Archive for trans kids

Mom Fail

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 18, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Just woke again at 3:50 am. Again heart pounding in a panic. Racing thoughts,terror,paralysis. At least I gad a couple hours not feeling lousy. And my brief respite of the numbness and belly pressure is gone,so feeling awful.physically,too.

Last night I was exhausted after 19 hours awake. I lay in bed with meditation videos for over an hour,so determined to MAKE,all these tried and true “sleep” methods” so fool proof the military uses them for soldiers under high stress.

Around 9:30 I finally started to be able to slow my mind,focus on breathing and relaxing muscles…

And my kid is piping in every 5 months. Love you,mom. You’re gay,mom. Can I play with the cat sleeping on your bed? Can I vacuum my room…omg,was like he didn’t take his adhd pill aLL day with the hyper bubbleheaded thing. I struggled so hard not to get aggravated…by 10 pm after 14 hours of him carrying on this way…I broke. Didn’t yell or get hateful. “I am tired and you keep interrupting my meditation. Please stop,I am going yo try to sleep.”

Except…in my exhaustion and annoyance,I called by his given name. And I didn’t even realize it tI’ll the edgy “Next time call me BEN.”

I “deadnamed” him twice this week,was not intentional. But for trans people,dead naming is apparently invalidating or something. We are supposed to pretend the kid we gave birth too and named never existed and adapt to their new normal and never slip up.on name and pronouns. At this point I am so gendered out I could throw up. That is not anti trans. That is “I am sick of hearing 14 hours a day every day about pride flaags and all the genders and sexual orientations and pronouns from a 12 year old who cannot even commit to a favorite color”. Not everything is LGBTQI related. But this child never lets up on it. And THAT is what fuels the bigots. Be who you are but it doesn’t have to be your every waking thought and talking point.

Guess I sound old fashioned and unsupportive. Aside from the dead name slips,I have been awesomely supportiven Eveb let him show me Walmart’s pride section (endcap). I just don’t need to discuss my gender and sexual orientation 12 plus hours a day so I guess I don’t understand those who make it the only center of their life. I am TRYING,Ben.

So I will be punished randomly for awhile with self righteous indignation,accusations of being anti trans,and such for awhile. Walking a minefield here.

4:49 am. Pressure in my belly is bad. Triple dose of laxative hasn’t helped move things along. So damn frustrated. Hoping the potassium supplement helps but I don’t think it is going to explain or fix it. So back to no answers and no healthcare provider who gives a damn.

And still not a nibble of someone to rehome my cats but LOTS of making me feel bad for it. Thanks,assholes. Cos it isn’t ripping out my heart. Lots of judgment but no help or support.

Is it no wonder being awake depresses me on every front?

.

Nearing

Posted in anxiety, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

I can’t shake the bad mood. I can’t shake the near panic level anxiety. It is nearing time to drive to fetch Ben and the panic just keeps rising. I feel weak and pathetic. I “should” do something to make it better,except nothing does. Getting up and moving around makes my stomach more wonky and I feel woozy and light headed. More so. This concentrated breathing that is supposed to help calm me actually makes me more breathless.

And sad part is,medical science dictates its effectiveness so I must be making it all up. Double invalidation plus feeling physically and mentally ill. I don’t know how to see a positive in that but by not finding one I am allowing myself to malinger and letting the depression win.

THIS is what “behavioral health” has done. For me. To me. Every minute of every day. To others,too,I am sure. People who aren’t wired like me to question “expert” opinions and think they are bad people because tried and true is not working.

I think this is why I so wanted Ben’s mental issues to be faked. Because living like this,labeled and invalidated at every turn,is hellish. I would not wish this on anyone. As a kid,he gets some empathy but come adulthood,the label will cost him plenty.

I am also seeing online a lot of opinion claiming that parents who “indulge” trans children are committing a form of abuse,so that gives me anxiety. Bunch of narrow minds no doubt but am I validating my kid or am I messing him up? God I miss the days when love was enough for him.

For me. For us both. Now it is just turmoil and labels and I am so lost. I love my child,why can it not be enough?

So yeah,big detour in topic there. This is how my mind works. I hate my mind right now.

No Way Out

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on February 21, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

It’s sunny and 43 today. Snow is melting. My mood was…meh. Then my dad called and SPLAT. I know he means well but damn,him being up in my business is toxic. The idgit wanting to buy the LL’s properties called him last night and offered to sell him this place contract for deed ‘if’ he buys in. Thankfully dad knows how much work this place needs so he shut it down. In a normal family,that might be a legit option. My dad is intrusive and controlling so I would never agree to it anyway.

Then he started to remind me of the July 1rst close date and better be ‘doing something’. Like what? I have an appt with housing. I have no money so even talking to other landlords is unfeasible. Money talks,after all. And his redneck wheel and deal does not play in formal settings. They aren’t going to rent to me on lawn work and six dozen eggs(as much as I like the barter system).

And then he was on about the economy,Biden,the state taking all his tax money…And snotty comments about “Benjamin”,knowing Ben gates that shit. And me,because talking to them,I sometimes revert to his given name and birth gender,which he claims is transphobic. I’m not,I just struggle dealing with my old fashioned family.

So…in 12 minutes via phone my dad drained my will to live and set my panic into hyperdrive. I need OUT of this house,this town,HIS proximity. It is so not healthy.

Not that location will change much. Ben had a semi meltdown last night over something I did that he says is transphobic. By not agreeing 100% with him and “forcing” the world to comply with his wishes. I have tried to tell him it is nothing to do with gender,it is personality and the way he behaves. I don’t like disrespect. The counselor says his insistence on making everything about transphobia is another way he manipulates me,though she doesn’t use the m word. He is ‘getting my oat’. Which is the counselor’s way of not seeing Ben for who he has always been. Manipulative.

Then Ben started in on us giving up on him,we need to,he is hopeless and we should accept it and he has no future. It could have devolved into a real scene but I shut it down by saying I will NEVER give up on him. He calmed down but honestly,doing that scene every week and putting on a show to fool the counselor,while hating on me for every tiny thing…it makes me feel trapped and hopeless. No way out. And I hate feeling that way. Because medication will not fix situational depression.

So pretzel gut is ravaging me and I am exhausted before 10 a.m not having done a damn thing. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. But instead,I am just gonna keep binge watching 9-1-1 Lonestar and be distracted from all the dark negative stuff my own mind is spewing.

There has to be a way out that does not involve giving up. I am a good person. I deserve happiness. So does my kid. I just…gotta survive another day.

I Don’t Know

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on February 9, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to call this post. I don’t know.

Yesterday was shit. I went from being uncomfortable to actually hurting. But I was also stressed and crying so I can’t be sure if it was physical as opposed to anxiety. All this stuff with new insurance,trying to find a dr,dealing with Ben’s stuff,then the sensory overload dealing with my “helpful” family….Pretzel gut is like a hamster labyrinth. And then there is the ‘getting active’ thing where the more I do the worse my body feels. Which contradicts the healthcare party line of activity ALWAYS making stuff better. It does not work for me but of course,it must just be a lazy personality.

My sis texted me a rental. $650 a month,trash,water,and yard work included. She knows I get less than $1000 monthly. That,combined with power,would take every cent. I couldn’t even pay car insurance. And HOW would I come up with first month and deposit of that amount? Not to mention it was in a crime prone neighborhood. Pay that much I want to live in a decent area.

Yes,I know,that is pretty cheap rent these days. I am going to have to let go of my 2009 rent mindset. But I also have to have the money each month to cover everything. It feels so hopeless and I am terrified. And the more anxious I get,the more twisting my gut does.

Then there was dad’s call. Gossip,gossip,judge,mememe. Always making it clear my issues aren’t legit,I am just immature and lazy.

And THAT infuriates me. Mental illness has nothing to do with maturity. Sad thing is,even the so called professionals spew it,too. Telling you it’s not your fault you’re ill but you still have to “grow up” and cope.

So I got to feeling sad,hurting in my belly,then I got cold,so I took to Fort Blankie last night. Honestly,there was nothing to do at 5 p.m. stuck hete. My kid ate leftover pizza and did his own thing but kept asking if I was ok. He asked if I would be all right since putting off a dr visit til after his band concert. I try to be reassuring and not worry him. Probably got that wrong,too. So I slept off and on and woke at 5 a.mn filled with dread.

I have that video call with Ben’s counselor at 11. How that works,I don’t know. I don’t use video,ever,so I don’t think the phone has access. The woman didn’t even ask beyond do you have a smart phone. Rude much? She bulldozed me. And I was mid panic cos of driving in the rain and dark and I couldn’t find my keys so I just wanted to leave. Assuming everyone is ok with Zoom culture is arrogant. But to resist would look like I care more about myself than my kid. Damn it,why can’t adults assert themselves as individuals without it meaning we care less about our kids?

So I know what’s coming and I may deserve the bad mom lecture but it is not going to help Ben or me for me to be flogged more. I recognize where I have gone wrong,I am willing to own it and do better. Hopefully she won’t beat the dead horse too much. Who knows,maybe I will get an idea or two how to deal better with Ben.

Thought about doing the dr thing tomorrow but no,I have a phone intake at 11 and it has been set for weeks so…another time.

It’s a catch 22. You have to take care of yourself to be well enough to care for your child but then if you put yourself first that way,you are selfish. I am kind of over all these mixed messages. Def over the idea that counseling will do me good. Venting will. But what I need most is a case manager on a local level and insurance doesn’t cover it.

I am lost. I just don’t know.

I Am Not Transphobic!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

God I struggle every minute of every day with my girl becoming a boy. The beautiful name I gave her now a despised “dead name” that makes him furious even from his best friend. I lagged in being properly supportive and calling him Ben.

I am not transphobic,like he thinks. He says I view him being trans as a mental illness. No,I view it as a serious identity issue that is not likely to give him an easy life in the rural midwest. THAT becomes a mental issue over time. Not being trans. Just being anything different in a place where different gets ostracized.

It has not helped his cause that he flipflops pronouns and uses various names and has no qualm playing the ‘born a girl’ card if it means participating in sports.

Everything I’ve read or watched about trans children is that they have long struggled with gender identity and would be appalled to ‘use’ gender for shallow purposes. It’s not like some fashion choice or method of avoiding negative gender feelings. Most are dedicated to legal change in the future,if not reassignment surgery. I did not hear a single word about feeling like a boy for 11 years. Then I let her have a phone,she got involved in all this LGBTQ stuff,and bam,trans.

So yeah,I have trouble taking it too seriously when 7 months ago even getting the hair chopped off,he said he wasn’t sure he would be a boy forever. Just over Christmas he came to me all giddy with a new gender identity,talking about how it would blow his friends’ mind that he us gender fluid. Come January,nope,all boy now.

I can’t keep up. I could grasp gender fluid. I can grasp being in the wrong body. I CANNOT grasp this constant flip flopping.

It’s like until he figures it out…I see my child. My daughter. Who feels like a boy. An angry moody disturbed boy. And I daily have to mourn my daughter who for all purposes Ben has killed.

I know I gotta stop seeing it that way. My child isn’t a gender,he is a person. Though little of the person I raised 11 years remains. And maybe that is my real phobia. My little kid is gone. I am tweenphobic. I don’t know this version of my child. But hey,if I am this freaked,how hard must it be for Ben to be figuring it out?

I guess this is a shade of gray I am living in. Trying to be empathetic and supportive even though I mourn the child I ‘lost’. And that isn’t transphobic. That is pretty much the parent of any adolescent or tween that completely changes personality.

Hopefully with meds and therapy,Ben will settle a bit then I can try to get to know my child again. Gender be damned. I’d just like to return to having a kid who doesn’t despise me.

No,Ben. I am not at all transphobic. I am just confused and flawed and trying my best and you have me set up to fail no mater what I do. Guess momphobic is a thing.

Worst Mom Ever

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on February 4, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Ben tossed out a very hateful,”but you get to do it!” when I tried to set limits. So disrespectful. I caught myself,murmuring I will respond,I will not react…only made him growl at me.

So I went Googling ways to handle his behavior. Oh lucky me,I found ‘ten things that will mess your kids up’. And I do all 10. And some of it I am just meh about. Few things are facepalm DOH! things,never intended it to go so far.

But some of it truly is ridiculous. My parents calling me a slow poke or threatening to leave without me were NOT mental abuse. The mamby pamby coddling shit has gone too far. And much of my mistakes require the child to cooperate to fix it but all I am allowed to do is talk nicely about feelings to convince him to do so. When did parents get so neutered? And they can call it kind and enlightened all they want. It is blatant coddling and robbing parents of authority.

And now that a do gooder counselor is involved,it is hopeless that I will ever feel anything but attacked and neutered as a parent. Even taking their phone-the one the parent keeps active-is considered abusive. We are glorified counselors with no power and the kids are having a field day.

Do I need to make some changes to my behavior? YES. I asked Ben how he plans to change his negative behavior…total defiance and blame shifting. And now he has a counselor on his side and is not letting me forget any missteps. Not that he ever did. Now there is just a smugness and any reaction I have except smiling acceptance is toxic parenting.

There was a fleeting moment tonight,when out of hurt and frustration,I pictured turning him over for foster care. I mean,EVERY parenting article I found is mamby.pampy stuff that I am never going to be ok with. Parents should be in charge,not cowtowing. And seems anything less is toxic parenting and I am just fed the fuck up.

But that just stresses how not right my mind is right now. I don’t want my child to go away. I want the tension and disrespect to go away. He is what brings both. My behavior can change 180 degrees but it will not matter if he is hell bent on not cooperating. It takes 2 and I am ready to make changes. Ben is not. So this hellish existence is all I have to look forward to.

I just cannot put into words how much that tears me apart.

Just sad to the marrow of my soul.

In Hell

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on January 28, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Tension with my kid last night. Tension this morning. He even tried convincing me other kids get 22 hours screen time daily AND they all text and call at 11 p.m. This morning he claimed he does not feel safe here and only the phone makes it better. I was waiting for accusations against me. Instead he claims it is this town. Of 400 people. With almost no crime,let alone violence. 7 years in a sleazy trailer park,never an.issue. And not like I can’t relate. I don’t feel emotionally safe here,thanks to my dad.

I think it is time to hospitalize her. Nothing is improving. If the thought distortion is this bad,nothing I do will help. I will speak with the counselor Tuesday.

I had to take 20mg of melatonin to sleep last night,my anxiety was so high,the thought loops so bad. Still didn’t keep me down. Did help me sleep til after 6,only had to force myself up from.the grog. My gut is in knots. I am so damn sad. Like soul weeping sad. To see how things with my kid have disintegrated…breaks my heart. Then the incident still haunts me,tho not for the reasons you might think. And shit with my dad. No money.

I held up ok for a few days. Guess the low was due. Just gotta keep going. Very hard when you live in a hellish state of hostile confusion. I am too exhausted to be mad at my kid. I am just…broken and sad. What is normal 12 year old pushback?I Idk.

God,I hope he is ok at the bus stop. Not gotten a call yet but I made him mad saying I was taking the phone for the weekend for yelling at me so probably would not call ne. He says we “all” are why he is so angry and unhappy. Maybe 3 people he likes. Last night he got pissed at the counselor for calling him on his behavior and made a rather gruesome comment. Not unusual with my gallows sarcasm but definitely a flaming red flag for “normal” people. Kid scares me a little. Think on some level he always has,so much rage and zero empathy or impulse control. Apparently not a phase.

I’m so rattled and sad,I doubt I will get much done today. Deer in headlights time. Stare at the phone like a ticking bomb,waiting for his next drama. I am trying so hard to be compassionate but the child is plain mean. The kinder I am,the angrier and nastier he gets.

Guess this is where I finally have to “grow up” and learn to stand up for myself beyond a sarcastic quip and avoidance.

I just want to cry. I thought I might get a break,Ben wanted to stay at my sister’s a night to hang with his cousin. My sister never said yes or no,just dodged it. And it is because no one wants the risk of Ben’s SI or suicide attempts,tho the counselor said those were not actual attempts.

I just want to feel at peace for a few hours.

Mommy Issues

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on January 27, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Yeah,yeah,Ben is 12 and barely calls me mom,let alone mommy. Better cadence than mom issues.

He narced a 15 year old girl out for vaping so the girl physically attacked him after school. Video was captured. Ben was rattled but ok and when I asked if he wanted to have the girl arrested,he said hmm,she deserves it. So????

In true redneck small town fashion,stepmonster called to let me know a hs senior they are close with got it all on video and it us assault and I needed to have her arrested. Got mad when I pointed out how that could make it even worse on Ben if her friends pile on.

Then dad called later to rant about how I fucked up by not “beating the piss out of” my school bullies 40 years ago. “Your way didn’t work 40 years ago,it won’t work now.” He forgets the ONE time I did stand up for myself I got my face beaten in by a chick wearing a bunch of class rings and it solved nothing. I told my kid,if you think it will send the right message,kick her ass and I will stand by you.

My kid adamantly said no,he does not want to fight.

So dad used that as ammo that I am being a shit mom and we’re both wrong. I even said something about it would be helpful if the witnesses calling them actually contacted the mom. The girl who got video literally lives 4 houses away and drives by us on her way home. Oh nooo,that pissed dad off. “No.one knows how to get a hold of you,goddamn it,half the time yoyr phone doesn’t work (first I have heard of it,guess I should neurotically assume it not ringing means it is broken?) So it’s my fault I keep to myself and no one befriends me or responds to my efforts? Should I post my number at the minimart so people can reach me?

The man’s logic is ludicrous and that level of anger in cursing me out is baffling. But they are quite popular here so it must just be me. He has always had a problem with me being me. And at 49,I am just really over making daddy love me. Fuck off,you negative soul sucking cloud of doom. Stay out of my life if you can’t accept me like an adult.

So yeah,that was a clusterfuck and I was ready for bed by 8 p.m. And even tho Ben rarely leaves his room,let alone talks to me,I still feel shitty when I zonk out in.exhaustion. I think being needed is my true disorder. If I don’t feel needed,I am lost. Wanted,pff. Being useful in some wsy is my drug. A kid who only needs me to scream at and buy stuff is pretty demoralizing.

Change is needed but I don’t know what to do. Again,covid has altered what few mental health resources are available here. At least we both have counseling appts on tap. I am doing something at least. Just gotta survive 6 more weeks til the spring mood thaw.

Very difficult when you have nothing positive keeping your soul alive.

Perception

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on January 26, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Up since 4:30 ish. I think. Days start to blur together here in Armpit during winter. In the negatives so all I wanted was to be warm and go back to sleep. Scumbag brain was not on board. Even when comfy and warm with purring cats,the urge to do something was overwhelming. Even if that something is just sitting up and looking at memes.Don’t think people grasp that the goal is rarely to socialize or get my ego fed. It is to not be alone with my thoughts. To let something else into my mind.

Another explosive morning with Ben. Prime nastiness. I lost my cool but damn it,the kid left his coat at school. Trying to convince him science is real should not be a goddamn battle. Trying to protect him. Needless to say,I felt so stressed I called the insurance abput getting him in a day program. Which requires an adolescent psych to first assess then admit and of course,nearest is 40 miles. All the woman could do was suggest I call the 2 drs she listed to get a referral.

Useless. I can barely make cold calls in my right mind. I don’t know what the answer is. Not to mention the rage and betrayal I will get from my kid.

Feeling helpless and hopeless…I put on 80s hair radio and forced myself to wash dishes. It’s hard. The water barely gets hot so lots of moving grease around. Last time I trued turning it up the pilot went out so nope.

Forced myself into a bath. Clean clothes even with underthings. I have got to get to town for cat food,we are out,so I thought bathing and making the effort for normal might help my mindframe.Instead I just want to go to sleep. I feel beaten down,baffled,and exhausted. It is hell to love someone so much yet have that love rejected and treated with violent contempt. I have even fallen on.my sword and owned how I may contribute to our issues at tines. Nothing is ever good enough for Ben. His feelings are all that matter. But he doesn’t want to talk about them. Yet you don’t care about me,mom,or you would ask about me. Circular mentality with no end in sight.

Sometimes feels like he sets me up to fail by repeating irrational behaviors that make me confused and frustrated. Maybe an effort to control his life? Keep mom too confused to ever consistently discipline.

I know I sound paranoid. It does not mean I am wrong. My gut always suspects when something is off. I let all the psychobabble convince me I am perceiving things incorrectly. Sometimes I am just putting 2 and 2 together.

Noticed Ben,for some ungodly reason,emptied my Skin So Soft bottle. People using my stuff without permission is a grand canyon trigger for me. No good trying to talj to him. He doesn’t remember or why would he or the cats did it. His inability to EVER take responsibility and give genuine apologies is crazy making. How the hell do you set boundaries with that mentality? Everyone says I “let” him get away with it. What am I supposed to do? I say no over and over,I talk to him,I try to stress how rude it is…he seems to have zero conscience. And the signs were there long before tweenhood. Never being wrong might be semi funny with a 5 year old. Kind of terrifying when.it is a 12 year old.

Idk what to fucking do. I wish insurance would have approved the day program back in August. That shrink was utterly useless and very biased against single moms and trans kids. Insisted the kid needed day program but refused to admit him,was all.on me to handle it. And no doubt the woman would have me up on neglect charges for not following through but if the ER dr and crisis counselor don’t see it as a must and insurance won’t pay without an admitting dr or forced hold…what the fuck am I supposed to do?

Maybe I need a nap. It won’t solve anything but it might help me per ceive things more clearly. So much noise in my head. So much confusion. And feeling physically shitty makes it worse.

Illinois mental health care is a joke.

Is There Anybody Out There?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on January 4, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

It boggles my mind how I have X amount of followers…yet got one like for yesterday’s post. I have mindless babble posts from last February still racking up dozens of likes. My topic is the same. My writing style is the same.

SO TELL ME WHY I HAVE DISINTERESTED FOLLOWERS?

What did I do to alienate? Ok,last couple of months I was on a little journey into denial,trying to convince myself that I “wanted” to be mentally ill so if I just accepted all my bad feelings as normal and stopped ‘living’ mental illness…

It was an epic fail. Bottom line is,I am very ill right now. Mentally. I am overwhelmed. I am just treading water. Last night my kid started harping on the trans thing and hating her dead name and I need to MAKE the school treat her lije a boy. Problem is,the child has had 5 gender and name changes since last summer. For her it is about being more comfortable as a male because girls are sexualized. Changing gender to minimize discomfort is asinine. Got a chest binder but wants to wear skirts and tights. I grew up on Boy George,ffs,I am not transphobic or against men that look feminine. I am against petty shallow people using gender fluidity and trans as a fashion statement.

And the cringe factor does not end there. She does NOTHING to help around the house. Constantly demands more more more stuff. Had a rage fit several times yesterday because I won’t let her walk to the gas station in 13 degrees with no coat or gloves. She even fought the science against frostbite as us adults out to make her look unstylish in a coat. A coat I let her pick out but now she says I forced it on her. Which she has said about evert coat anyone got her the last 4 years. Unlikable is just not strong enough word at times. She stands for everything I find vile.

What kind of mother says that? One who is honest and juat trying to sort it all out. My kid has good traits but 99% of her life revolves around blowing up over being told no. I feel like an abused spouse,tiptoing around her. And it is weird cos some days we had were good. Then she starts hanging out with her fellow ‘trans’ S and his attitude is seen in her crystal clear. I have rarely disliked a kud more than him/her. And what mom is going to like a kid who tells their child “you are ugly but I can make you.pretty with make up”

I sound like a pissy little bitch,I know. Losing P’s friendship has me confused yet clear,numb but raw. But he made a choice. I tried to at least apologize for not handling it better but he is gone. And I wish him the best. To do otherwise just is not me. No matter my flaws,I really do have good intentions and a soft heart.

But I guess my take away is that it was never about him teaching me anything. It was about me learning I still have a lot of work to do on myself. And it sucks,dear god,how much more do I need to change to be fit for relationships. Or maybe I don’t need to fit because it is not what I need. Just been programmed to seek that out as a norm. May not be my norm. Relationships are too constraining.

But then here I am,all lonely and sad because I no longer have blog supporters. 11 years of this blog and I may as well be a noob. That stings.

Oh,well. Just wanted to vent. I woke at 5 a.m. bathed in sweat and raw from coughing all night so writing seemed like something to do. It’s funny cos I never started blogging to be read. That like button will make a narcissist out of anyone. Need to deprogram myself and write for myself again.

It still wouldn’t suck if a person or two chimed in to let me know I am not totally alone. Because I feel more alone now than I did as a bullied 11 year old kid. It’s pretty goddamn awful.