In A Bad Way

Yesterday was trash. I was trash. Ben had his morning bawl in the chair slumped over, “I just can’t do it,I can’t go to school.” Over and over I used the assertive voice. I took the phone,took away a trick or treat night…and still he persisted in moaning incessantly,”I can’t!” He refused to change clothes. Bus time neared. His fit continued. I gave up and called him in.

Then seethed the whole day about his manipulation. About how powerless I am because I cannot physically force a 5’6,138 pound human into clean clothes and onto a bus.l yet I am expected to “make” him go to school. I keep trying to impress upon him the truancy laws could land me in jail,I do not force him to to go to school cos these battles are fun. Like talking to a wall. The only empathy he feels is for himself. Maybe typical for 13 but it has been a Ben trait since 4,5 years old. And that terrifies me. No empathy does not make for a decent human being. We ended up in a fight where I expressed my anger,albeit calmly. He screamed and made me out to be a lousy parent. Which sent me into a quiet,depressive state. And like a lousy parrnt,I kept nodding off all evening. 4:45 am wake ups and 3 hrs sleep explain it but the kid does not care.

Ended up sleeping off and on then woke ay 11:30. Ben was in bed asleep. So began almost 4 hours of shivering cold and blankly watching TV,trying to get Olivia Pope’s problems to drown out my Bad Thougjts. Oh they came at me hard,along with dread about Monday’s school firing squad where they gang up to tell me my kid is a suicidal mess who doesn’t put forth effort. Yet during her days at alt school,he did the work. Without a packedbus of bullies,without classrooms and halls full of bullies…he focused better and only had 2 meltdowns. (Alt prcpl literally sent me a 3 page report of Ben’s days there,broken down in 15 min increments.)

But yeah,situational stress but this depressive bad thought stuff is seasonal affective. I forced myself to Walmart today to get a covered cat box. It was like walking uphill in molasses and the only lidded boxes they had were $34. Fuck that. Easier to order online. They didn’t have the thermal shirts I wanted. Got stuck in a line for 20 minutes but all the self check out were full too. I wanted to scream but forced myself to smile in hopes I might start to feel it. No doubt I looked like the Joker on meth. Then a trio home,feeling the car might fall apart. After yesterday when my distraction nearly caused a wreck…going out is misery and fear. I came home and did dishes,swept for the 100th time. Tried hooming up

Thing is,the journal they read was from last year. He gets assessed for this every week by a licensed counselor. He sees a psych nurse every 6 weeks. I am inclined to favor their CURRENT assessments over past rantings made in a notebook they had no right to read. They actually made copies of his journal to pass around. They oushily encouraged me to read a copy. Well,my cslr as we as Ben’s were shocked the school read the journal without cause,so it is not me having some rebellious attitude. They crossed a line and now all the trust built is destroyed. They made a bad situation worse. Ben does not want me reading it because too many people already have. And I am inclined to respect that wish simply because the school did betray him. I won’t. Now if time comes Ben wants to read it and talk,I will be here. I know I am supposed to be thankful they care so much but bottom line…I find it intrusive and unhelpful. They ruined the trust I built w Ben over a year. They did not need to “help” in that manner.

I am in a bad way,mentally. Supposed to go to a wedding tomorrow but after nearly causing a wreck yday w my distraction…going out feels unsafe. I don’t know if I can do it. And so there is where Ben gets it. Difference is,99% of the time I do it anyway. I TRY. Even when my thoughts ar


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