Freeze!

Much discussion has taken place as far as bipolar depression and anxiety disorder. Fight or flight are legit responses when mid panic. However,there is a third reaction that rarely gets mentioned. I am talking about “deer in the headlights with speeding car coming at you but the deer just remains rooted in place.”

THIS “freeze” state is very real for many of us. It can be debilitating. It can cost you friends or jobs. Few people grasp mental illness enough to think freeze is just “another excuse to avoid doing what you need to do”.

For years,I only focused on fight or flight. The shrinks never touched on freeze aspect. This lead to instability in jobs and relationships. It robbed me of the joy of listening to music as my sensory overload was at fever pitch. People giving a gentle shove and “get over it” made it worse.

Now the other kind of freeze,usually stemming from depression. My house is biohazard 4. I try to break it down in smaller tasks but then ADD brain sees something shiny and onto the next task. Nothing really gets finished with this. You face it. You remind yourself you will feel better after a shower or completion of a task. Problem for me is,the reward center of my brain just does nothing. Things I once enjoyed are now more chore than happy fun ball time.

So despite wandering for 10 minutes see what little chores I might tackle…I saw it all and got so overwhelmed I returned to the safety.of my recliner. I do this multiple times a day. I never start out with a “fuck this” mentality. I am trying so hard to get the fuck out of the oncoming headlights. I cannot move an inch. The feelings of cowardice,self loathing,and self disgust will haunt and cripple me for days,weeks to come.

Freeze is very real. Very debilitating. Very embarrassing. All I can do is survive. Which means radical acceptance of that which plagues me. Not good with the acceptance thing but I am trying. At this point,I would lick a hallucinogenic toad to escape my current mental state.

If you run the gamut of fight,flight,freeze and need a friend,I am here.

I guess I was going to jot a lil down about A.D.D but this post is much longer than I intended. Another time. I am riding out the current freeze but it is bloody exhausting. I try so hard to identify triggerd and-

OMGODLOOKATTHATADORABLEBUNNYOUTSIDE!

This is my reality. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.