Lies,Lies,Lies

Sans my normal benadryl and melatonin cocktail…I have gotten 5 hours of sleep in 2 days. Today I was awake til 5 a.m. and it was a bitch dragging my ass out of bed. Lucky I did. My kid was so wrapped up some app that hides the time,she nearly missed the bus. She actually got mad AT ME for pointing out how late it was. How dare I try to keep her on schedule! Running on so little sleep,I really did not welcome her sass rage. 4 more days and she is all mine for 11 weeks. I would prefer a dirt nap,please. This tween thing has made her so hard to like. You love your kid unconditionally but when all they ever do is mouth off,yell,and have rage fits…like is difficult for some of us parents lacking a mooshy ‘my kid can do no wrong’ center.

I was not able to nod off again after my berating from Tweenzilla. Wanted to. Couldn’t.

Soo I forced myself to get moving and mow the lawn because the doctors say moving around will actually give you more energy.

LIES,LIES,LIES.

It worked last week but I was also getting more sleep. Today I tired out in the first 5 minutes and took a break. In fact,I worked in brief spurts and took many,many rest breaks. Mowing can be hard work and make you sore. So little sleep and starting out sore and tired made it all much worse.

3/4 done I hit an absolute wall. I needed a cool down bath and comfy pants rather than shorts with grass spraying my bare legs and making me itchy. The bath helped get me out of sweaty itch mode but playing Twister to get in the tub exhausted me more than energizing me.

I stopped long enough to eat half a Sloppy Joe since I was having the rubbery legs and dizzy thing I get when I do not for long periods. Then back to being the lawn ranger. I am the ONLY person on my entire street who uses a push mower and my lawn is the biggest. Not that I know how to use a riding lawn mower but my fucking dad gas FOUR of them. Not once has he offered to loan me one. Such an asshole. He even drove by twice while I was on rest breaks and started in on how I was resting more than mowing.

Fuck off,old man. His neighbor is dating a black man so dad,as usual,insisted on sharing his offensive,bigoted views. I called him a racist motherfucker and he said,oh,well. Like he is not just ok being a racist ass,but proud of it. How am I related to this man?????

I kept taking breaks in mowing but eventually got it done. As I was enduring the noisy,mind numbingly boring chore,I thought,Damn,this is so basic you could do it in your sleep. Which lead to the thought,oh man,why can’t zombies be real. The mindlessly shamble constantly,they would make excellent lawncare help! Yep,I really do have such thoughts.

After the mowing,I vegetated in front of the tv and fan. After Spook got home,and mad at me again for not being able to guess a song (on account of me not being,ya know,psychic!), I let her sulk off to her room with the phone. And using a think i can,think i can mantra,I managed,with some Dash Radios The Strip hairmetal blasting on bluetooth headphones,to face down…dirty dishes. God,I hate dishes. But Spook did them two times before (to get something she wanted,not to be nice) so it was my turn. And I had to rewash half of the stuff she did anyway. She refuses to use warm or hot water so things still feel greasy.

Music really helped get me moving. Love my hair metal,takes me back to better mental health days. I was fired up enough to take out trash,start a load of wash,and make a meatloaf. Unfortunately,because my Xanax is gone and yet my anxiety continues to riot,I only managed a half hour of music then had to drop the noise. It is so fucking weird how something fires up your mood and energy…causes crippling anxiety to metastasize. Not a fan.

My kid is on a social media mission in an effort to get her friend’s attention about the sleepover tomorrow night. She is pissed at me because I will not let her go until I speak with an adult. I am not blindly taking Spook’s word,plus she cannot even give me a name,an address,a phone number. This friend’s mom texted Spook’s phone. I was never shown the text so Idk what is going on. It all sounds fishy. She can just be pissed off.

I am ready for bed and not yet 8 p.m. Yet exhausted as I am,my brain is totally awake with zero sleepiness. And it sucks.

Because,more lies,lies,lies from the professionals,leading you to believe long term insomnia can ever get you ‘caught up’ on rest. Not really how it works.

Hopefully I do get to sleep tonight and have happy,awesome dreams about headbanging,lawnmowing zombies. That would be sweet.