Gone Under

The house is filthy even for me. I live in terror of inspection,checking the mailbox multiple times a day for the usual 48 hour or less notice. I have allowed my so many things to accumulatw over months now the hall and my room are barely negotiable. Dishes and laundry need done. It took all my energy to get dressed properly and most of it was the cold windy day and being frozen. Broken sleep yet again. Battling stomach issues from hell. I went from discomfort to “the fix” putting me in actual pain,some of it also stress induced. I want to kick my own ass and am berating myself for being so weak as to get done in by housework. That just makes it worse. And to boot I am anxious and paranoid for no real.reason. Living off of a stash of 4 emergency Xanax because I can’t seem to make the 30 minute trip to get my refills. I dodged my dad’s calls all weekend. I am also terrified to reply to my messenger cos it is no doubt about a FB group and something I shouldn’t have done cos they never contact me otherwise.

I am gone under. Buried alive would be an upgrade. And the solution to some of it seems so simple. Go on a marathon cleaning spree and fix it,ffs,you weak ass whiner. If only mental illness were so easily trumped by logic and desire to do better.

I feel frozen to my safe space. Chair,living room,familiar show on TV as safe background noise. Hoping my stomach settles soon tho it shows no sigm of it. I wish for a nap. A brain reboot so things might seem less overwhelming. But alas,my brain rejects even assistance from the last of my melatonin. Just a couple of weeks ago I was still under but coping better. Overnight I went down a razor blade lines rabbit hole. I fucking hate this.

I don’t see the NP til Jan 25,soonest they could get me in but at least I have refills. Ptovided they bothered to call them in,the practice has become a mess sincemy actual psych retired and nurse practitioner telepsych was forced on me as only option. Still battling my kid to the extent I have given up and save the fight only for drastic self endangering things.

Weeks no post then absolute despair. Merry fucking Christmas from scumbag brain. My silly ass still wishes on stars. Lately all I have wished for is some relief from my mental illness. It is that bad. But I survive another day so that has to count for something. I hope.