Recover

Yesterday I finally managed to drop rent money off and wash a triple load of my clothes at laundromat. Ridiculous since I have a washer but that stupid drain set up stresses me THAT much. I also cooked.chicken noodles yday. Today,I try to recover. Who knew pushing yourself so hard would exhaust this much?

As usual the start of the week brings massive anxiety. Esp since my kid got suspended last week. Neverending drama with him. Phone calls,mail,formal situations,it all starts on Monday. So begins the 5 day walk on eggshells mode. I just know the housing will be calling because I slid the rent under the door. Idiotic not to have a drop box accessible on weekends. It was so hard for me to face that task it is amazing I got it done at all. And I am.still not ready.to handle formal phone calls. Wish.it could all be done thru text and email.

For now I breathe and try to soothe myself. Recovering from taxing days is rough. Iykyk.

Grunge

I feel like I should be in.a 90s grunge band. Not bathed since Wednesday. Which was the day sis dyed my hair so.my scalp.is.itchy and red dye remnants are under my nails. I am rewearing dirty clothes since all my clean clothes are summer stuff and I am bloody freezing. Thought.of a shower sets my jaw grinding and my body shivering. Idk why the drs won’t listen.to me. This 6 months a year of unable to get warm has become a serious hindrance. Yes,depression makes hygiene hard but when it was in the 60s Wednesday I showered after becoming.soaked with sweat. For whatever reason,science is skipping me with the whole shower will raise your core temp.

As grunge-tastic as I feel,as ashamed and embarrassed I am to be this way…until I can stop shivering,a shower is not happening.

We went to game night with Mom and Sis last.night. I was so exhausted from fight or flight anxiety all day all I could focus on was leaving. I tried to have fun. I wore my happy mask. And god knows I didn’t want to risk my kid exploding by changing plans and not going. I just was not in good shape yesterday,mentally.

Today is not looking any better. Still gotta face the rent thing. Still gotta face laundry. I don’t wanna. I also said I would cook chicken noodles today but ugh,not sure I have the energy. Yesterday drained me. But do I have the central nervous system bandwidth of not making them and facing.my kid’s wrath? I am so tired of my kid’s behavior. Nothing I buy him.is ever enough. Going out with him is misery because he is the I Want monster.

For now…just accept that I feel like shit and need to zone out. Pressuring myself to go Nike and just do it has the opposite effect. I don’t respond to bullying even from myself. And the saddest part is,I would.not be expected to tough love myself if I had a broken bone or IBS. Nope. You take your time and heal…Mental illness? Suck it up,you are better than this making excuses and whining…

As far as society has come in how it handles mental illness…it has a very long way to.go.before it.is kimd and empathetic.

Ducks

One of those days where my ducks are all over,going in multiple directions,carrying maces and clucking Baby Shark. No clean clothes so reuse it is. No bra? Can’t be arsed. You said yesterday you would get groceries tomorrow,here it is. No,not looking like this. No,now my kid is cussing me for changing plans. DO SOME FUCKING LAUNDRY!No,the sink is draining even slower,cannot cope with overflow right now. Beautiful day out but the shrieking kids at the park have me missing 5pm darkness. Wait,this spot on the floor is filthy,let’s….SNAP. just broke a $16 mop. Ducks everywhere. Quacking. Earlier I said clucking cos the word escaped…DUCKS!!!

Fuck it. So I sit in my recliner of safe space,cringing at ambient noise and still a little pissy cos a so called FB friend basically accused me of being on there so much I neglect my kid. Wtf? 13 year olds don’t want too much family time. And we are together 24-7. We spent 6 hours playing games last night. But sure,my kid is unfed,naked,crying and totally neglected…Well meaning people can suck as much as straight up assholes. So…a little humor to cope. No children were neglected in the 4 minutes it took to find these memes.🙄🙄🙄

Drive

I have been struggling with my anxiety and panic with driving for several years now. Pounding heart,paranoia,twitchibg,fear,erratic breathing,white knuckling the wheel,jaw grinding…all while my mind races and points out every tiny thing that COULD go wrong. And it would be my fault for going out when I should have stayed home. Man,those 4 years in Armpit with my dad’s constant criticism and blame have given me some sort of complex ptsd.

BUT…twice today despite every instinct screaming to stay put…I managed two car outings. It was tense. I could.not have been more nervous if a robber was holding me at gunpoint. In my mind,when racing thoughts would allow,I kept telling myself,no,the illness cannot be allowed to win. And today it didn’t win. At least the anxiety didn’t win.

The depression is eating me alive. I can barely manage clean clothes and making sandwiches. I did dishes for the first time in a week Thursday and was as proud as if I had scaled a mountain. Laundry is piled up in trash bags since I cannot trust the sink to drain the washer without flooding. I need desperately to go to the laundromat but…anxiety is screaming about bad juju and pounding heart and…I am frozen. And Ben had a friend over today-the ritzy preppy one- and she said something about her spoon wasn’t clean blah blah. Embarrassing but geesh. Just wash it off,get another,or use a plastic one. No need to be so rude. And no,her Autism doesn’t fly with me. She is rude. Makes fun of my goth makeup. I do not like her but I suck it up because Ben has so few friends. I like hearing him laugh and have fun. But now I feel ashamed of my lousy housekeeping. And my bedroom aka the junk room where stuff has piled up for 6 months. Barely a path to walk. Over and over I try to face it and get it sorted. And I cannot organize my thoughts and I freeze. Living in terror of next inspection. Hell livibg in terror my lease won’tbe renewed because I got my mail while not wearing a bra or sone silly obscure rule. Fight,flight,freeze all at once. Freeze is winning.

For now,I will take the win against the crippling anxiety. My legs are like jelly in the aftermath so I will just relax,do breath exercises,and hope my brain will quiet enough for sleep. Mental illness is exhausting.

Formal Anxiety

I have my mandatory yearly housing review in a few hours. Only got 3 hours total sleep because anxiety had me walking on razor blades. Formal settings with “authority figures” really sets off my fight,flight,freeze panic receptors. But the woman and agency basically hold our life in their hands. And while I have worked really hard to go by the rules,I signed 40 plus pages and of course,I didn’t do more than skim. Like reading does any good since I forget stuff 2 minutes later. Even important formal stuff. So between Ben’s loud explosions and my vocal cat,I expect complaints have been made even tho no notices or complaints were made to me.

Good old panic,assuming problems based solely on distorted fear. I have to face,though,that I could have inadvertently broken a lease rule. Like missing my first appt because I wrote it as the 8th but it was the third. Somehow numeric dyslexia and sloppy handwriting don’t seem like excuses that will fly. Except they aren’t excuses,this is my reality. Explanations are not excuses nor a failure to take responaibility for my failings.

I also have phone therapy and told her it was a good time. Turns out,I told her my appt was at 2pm but turns out it is 11 and therapy is at 10. I know she will understand but my psych accesses my records to ensure I am doing counseling,I don’t want shortened sessions making me look non compliant. The numbers of appts get me so confused. I can’t even do breathing exercises without getting confused as to breathe in thru nose,hold 2 seconds,out thru mouth. I get it all turned around. So I am not making excuses to shirk responsibilty. I get all confused even with basic stuff or things I like. My brain is thought salad.

I am also on eggshells with my kid. He got in school suspension for screaming curse words at a bully and today told me I may have to come get him cos if the bullies say anything he will stand up for himself. Which means blowing up,cursing,screaming…egad,that kid is gonna be the death of me. So today’s Xanax dose is a little more than usual in hopes it slows my pounding heart and racing panicky thoughts.

Will post more later on how it goes. Wish me luck not to have a breakdown and burst into tears. Meds have held tears at bay for months but like a sleeping,dormant beast…they can revive and turn me into a blubbering mess. Joy joy happy happy.

I

Unsafe

The anxiety ninjas appeared early today. Then got worse after my kid’s psych appt during which he started yelling and cursing me and the np and the center. Then I noticed a tire looks low,again. I am missing a wiper blade. So paranoia that people are fucking with my car kicked in. Coming home didn’t quell any of it. I feel unsafe. Just not sure from what. These distorted thoughts and physical manifestation if anxiety leave me at a loss. I am a strong woman. A badass. Why can I not beat anxiety?

So doors locked,lights out,computer binge playing a show to kill silence and sort of distract my mind. Logically,I KNOW this is part of my thought disordets. I still FEEL unsafe and scared. No one talks about that part. I posted on FB and well meaning people all said breathing exercises. As if I don’t run that into the ground. One suggested smoking pot. And since we just got a dispensary I have toyed with trying edibles. Pot never did much but.lower my iq and makeme sleepy but I am desperate.

For now…ride it out. Survive it. What else can I do?

Wacky Brutal Seasonal Depression

It was 13 degrees yesterday. I was a lump. I moved around but accomplished nothing. Those cold gray days on top of fighting a cold and poor sleep DRAIN me. My kid is also battling a cold and I was unable to stay asleep last night,worried I might need to take him to the dr. That worry sleep means you get zero restorative sleep,just lots of brief naps and tons of anxiety riddled wake ups.

I have been up since 4am. 6 degrees out today. BUT,the sun is shining so it isn’t quite so debilitating. Ben went to school. I managed clean clothes. Made a trip to 2 stores for supplies. Now I try to focus on a show I like and wonder if I will be functional tomorrow morning. 5 degrees come 8am and I have a meeting at the school at 9:15. I offered to take Ben to school cos I know he hates the bus. Cannot flake or it will be a Benplosion. Leaves me 75 minutes in the cold with nothing to do. Oh,well.

Seasonal depression baffles me. So much more than “the blues”. Even the drs seem skeptical of how bad it is. Sun helps but between late October and late March it is like a switch in me ia flipped. I am left drowning? Flailing. Needing a lifesaver tossed me way. While being told I gotta save myself. So which is it? Don’t be afraid to ask for help or do it all alone? BAFFLING.

For now I made some good checks off the to do list and aim for more. Some days it has to be enough to just try.

Hygiene Hijinks

Ok,so no hijinks but no fucking way should showering be so difficult I struggle to do it once a week. I am not alone. I read other blogs and depression paints showering a barely surmountable task. I enjoy feeling clean and smelling nice so Idk why it is so hard.

Nice ish day out so neighbor kids are out screeching in the warm sun. My kid already had a blow up this morning. Over me not knowing if my sis is playing Bingo tonight. From there it became assasinate mom’s character on 8 diff failings. And then…he was all I love yous. HOW can the so called professionals give me NO help with this kid?

So Bingo tonight. Something to get us out of the house. Family time. Adult conversation. Soo sick of hearing about Tiktok and other mentally deficient social media. It is supposed to be fun distraction. My kid wields it as gospel. And I am exhausted. Breaking down in ways I cannot explain. Yet because my meds finally hold suicidal thoughts at bay,the only help I qualify for is outpatient therapy. So I can come home to everything breaking me down.

Mental illness is a hell no one should have to live.

I’m Alive

Never gone a month without blogging here in 9 plus years. My mental state is that bad. I have a meeting w Ben’s school in 80 minutes. Waiting anxiety is awful. I am like a deer frozen in headlights these days. I feigned hygiene with a wet wipe and Irish Spring mop up. Clean clothes. I got Ben’s cold and spent the night coughing and with a sore throat and sniffles. No fever or loss of taste of smell or taste so 99 percent typical winter coldbola. Ick.

Anyway…I am here. I will write more later IF clarity should make a rare appearance.

Unmerry

Niki’s not “feeling it,what’s new”. I know. But it is less the holidays and more the cold and my kid. The psych nurse calles to follow up the other day since they are booked so solidly. She wanted to know how Ben is doing on Duloxetine. I think it is helping more than Fluoxetine but my kid says none of them work. And none will if the problem is situational or you have made up your mind to be unhappy because everything doesn’t go your way. Much of it is like that w Ben. He puts forth zero effort to learn coping skills. Anyway…she asked if I had other concerns (sooo many) but I mentioned the ODD explosions. Talk therapy is the only treatment. And she mentioned commutting him to the outpatient program 50 miles away. All they do is group therapy. And the xhild returns home daily so how would that help me other than to add to his paranoia that all adults are out to get him? If anything it would turn him against me more.

So I feel screwed all around. And I am scared. Of betraying my kid. Of continuing to live w his blow ups. Hard to find happy or content here.

So I put one foot in front of the other and.push away thoughts that the only way through or out is death. I have tied far too much self worth to my kid’s (un) happiness and my worth as a mom. Which considering all my failures he brings up even tho reality was a little different…I have nothing to be proud of. I have failed him. He has even taken to sayibg it is my fault his dad left.despite his dad walking out on 2 other kids…And the kid is cranky and volatile today due to “obly” getting 8 hours sleep so I fear tonight w my transphobic family. Merry fucking Christmas. Time to put on my mask. The one everyone buys into because surely Niki is dramatizing,depression isn’t that bad,no cgild could act that bad. My life is a maze,I am the rat and there is no cheeseno matter how many times I pass the finish.

I am gonna do my best to just enjoy the holiday. Problem is,reality doesn’t pause for Santa.