Little Relief

Went to the kiddie party. Ben bailed to go to the mall w a friend. It wasn’t awful. Pizza and cake and ice cream. But the whole time my mind screamed at me that I needed to be home. I escaped and am home now,Xanax on board,but have gotten little relief. Idk why. Probably the housing situation. They never did call back. Not gotten mail or anything. In my panic,I forgot to pay rent. I got a money.order so hopefully I can get it into the payment box before Monday. My brain is just so…haywire. I haven’t been late on rent in 15 years. I am seriously impaired.

If it were physical people would be more understanding. Mental illness just gets you castigated. It is tiring.

Anxiety Ninja Update

I took Xanax and played my spelling game for half hour. The anxiety is down to an 11. I forced myself out because I needed stuff to do meatloaf. IF I can muster up energy. What hasn’t died down is my “run to the bathroom” gut goblins. I was fine all weekend as far as tummy issues went. Nothing good lasts forever. Now…more zone out and chill. Time is often the only option that works. I just wanted to pat myself on the back for riding it out then working up the nerve to go out.

Jobs never allow for this which is why working is so hard for me.

Managing Sensory Overload?

It has quieted but three days have been sensory overload. Ben brought this hyper noisy friend into.our lives,then had a blow up/meltdown when I agreed ro keep her cos the babysitter fell througj at 5:30am. It was neighborly thing to do and her mom found someone else so other than both of our overloaded senses,I saw no reason for the blow up. But Ben has had 3 infections and 3 antibiotics in under a month snd still missing school cos of not feeling well so who knows what bee is buzzng in his bonnet.

No sooner than the girl left,in popped family friend C. Eating our food,showing.up unannounced,constantly talking…Nicer guy you won’t find so I don’t complain. Just a lot of overload.

Now all is still. Except my mind. It is a funnel cloud with a herd of cattle swirling around a thousand distorted thoughts. Paranoia,panic,anxiety,bad juju,impending doom. I am juggling it all with little relief from meds. Gabapentin is yseless for anxiety and panic but was all I could get and only a month. She seems to even frown upin antihistamines for anxiety. Ridiculous to have my quality of life decreased due to the bias of one person. Should have kept the domineeering NP who decided I would quit smoking and co.on blood pressure meds for anxiety. None of which did anything but make my anxiety worse.

Starting to feel smothered and trapped because my kid never feels well enough for school. It is icky but you gotta tough many things out. In my case,life itself. Part of why I have been absent from here is this physical thing. The numbmess continues to.plague me and the liss of sensation in fingers makes it typing soo difficultt. It is soul crushing. And this rarely proper function app.sucks. But I battle on,even if my only true happiness,9 months running,is sleep.

Ninjas

I read a blog…and got smacked with ninja anxiety and mood crash. This woman lives in public housing and they do weekly “health and safety” inspections. WEEKLY? I have cone to terns with having to endure occasional inspections. I have even accepted that while not what I want,a little oversight is NEEDED.

But weekly is going to shred my nerves. At one point,I had a psych note requiring the landlord give 24 hours notice before coming inside my safe space. It is that upsetting. I don’t even like friends and family in my safe space without a heads up.

So of course,my brain jumped to the conclusion that the housing I applied for will be the same. Panic ensues. Weekly is insane. Biweekly maybe,but that intrusive level.is truly too much oversight. This is why I have avoided public housing for well,my whole life. I need my safe space to be safe. And having.looked at the 30% income base,I really won’t be saving much on rent. So is it worth the intrusion?

Not that I have much choice. And having no choice is as crushing as overly invasive landlords. Feels like I have no choice in anything. Feeling powerless will not help me beat the depression.

But first,I need this physical stuff resolved

I just want my mental and physical problems gone so I can get a job and be normal. So much more control when you work. And maybe putting in time on a low paying job would build a good reference to a good paying one. Wanting to be in control of my life is not a bad thing.

Stomach is churning. Paranoia is rising. I am going to be dealing with new landlords for the indefinite future. I really need Xanax. At least it kills the paranoia and quashes the panic. Anxiety I can manage. The sirens going iff 24-7 have always been the biggest issue.

At least I bathed today. Someday I hope my mind is well enough to not have to list putting on clean clothes,deodorant,and brushing fangs as a daily goal to ensure I remember. And it would be super great if I could actually feel my fingertips again so I write more than I correct. Anything that messes with me writing is a crippling ailment that MUST be healed.

Unbearable

Another Ben scene last night. All because I asked him to bring the trash out of his room for the tenth time. ONE simple task that would take 20 minutes tops after him promising to do it for a week. Guess I should be grateful it wasn’t an aggressive tantrum. Just 45 minutes of him bawling,he’s so depressed and struggling,the meds don’t help,he doesn’t trust me,I just don’t get it…10 days without any mention of this crippling state yet the mere act of gathering trash suddenly has him going off the deep end? When no mention made as long as I let him have his way. I want to be empathetic but this whole manipulation cycle is old. I think it is time to talk to the nurse about hospitalization since 6 months and 3 meds have not helped him feel better. The way he fights me on it and refuses to tell the np about his crippling symptoms tells me it is not all on the up and up.

It ruined my night,not that my mental state needed help to be gloomy and doomy. Every time zI ask him to do a chore-EVERY time-suddenly he is just faking it,how can I not see it,no wonder he doesn’t confide in me…45 minutes of that drama when getting the trash out would have taken 20 mins tops. The kid is impossible. And that damn counselor has not helped either of us in 6 months. I feel like I have been let down and left to drown all alone.

Worrying about ben trying to hurt himself after the fight kept me up til 2a.m. I was so rattled even the cat making biscuits on me distracted and irked me to a nerve racking degree. Finally zonked only to wake up multiple times in a panic. At 4:50 a.m. after trying to go back to sleep only to be assaulted by my own thoughts,I just got up feeling dejected and hopeless.

And just hurt by the way ben plays me. Screw his accusations ofe being transphobic. My daughter essentially disappeared and left me living with this boy who is self absorbed,cruel,and won’t cooperate an inch. I would find those qualities disturbing in any gender. And when you are constantly mucking up the gender issue by wearing belly shirts snd dresses but expecting us to understand…the kid simply expects too much. Everything I have seen or read about trans is that the issue is long standing and tortured living as the wrong gender. Ben has none of that. Just tgat it is more comfortable to be a boy. Who dresses like a girl. But no commitment to transition because it may not be who he remains. But he is fine using female if it means playing school sports. It does not ring true at all. And if he would just admit that he is so…fluid that it is confusing,but he lays it all on everyone being transphobic…He torments me and I have zero clarity or peace on any front but it is all,always,about him. 12 is not an empathetic age but even psychopaths can fake it. Ben’s affect is just…dead. Even when he is sobbing it rings false because the minute I drop the chore thing..he recovers and is all I love you…

I have been feeling horrible guilt lately about how I played my mom when I was a tween. One day Ben may feel it too.

Almost 6 a.m. I managed a bath. First one in a week. Yeah,gross. This beach ball belly thing just made wrestling a bath seem an insurmountable task. I am frustrated af that basic things are so exhausting. I do understand the struggle ben speaks of. But trying to express empathy infuriates him,says I am making it worse. Nothing I do is right with him.

So begins another long soul sucking day in Armpit. No hope in sight. Just a deafening clock counting down while I battle the housework demons and an uncooperative unkind kid as well as this physical bullshit. I pray every day for one positive thing to keep me holding on yet it never comes. Just treading water.And feeling this way is unbearable.

Garbage

Ben’s psych appt in 3 hours. My stomach is a mess. Anxiety,no doubt. He came home yesterday to announce he got after school detentions for cussing in front of the principal. Thought it was funny and no big deal. Gas is $4 a gallon so costing me 30 miles in trips to fetch him is a big deal to me. I talked to the principal so he can do 1 afterschool detention and 2 lunch.

This kid is gonna be the death of me. Didn’t bathe for a week. Thought he was going to tantrum his way out of it. More screaming at me about how he does not care meds won’t help,he has no future,leave me alone…Then after weeks of pushback,he wants me to tell housing we need to move sooner rather than later. Because yeah,it works like that🙄

I spent 3 hours trying to get to sleep last night. Anxiety,rising panic,sheer overwhelm. At the center of it,my kid and the plethora of negative feelings he sparks in me.

It feels hopeless AF. But I won’t let his toxicity win. I have my own to battle. I am just really tired of having to battle. Life is too short for this shit.

3 a.m. Anxiety Purge

I had a relaxing evening. Had help. Couple of fruity drinks bought with leftover bday money. Fell asleep by 10,tho that was likely the melatonin I took through the day in an effort to dull the panic and sensory overload. Does not help but I need to feel like I am trying something. Nope,not even a nap during the day.

Woke up at 2 a.m. Damn furnace blowing cold air. Not good when it is only 8 degrees out. Got that going right,got a drink,thought I could go right back to sleep. Hahaha. Nooo,my brain is off to the races over moving and my kid’s issues and my issues. And my.issues are getting irksome. Something is physically going on and I think it is messing with my mental stuff. And ha,Medicare/Medicaid probably covers none of it.

So now my sinus drainage has returned,my gut is in knots which is borderline painful,and my mind goes round and round on what I am going to do with all this JUNK. None of it is even worth donating and even then you have to have a place to take it. Anything we find in town in our price range is going tp be 1/4 this size so literally CAN’T take much. My bed is fucked,stuffing coming.out of the box spring,springs poking out of the mattress. But what do I do with the junk? Dad is already on my ass about leaving nothing behind “for the landlord”. Hell,let them bill me if they can haul the junk away.

Cart before the horse. Gotta have a place to go first.

I need to sleep,this is not helpful. Thought loops never are. Worry is eating me alive but the sense of being done with this place,this town,that is a happy place. Plus side,Ben took the news well,was on the new school’s website checking it out.

A new start cannot happen fast enough for me. Think this locale has about done us both in. Ready to move forward. I am practically giddy at the possibility of having a shower,using a toilet that doesn’t wobble,maybe being comfortable during weather extremes with central air…Popping out for something at the store without a 25 mile drive…

As messed up as it all is now,I am seeing better days ahead. That feels good.

I just gotta survive who knows how many days and nights of this anxiety.

Panic So Manic Part 2

Been an hour. No reply to my text to landlordy person.

I am a basketcase. Unfocused,shaky,gut issues,nausea…

Normal person: omg,the house is nasty,they are going to want to show it. I have GOT to get busy cleaning.

Me: I cannot move from my safe spot. Must stay glued to the phone. Feeling even more overwhelmed,I need an answer now,dammit…

I feel dizzy and scared. Now my ear itches,someone is talking about me…wtf,I am not superstitious,that was always my mom’s spiel…

I keep trying to bully myself into action. Not helping.

Panic may not kill you but it sure does fuck you up physically and mentally.

11 am ish

Reply asking to call later to explain🥺😭 So looks like we are going to have to move. I am penniless,with a kid and cats and a ton of stuff with nowhere to go. She did say she understands I have a child in school and does not want me to worry. Hello? Normal people would worry. My basketcase ass is flipping out🤯 Trying to stay calm and get full facts before total meltdown but as overwhelmed as I was,it just got even worse.

One hand,legit reason to leave Armpit and escape my dad.

Other hand,he will be furious that I have no intention of looking for another place here.

Even gas station dude was aghast that I said if we move it will be back to town. Nothing personal. Town might bearable without my dad in it.

Ugh,as much as Ben hates the tougher school curriculum here,leaving the few friends he has is going to send him off the deep end.

Breathe,Niki. Just breathe.

So much for feeling at peace any time soon.

After The Narcissist Discards You

I’ve been up since 3 a.m. No special reason. I woke up and then my kid was up and there was drama that had me texting crisis help. Hahaha,I never even got a reply. It wasn’t really a crisis,just me battling setting boundaries and having absolute anxiety from dealing with a loud hateful child.

More sleep was not going to happen. So I had a very nice,sheerly platonic conversation with a FB friend.I loathe FB messenger but he was low key. No coming onto me. We talked weather,junky cars,comic based movies. Just a pleasant exchange that helped me change mindspace and calm down.

And then reality. My front tire is low again so my brother msgd me on IG and said to call dad about getting it fixed. And one sentence in my dad is “You should try working out in this cold like I did the last two days.” And it grated on.my nerves but I mumbled my usual noncommittal responses while reminding myself you can’t change people.

That was a toxic 10 minutes. Followed by a stop by to SCREAM at me for not noticing tire was almost flat. Honestly I was watching it for 3 weeks,it seemed ok. Haven’t been.out cos ya know,0 degrees but I’m stupid,if I drove an 18 wheeler like him I’d gave 13 flats and not notice. In a fucking mood old man? He was screaming at my brother before me. On what planet is this acceptable behavior fron a 75 year old adult? Yet he judges me? And my kid thinks I am too harsh. I don’t call him stupid,ever. I try breaking that cycle,not that Ben will ever acknowledge any good I do.

And then scumbag brain saw an article about narcissists and off we went. Tears. Asking why. Groaning I don’t understand. My god,some of it word for word was exactly how it went with P. I am having a hard time grasping that my cynical ass fell for it. And fell hard. I am still looking for ways to “deserve” the treatment so he remains a good guy.

I am not pining. I am processing. Mourning. Trying to understand why I fell victim. I accept that it happened. I am moving on. And unlike after every failed relationship,I am actually not disconnecting. I am trying even harder to connect and reconnect. I feel stupid and flawed but not to the extent I deserve to rot in lonely isolation. My motives were pure,my feelings born of affection and a desire to be better and show love. I can’t let him rob me of these things entirely. It was a beautiful lie. 4 months of daily contact. So no,I don’t think 3 weeks “grieving” is being ridiculous. After all,I am less grieving the person and more kissing goodbye some pretty awesome memories. Fake but still real for me.

This is how I process. The fact I am still putting myself out there,risking a repeat,says all the healthy mumbo jumbo therapists spew. And doing it alone. Because once the alarm bells started going off,I was holding my breath and speaking very little of it. My gut knew. Yet my heart hoped the gut was wrong.

God,just saying this is setting off panic bells. Racing heart,labored breathing.

In spite of feeling utterly foolish for the intimate things I shared with him…no regrets. Little does he know he only made me stronger.

I am going to be an even better woman for someone else thanks to him.

So I did an Irish Spring sponge bath and put on clean clothes. Not sure what next but for now…a little tear stained. A lot anxious thanks to my kid and my dad. But I am here. After a Ben induced meltdown yesterday sent me to crisis call,I made a counseling appointment. I am trying to do better.

But I’d still just like a good cry. Just not sure if I would be able to stop. Narcissist,fake,mindgame or whatnot…I was in it for real. It should hurt. I don’t want to shut down and isolate like I always do. So maybe I just give myself more time to feel stuff.

Make no mistake,though. I’m not destroyed,I am not pining,and I am not giving up.

Fuck him and fuck that.

Purr Therapy

(Despite REALLY needing to pee) I am covered in fluffy warm kittens and feel content mentally. Cat people will understand that your misery MUST be brutal to wake sleeping cats and until it is,well,your bladder can wait😜

I bathed today. Put on clean clothes. Scooped litter boxes. Took out trash. Ran an errand. Cooked cheeseburgers. Considering my bloating belly issue and paranoid anxiety for 10 plus hours,I am going to call it a goals met day. I even remembered to call my mom for her bday and she answered for once.

Check out her cake🤣🤣🤣

We are entering a cold snap in single digits for several days so totally basking in all this kitten warmth.

And having said that,the traitors bailed on me🤣 NOW I can go pee. Priorities.

I think one of the most mentally healthy things I taught myself to do is stop chasing this notion of ‘happy’. It’s self defeating and breaks your heart. Instead,I seek contentment. So even on the most absolute shit days,I can feel some semblance of happiness. Be it warm kittens or a good burger,contentment can be felt. And in a black depression,that passes for happy.

I did that. Despite my borderline issues,bipolar,depression,anxiety,and darkness…I taught myself a crucial coping skill.

As long as we’re learning and growing,our mental shit is just a stumbling block,not some statement about being a lost cause.