I Don’t Want To Be Here Anymore
Yes,the black depression is talking. But thing is,it is telling the truth. I don’t want to be here anymore. Not here,not there,not anywhere. It is all an exercise in futility. And it isn’t even self pity seeking outside validation to convince me I really do want to be here.
The world is ugly. People are vile. And living with mental illness in such a world is like the death of your soul every minute of every day.
I don’t know how to just entirely give up,though. I just keep zombie shuffling along trying to maintain survival mode in hopes…I will feel better. I have never been this low before. So I cannot honestly tell myself it will all work out. You have to have a will to live,not just a stubborn streak to survive. I don’t know if I will come out of this.
Maybe the scary part is I just don’t care. Something has been wrong with my body 2 years now but I get brushed off when their standard tests show nothing. To my sick.mind this is just confirmation I am probably dying of a terminal illness. So nothing matters. I am dead already,my body is too stupid to just keel over already.
I know I sound wacko. I just needed to vent. The horrors of life persist and so do I. Survival mode above all else even when convinced survival is pointless.
To those morons who say seasonal depression is mild…I hate you with the heat of a thousand suns. This is paralyzing. Nothing mild about having no will to live.
I guess spite and stubbornness as motivation count for something.
Take a Ride on My Mood Swing 
February 19, 2024 at 4:32 am
I hear you. Love your honesty. I was in survival mode some months back. The heat wasn’t working for a couple of cold days and nights. I found that using gold colored lightbulbs instead of white, made it easier to tolerate the cold. Also just trimming my overgrown fingernails that were nagging at me brought so much relief. Do what you can to get through these difficult days knowing that better ones are ahead.
February 19, 2024 at 4:34 am
When I read a post like this I never know what to say. Words really won’t make much difference. But just know I have followed your blog for a long time. I wish better days for you. I pray your depression lifts.