Let’s NOT Come On Feel The Noise

Noisy morning,seems work is continuing across the street for the new doublewide going on. Loud machinery and people are the bane of my existance.

My state of not wanting to sleep 24-7 has left the building. I got more melatonin and benadryl,it seems to half ass work since I took a 2 week break.

It’s just hard to keep up that high will to live thing when month after month,you have no money for stuff you gotta have. I am supposed to get school clothes,school supplies,and monthly pet supplies on $40. How the fuck. And my family’s not helping. It is demoralizing. Everyone thinks it’s as simple as get a job,make more money. My disability has to cooperate. And the system is not cooperative,it is feast or famine,fuck in between. I feel utterly hopeless,moneywise. I try not to let it get me down but it does. Unfortunately,money is just one facet. Simply being unable to feel happy is the true crippling thing. Depression need not be 24-7 tears and sleep. Just feeling low and not being able to shake it is every bit as debilitating as what they would call major depressive disorder.

Yesterday was an exercise in bravery. I let my kid convince me to let her friend go to town with us as part of her bday gift. I have no problem with him/her being a trans. My problem is his parents drive a Lexus and gave him his own credit card,so he has zero concept of not being well off. He just kept putting food in the cart because she ate it at his house…geesh,I am on a budget. And the kid does not listen. Was so stressful,I spent the whole evening recovering from that 2 hour outing.

I did not sleep well. I slept about an hour each in 4 cycles. Why I cannot stay down is beyond me. Something off about me. I had a 5 hour energy shot…and went to sleep. It ain’t supposed to work that way,ffs.

At least Spook’s mood has been on an upswing. I live in fear of a slip cos that is when the bad thoughts return.

My stomach is on fire,all the noise has me so anxious abd stressed. I could so use a Xanax the size of a hubcap.