Sunshine And Fear

It is only 24 degrees out but for the first time in 7 days running…the sun is out. I CANNOT grasp just how much difference mere sunlight has on my mood and perception of body temperature. I was freezing earlier despite indoor heat. 14 degrees is cold even w sun. I had to drive to my sister’s to fetch my kid froma sleepover. Now at 1:30 pm I can sit outside 5 minutes to soak up sun for my seasonal and not be violently shivering. As much as I cursed weeks of endless sun during summer…I recognize how crucial it is for my mental state.

Also harming my mental state…my kid. All was calm til I said no to a septum piercing. He exploded. Saidhe wanted to smash a lamp over my head til I died. And I am alwaus waiting for a knock signaling the neighbors calles the cops w noise complaint. This is however the second time he has made the lamp threat and I am starting to fear for my safety. Sadly,until he actually attacks me,I can do nothing. I have told both psych nurse and counselor about his explosions. Nothing. No support,no help. Not even validation in as “that must be hard”. My counselor recognizes it as problematic,so why don’t they? Do I need to be dead before something is done about this child? And now he is malong up stuff about me being a drunk and trying to strangle him. One time he lashed out at me then tried hurting himself and I held his arms against the wall to protect us both. Truth doesn’t matter. I am exhausted and fed up. And stuck.

They are calling for negative temps and snow this week so holiday thing has me nervous. Not to mention 2 weeks of abored hostile kid trapped at home. I am honestly filled w dread and a little scared. And all alone. I have never felt so alone and so sanity challenged. Ever. I am terrified.

Panxiety Blues

I had a good snap where the anxiety was managable. I took 3 Xanax in a 7 day span,even though script allows 0.5mg twice a day. I boasted to my counselor about it and sounds to me like she is one of *those* who think a days long good stretch means you are on your way to being cured. Hardly. That very day the panic and paranoia crept up on me like a band of ninjas attacking from all directions. PANXIETY.

The last 4 days have been Panxietypalooza. I hate it. I am frozen like a deer in headlights,unable to organize my thoughts in a productive way. Struggling against irrational fears that FEEL real down to my bone marrow. Fighting back paralyzing fear and “what did I fuck up now” self doubt. Just a brief trip out to take home Ben’s visting friend was a chore. I won’t even go into how his presence in my safe space made my equlibrium off kilter. And H is sooo polite so it is not him. This is my neurotic bullshit.

Movie night was ok last night. Ben started fussing about being tired at 8:30 and his sad sack pouting brought us all down. I didn’t stay for a 2nd movie as planned. Then we get home and thve kid is revived,talking on the phone,up til after 1am hyper af. Sooo manipulative. Plays me like a fiddle. So sick of him being puppetmaster and these so called professionals telling me to be consistent with discipline but not punitive. Wtf does that even mean? Useless. Made me more confused than no counseling. I have to give boundaries and consequences but cannot take his phone as it is his tether to his peer support system so it is punitive..does not leave me much parental authority.

So to get some bloat relief I took a lax and have been in crampy mad dash to bathroom mode all day. In pain,embarrassed,uncomfortable. Accomplished nothing and I am falling back on bad patterns where stuff piles up. I am trying to be kind to myself. With my physical stuff,I truly am not in good shape so it isn’t some lazy malingering thing. It will all get done. Eventually. Maybe soon I will have ADHD meds and my brain will get organized instead of being a chaotic baffling junk drawer. See dr Thurs I think. Hate to swap Xanax but she made it clear it was her pokicy. Man,it sliws my mind and gives me clarity. Losing that just sucks. Hopefully an ADHD med will do something positive. I am exhausted by the chaos of my own mind.