wash. Pure survival mode as mymind starts a list of ways to end it all. Don’t panic,there is no intent to harm myself. The thoughts are there and voicing them sort of helps. Now I have gone on record,sort of,with how bad my mental health currently is. It passes,returns,passes,returns. Lather,rinse,repeat. Lather,rinse,repeat. Great time to be under disability review,my livelihood in the hands of paper pushets who have no idea how bad mental illness is. Is it any wonder I have do much trouble staying ssleep and my stomach hurts? Survival mode indeed.

Nervous Nellie

Posted in Uncategorized on November 4, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

My kid has been home 3 days with a stomach ache. He has a dr appt at 2 todau. Just in time because I got a letter from the school today about missing so much school and a dr note is required here on out. I have had this kid at the dr 4 times as of today and nothing changes,nothing shows up on tests. I hope she orders X rays of Ben’s belly. I have neen trying not to spaz out but my mind is always on what if he is bleeding internally or his appendix burst…we tried the ER but left after 2 hours of the kid rolling on tje floor whimpering in.pain. They didn’t even offer a blanket or let us use the family room. There were 2 very rude women blaring their phones,talking on speaker,playing music…we basically fled. My anxiety was enveloping so coming home was a relief.

So there is my rant. Back to nervous Nellie mode,not by choice.

Anxiety Lockdown

Posted in Uncategorized on November 1, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Woke to unauthorized debit card activity after being up and down all night. Braved the phone to correct that then thought,we need groceries,you are in clean clothes,just go get it done. Nope. I got as far as moving my car to a different.parking space then flew back inside in a heart pounding crushed by panic attack. Lockdown. Glued to my safe space chair,tv mindlessly playing. 3 days of people-ing did me in. I am a basketcase despite Xanax. Been awhile since it got this bad that I couldn’t bully myself out of it. Maybe time will help. A nap brain reboot would be nice. Unlikely with my current paranoia and racing heart.

People just don’t know how bad it is. I can barely even write these days in this blog or my self care app. This is not quality of life.

For Us Mental Health Warriors-PLS SHARE

Posted in Uncategorized on October 29, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

In A Bad Way

Posted in Uncategorized on October 28, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Yesterday was trash. I was trash. Ben had his morning bawl in the chair slumped over, “I just can’t do it,I can’t go to school.” Over and over I used the assertive voice. I took the phone,took away a trick or treat night…and still he persisted in moaning incessantly,”I can’t!” He refused to change clothes. Bus time neared. His fit continued. I gave up and called him in.

Then seethed the whole day about his manipulation. About how powerless I am because I cannot physically force a 5’6,138 pound human into clean clothes and onto a bus.l yet I am expected to “make” him go to school. I keep trying to impress upon him the truancy laws could land me in jail,I do not force him to to go to school cos these battles are fun. Like talking to a wall. The only empathy he feels is for himself. Maybe typical for 13 but it has been a Ben trait since 4,5 years old. And that terrifies me. No empathy does not make for a decent human being. We ended up in a fight where I expressed my anger,albeit calmly. He screamed and made me out to be a lousy parent. Which sent me into a quiet,depressive state. And like a lousy parrnt,I kept nodding off all evening. 4:45 am wake ups and 3 hrs sleep explain it but the kid does not care.

Ended up sleeping off and on then woke ay 11:30. Ben was in bed asleep. So began almost 4 hours of shivering cold and blankly watching TV,trying to get Olivia Pope’s problems to drown out my Bad Thougjts. Oh they came at me hard,along with dread about Monday’s school firing squad where they gang up to tell me my kid is a suicidal mess who doesn’t put forth effort. Yet during her days at alt school,he did the work. Without a packedbus of bullies,without classrooms and halls full of bullies…he focused better and only had 2 meltdowns. (Alt prcpl literally sent me a 3 page report of Ben’s days there,broken down in 15 min increments.)

But yeah,situational stress but this depressive bad thought stuff is seasonal affective. I forced myself to Walmart today to get a covered cat box. It was like walking uphill in molasses and the only lidded boxes they had were $34. Fuck that. Easier to order online. They didn’t have the thermal shirts I wanted. Got stuck in a line for 20 minutes but all the self check out were full too. I wanted to scream but forced myself to smile in hopes I might start to feel it. No doubt I looked like the Joker on meth. Then a trio home,feeling the car might fall apart. After yesterday when my distraction nearly caused a wreck…going out is misery and fear. I came home and did dishes,swept for the 100th time. Tried hooming up

Thing is,the journal they read was from last year. He gets assessed for this every week by a licensed counselor. He sees a psych nurse every 6 weeks. I am inclined to favor their CURRENT assessments over past rantings made in a notebook they had no right to read. They actually made copies of his journal to pass around. They oushily encouraged me to read a copy. Well,my cslr as we as Ben’s were shocked the school read the journal without cause,so it is not me having some rebellious attitude. They crossed a line and now all the trust built is destroyed. They made a bad situation worse. Ben does not want me reading it because too many people already have. And I am inclined to respect that wish simply because the school did betray him. I won’t. Now if time comes Ben wants to read it and talk,I will be here. I know I am supposed to be thankful they care so much but bottom line…I find it intrusive and unhelpful. They ruined the trust I built w Ben over a year. They did not need to “help” in that manner.

I am in a bad way,mentally. Supposed to go to a wedding tomorrow but after nearly causing a wreck yday w my distraction…going out feels unsafe. I don’t know if I can do it. And so there is where Ben gets it. Difference is,99% of the time I do it anyway. I TRY. Even when my thoughts ar

FILTHY EFFING PHONES!

Posted in Uncategorized on October 26, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

My day started at 4:45 am. Come 9 am phone counseling,my dumbass gripped the phone so tight I restarted the phone accidentally TWICE. She called back and in the midst of this,my kid started texting,asking me to fake a family emergen y and get him out of school. To me the solution was he needed a change if pants pet his chief complaint. I went into his room to find some…and found didhes,trSh,piles of clothes,inc his brand new stuff. And I felt so betrayed because I trusted him to at least obey the no trash or food rule. All this time sneaking stuff and exploding if I even tried to peek in…so I ended counseling early and told him no go,change into gym class sweatpants cos I saw the mess…and he dropped the drama fast.

Then dad called,nagging me to call J about my car oil change. So I bravedmaking that call,had to leave a msg,but no word. After this,the school prcpl called to prattle about my kid’s issues and the meeting is rescheduled Monday and 7,8 people will be there to discuss the 504 (special ed) plan. This after a 10 min.call from the vice prcpl yesterday. Follwing this,a call from youth authority,forced on us by the school. Lastly,a call from emergency psych the school made to check in on Ben. Wtf?

I am.phoned and school drama’d the fuck out. I cannot even manage 1 fucking hour a week to myself to tend to my mental health. I live on red alart waiting for the next calamity call. So despite doingvery little housework ( but several petri dish errands) I am bloody exhausted. Not yet 8pm but all I want is sleep. And to put my phone on do not disturb so people will.let me fucking breathe. Email would be better. I email like a mofo. Calls…EWW.

Plus side,after 20 mins waiting in line at the dealership I have a door and trunk key now. At least one task went as planned and got done between the damn phone stalking. I miss the single digits. Momming a 13 year old is sucking the life out of me. This is WORK. Mental work. Now…I pray for sleep. Even an hour would reboot my brain.

Phones,used for calls,are the devil’s doing. I hate calls. HATE.

Dysregulation

Posted in Uncategorized on October 26, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

I was up and down all night. At 4:45am I just gave up. Went out for a smoke,which in cold damp weather means 3 puffs and back inside. Since I have been shivering and it is 39 out so my temperature dysregulation is in play. I can stand out in negative temps sometimes to scrape windshields and be fine. Other times the cold just hits and I am violently shivering and unable to focus on anything but being cold even when temps are above freezing. Always hated cold but in the last couple of years the dysregulation has been extreme.

So shivering cold,still exhausted,and excrutiating belly bloat…do not make me jazzed for the day ahead. And ugh,my counseling,then Ben has his after school. I wish I could call in dead. Gallows humor bit still,it just feels so draining and pointless. I would rather nap that hour. It isn’t personal to Kara or lack of desire to get better. But I have had weekly therapy minus 3 for 6 months. I am a bit sick.of talking about stuff on the phone. Stupid insurance forcing 80 mile away option when there is a local center 2 miles away with in person therapy. How utterly idiotic.

But per my self care app affirmation,I will make the best of the day come what may. Or just survive. Six of one,half dozen of the other. Not everything should have to go through a sunshine spewing filter. Normalize calling a sucky mental state what it is and how it colors the day. As long as I show up and zombie shuffle through,optimism is irrelevant.

Good,Bad,Fugly

Posted in Uncategorized on October 25, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

The good…it is crawwwling closer to sleepy time and escaping my own mind. The cool gloomy perpetual rain did nothing to elevate my mood.Then came the untriggered paranoia and anxiety. Now the fugly. Neighbors are hollering again,which is not helping my hopeless stressed state. Tomorrow I have phone therapy,which is GRUELING because I have 50 minutes to fill with conversation when frankly,I am bored and mentally clocked out by 20 mins. Then I need to gp to the Chevy dealership to get door keys for my 2001 and hope the electrical system gives them some code. Ffs,gas gauge doesn’t even work. I need to schedule an oil change 30 miles 1 way) at some point. Friday I have yet another pile on meeting at school about my heathen. And still need to get us both into eye dr and dentist…I can barely breathe.

I haven’t been doing smashingly but this state came from out of nowhere. The only real good is the Bad Thoughts have not returned since Saturday. Just an overall sense of hopeless and self loathing for my mental issues. My kid made it 2 days at school w no calamities. I still have no will to bathe or really do anything. For once,I could afford an outing for Halloween…but I have zero desire. My costume is red devil ears. Maybe goth devil if I have energy for eyeliner. Ben wants me to take him for his final trick or treat so doesn’t really matter if I dress up,just a chauffeur. He had option of going w friends but suddenly mama’s boy. I want to treasure the time but fucking depression fucks it all up.

So yeah,disability review. I am totally cured and in my right mind. I did not even decorate for Halloween,omg,that is like soul death for me. Not to be a whiner. Just needed to vent. And those hellish neighbors are on my last bloody nerve🤬🤬🤬🤬

Hell Week Recap

Posted in Uncategorized on October 23, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

He made it thru Friday but because he missed most of Thurs he has to serve Minday too

My psych appt went well even if I was kept in hellish waiting limbo 20 minutes. She seemed to hear me,said she can see how hard I am trying and that I never give up. Increased Abilify,got to keep Xanax. And I needed it.

Not an hour after that appt,the school called to say my kid attacked another student and got suspended 5 days. We go to kiddie court next month. Then they have this alternative school for keeping up w homework during suspension and 2nd day in my kid was sent home to shower and change clothes.(I KNEW he wore that the day before but he totally gad lit me.) Then the kid went ballistic about them keeping his notebook where they read his suicidal thoughts (still not sure what gave that alt principal cause to invade privacy like that). He was bawling,cusding me,threatening to throw a lamp at me. 2 hours of that andme waiting for a cop to show up about the noise. He eventually calmed doen but it was awgul and scary.

He survived Friday but was fussing about how boring it is being alone in a room alone “locked in” and the other kids were treated better and everyone is out to get him. I will say I did not care for alt prinpl’s condescension. And I got the added bonus of being viewed as inattentive for letting him go there ungroomed. Amazing how they gripe about tje same clothes but don’t offer any solutions on how to get money for more.so he has to go a 6th day.

Friday evening we discovered all 4 car door locked and I have no key. R tried to help but no dice. So stuck at home til spare keys come in then will need rides out there to get them but have no one. Taxis will cost as much as 5 gallons of gas . Dealership is 3.5 miles away and in current physical state I cannot do it.

Saturday we were supposed to go to sis’s for movie night. I explained I had to cancel due to no car. Well,Ben had a cussing spaz out,accusing me of not wanting to go when I really did until his tantrum,then my stomach started churn. They had nephew come get him and they were carving pumpkins,which I really wanted to do. They didn’t offer me a ride. Then I got to thinking that I rewarded the kid for atrocious behavior but if I had had to endure his behavior longer,I feared ky mind would break into shards.

So off he went and The Bad Thoughts startrd. Better off dead. No way to atone. Spineless parent. So wretched not even my family goes out of their wsy to spdnd time with me. Die die die. Like a soundtrack in a loop. The sudden mood shift and bad thoughts had me in dangerous territory. So meladryl and sleep to get through it. Only the neighbors were screamjng til after midnigjt so I had no calm.or peace. I was up at various times and 3 am they were quiey so there is that. Woke at 7:45. Up,dressed,and exhausted by that much. Feeling sslty af cos last weekend we had no cash,no gas,and no internet or functioning phone data so trapped at home. This weekend no car so plans canceled. The universe does not like me.

And that is my week.

I am