Imperfect Me-Poem

Posted in poetry with tags , , , on May 14, 2020 by morgueticiaatoms

Your perfectionism chokes me
provokes me
you can only be who you are
why not afford me the same
I am imperfect and flawed
messily beautiful
chaotic my forte as is perfection
is yours
The more you push me to be
more like you
the more I don’t want to be
anything like you, I only
want you to let me be
and let me be me
The messiness you shun is
the tempest within me that
keeps the fire in me alive
who you are is smothering
the flame of who I am
Yet what do I do to quash
who you truly are
Nothing
You want perfection
you’ve knocked on the wrong door
and for these reasons it’s likely
my chaos and I will
vanish into our messy ether
your kingdom of order and control
and perfectionism
all yours to savor
while I go my own way and
shake off the joylessness
I felt being under your thumb of
control and perfection
I want to be free
I want to be chaotic and messy and
mostly
I just want to be imperfect me.

My Derailment

Posted in Uncategorized on September 19, 2021 by morgueticiaatoms

Still battling my spawn. Was informed my nephew took a blade from her at their house when she stayed. Then was told she turned on him out of nowhere and sent angry texts to him. For trying to help her,she just didn’t like hearing the truth.

She is back to manipulating me over that damn phone. I took it away after the 2 day suspension. Then felt bad and let her have it a few hours. The moment I said tine up and asked her to do a chore…she screamed that all her problems are my fault and she wants to get away from me. I understand her brain is messed up but still,she has to want help and be willing to help herself. Idk how much more I can take. Maybe a hospital is needed. Just seems pointless when her attitude is so defiant. Why lose school time and lose what little trust she has in me if her mind is set on not cooperating or making an effort? I suppose that sounds awful. I am so lost.

Had a productive day. 6 baskets of clothes put away. Dishes done. Trash out. Cat boxes clean. Even managed a bath. Talking to P just really helps. Gets me out of my own head.

But then…my fucked up brain starts in. All the worst case scenarios. You are being played. He is rarely around at night,you are just the daytime killing time chick. You are making a fool out of yourself,giving more than you get,as usual. You are a joke,why would someone so young even want to your friend? Him and his buddies are probably laughing at you. And what about how he takes certain things as negatives and you scramble trying to walk it back and explain yourself…one more person manipulating you because you are an idiot.

I don’t think anyone knows how awful it is to fight your mind against mental illness,then battle it over your emotional damage.

To my credit I have not burned any bridges but I definitely have matches in hand and a need to act out in self protection before I get fucked over again. Fighting it is exhausting. Every instinct screams, burn it all to the fucking ground,you don’t need this added anxiety and the what if thoughts.

I keep taking deep breaths and asking myself,do you have any evidence he is obfuscating the truth? Has he done or said anything at all to deserve your doubt? How is your damage his fault? Aren’t you being a bitchy little brat just ready to run off rather than risk your fragile little psyche?

Maybe not being kind to myself but it gives me perspective. Slows my thoughts. Makes me put down the matches and keep faith in my happy place. No risk,no reward,right?

Just seems like I am hellbent on my own derailment. Fear is a powerful motivator. No one wants to get hurt. Or humiliated.

So…breathe. Put down the matches. Keep the faith. And just let it unfold however it will. Control over it is an illusion. This is a blind faith situation.

And to be willing to go there,despite my fear,my paranoia,my anxiety…

That level of blind faith kind of says it all about the emotion involved with this person.

God fucking help me if my gut is wrong.

Again?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 13, 2021 by morgueticiaatoms

3 wondermously calm days without trips into the dish,spawn drama,and hour after hour chatting with P. Was a good 3 days. I don’t think I even noticed any anxiety or depressive thoughts. They were there,I am sure. I was just in a better mental space. P is so good for me in so many ways.

Today for no apparent reason,I feel nervous. Despite talking to P. May have something to do with poor sleep. Been up since 3 a.m. Brain just will not shut up. May be because my dad wants help with his trucking and this allergy laden bitch does not scoop out corn bins. I don’t think I am too good to do it. I am not lazy. I am just very slow and once the allergies kick i I am useless. You want paperwork,computer,dog walking😙 work,babysitting,I can do that. And I would rather scoop out my eyeballs with a melon baller than spend 10 hours straight with my dad. Idk why it is so hard to stand up to hin. I did at 14,15,16. Sometimes I think all the therapy ruined my backbone. There IS such thing as too much self awareness.

So…I sit in my bedroom crypt,wishing I had a Xanax the size of a hubcap,paranoia rampaging. I am already nervous about Wednesday when I will meet with the school people. Shaky about what drama Spook will bring on me. And I feel bad for thinking it. My kid is not giving me a hard time,she/he is having a hard time. Gotta be strong for her. Another thing P helps me do just by accepting me. He said I am perfect just the way I am. No one has ever said that to me. He is my happy place even if it all turns out to be a beautiful lie. Take chances or rot in a rut.

Far from being out of said rut but I see a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel.

Reality Bites

Posted in Uncategorized on September 9, 2021 by morgueticiaatoms

Anxiety is through the roof. Stomach churning. Mood low. Still talking with my happy place but stupid reality keeps intruding.

Lying drama child . Phone harassing dad. Sick mom fading away. Nosey neighbors deeming me an unfit mom. School up in my business.

Feel like I am losing my mind.

Waking Nightmare

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 8, 2021 by morgueticiaatoms

I have one good thing in my life atm. And by good,I mean it does not stress me or make me feel like a loser. All positivity and sweetness. I call P my “happy place”. 14-17 hours a day chatting and I live for sleep to be over and go to my happy place again. Are we overdoing it? Likely. But how often do you find someone you connect with so deeply? Someone who nurtures your mind an feeds your soul? To the point that you find yourself smiling at the merest interaction?

It is still shiny and new and I need this desperately. After 10 years alone and disconnected…I need a positive in my very messy life. Selfish,maybe but ten years with my world centered around my kid? I am due,as long as the mandatory stuff is getting done.

I could go into detail but amazingly,I don’t feel like ranting. My happy place lets ne vent and never gets pissy about it.

My soul is showing signs of life again even as everything else goes to shit.

Not that barely eating due to no appetite and stress stomach aches on top of 2-4 hours sleep every day has made the depression and anxiety go away. I still have very dark moments.

But I see light at the end of.the tunnel and for once,I don’t think it is an oncoming train.

Busy?

Posted in Uncategorized on September 6, 2021 by morgueticiaatoms

I’m Trying

Posted in Uncategorized on September 3, 2021 by morgueticiaatoms

Happy Kid,Less Unhappy Mom

Posted in Uncategorized on September 1, 2021 by morgueticiaatoms

After several hellish days of my kid’s drama and hostility…she came home today in a wondermous mood. We went to town and she was polite and helped carry things. I even got a semi hug,after months of being snarled at to not touch her. It felt amazing after all the dark stuff with her bad thoughts. Even the guidance counselor is having issues with her fickleness. She emailed asking to talk to him,then ran away when he tried. Baffling.

I have had 3.5 hours of sleep in 48 hours. Hopefully tonight with my meladryl cocktail I will get some rest.

Weird thing is,talking to P on IG is just so awesome,I don’t really dread being awake like I was for months. It takes a wicked mental connection to talk 12 plus hours a day. When we went out,I was cursing idiot drivers left and right. And then he texted and it felt like I wasn’t alone battling the idiots. He alters my mental state in a really good way.

The imbalance and scars are still there,though. And I am fighting with everything I have to break the cycle of burning bridges impulsively over every perceived ‘wrong’. It is hard. I tear up. I type something then erase it and wait a few minutes. Then my impulsive snarky comment is replaced by logic and kindness. Yet I still stand up for myself unapologetically. It feels good,mostly.

I did burn one bridge to the ground but it was just time to move on. I gave one final chance to be a decent human. Instead of apologizing for being rude,R went on a text litany about all he has done for me,how dare I get upset knowing how busy he is.20 plus years and he has not grown an iota as a person. I have. And I deserve better. It doesn’t matter who is wrong or right when your actions hurt another. You apologize,period. Yet…what I got was called jackass and DONE.

Newsflash,dude. I was already done,thus ghosting you for 2 weeks. To avoid your petty little rant making me the jerk,as always. Time to move on and stop settling for less than I deserve. We all deserve better than friends who exploit our mental issues to avoid responsibility for their own actions. Wish I could do the same for my dad. The negativity is just toxic but family is fresh hell for some of us.

All in all,not a bad day. It was getting pretty dark,we both needed a break. Who knows about tomorrow. For this moment,I don’t feel doomed. Some days that is good enough.

Confused Like A Chameleon In A Bag Of Skittles

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on August 30, 2021 by morgueticiaatoms

Well after a solid year not even working up tears for my grandma’s funeral…I have burst into tears 3 times today. Just…flooded and the sadness and frustration overwhelmed. I couldn’t make it stop,even with self bullying. Not felt this way since my last period like 16 months ago.

I guess this is the next hellish chapter of menopause. Yay. NOT. It’s gotta be hormones because nothing has changed,it has stayed consistently awful.

And my one sweet escape has turned into fresh hell and part of it is me. I am terrified and trying to create problems rather than go with the flow. As if I don’t deserve anything sweet and kind,gotta set it on fire and burn it to the ground before it happens to me first. Because,what if. What if I am reading it all wrong? What if I am being lied to and played? What if my bipolar is the dealbreaker? What if my need for clarity is perceived as smothering neediness?

What ifs fucking suck,even if they have a minute amount of possibility to them. It is paralyzing. The terror is real. It is so real I’ve had a dozen conversations in my head on good reasons to abandon ship and save myself. From hurt,from self loathing,from embarrassment…

Is that feeling in my gut just terror from so much hurt and so many failed relationships? Are these ‘blow it up’ thoughts based on any sort of reality or just my fear?

Is it all hormonal?

At least I recognize my own self sabotaging behaviors any time a relationship is involved. That shows growth,I used to didn’t see it or get it at all.

I know one feeling I have that is absolutely based on fact. P confuses the fuck out of me. Comes on strong,goes shy and wordless. Idk where I stand half the time and that is hellish. Bring it up,apology and embarrassed emoji. No further communication. And I try to remind myself how very young is and how abrasive I can be,maybe I make him go hide in silence. I guess talking to each other 12 hours most days should tell me everything I need to know..and yet it doesn’t.

Then I berate myself for taking it seriously and getting too attached too fast. That is on me. Still,am I not due some clarity since the confusion truly is causing me pain?

I don’t really want an answer today,I have had the shit kicked out of me already today. My dad. Called at 7 a.m. bitching about my messy yard. Then R had called him asking why I am pissed and ignoring him. I explained and my dad laughed and told me I was getting too upset over things ‘these days’. I cannot remember the last time I expressed anger-or any emotion-with them. So wtf is he on about? THEN he said he knows I have a lot on my mind but so does he,don’t I think he wants to give up and die sometimes? Then it turned into a joke about his dog.

What the actual fuck? I never mentioned a word about giving up or dying. Is he fucking senile? I haven’t even mentioned my stress with Spook .

Anyway,that started the tears. I powered on,cleaning up sticks in the yard and piling them up. He ‘informed’ me they would be mowing today so I walked on eggshells for awhile. Heard him grabbing the stick pile but no call or knock. So I assumed they were waiting til afternoon. I put on my.good headphones and heard nothing. They apparently mowed. Now I am playing dodge call because I have no desire to be screamed at for not being at the ready to do my part mowing on their time table. Did he call? No? Did he text? No. Did he even have my brother reach out on IG? No. But I will be in the wrong. Let me predict the speech…”We came over to help you out,using our mowers and gas,and your lazy ass couldn’t be bothered to help. Fuck you,next time you want help ask someone else.”

I DID NOT ASK FOR HELP.

There is no way that convo will go differently. And no surprise even 20 years later,he still sides with R on everything.

Ok…that is better. Needed a good purge. Maybe bottling it up is why it boiled over.

I am not going to speak up or burn anything down right now,no matter how strong the fear induced urge is. Gonna wait for a different mentalscape and see if I feel any less confused. Plus I have been up since 2 a.m. so I am exhausted AF,that cannot be giving me clear thoughts.

Tomorrow is another day. Maybe it will be better. Maybe not. Just gotta get thru this day without any bridge burnings. And it is tough because I am a metaphorical pyro when it comes to shit like that.

I will not self sabotage. I will not self destruct. Will not,will not,will not.

And yet there would be peace by the flames as it all burned,I would be safe from the what ifs and risks.

So fucking tempting. But,NO.

I’m Not Sick

Posted in Uncategorized on August 29, 2021 by morgueticiaatoms

Mental Health Is

Posted in Uncategorized on August 29, 2021 by morgueticiaatoms