Drained…Again

Today sucked. Dad showed up at 9am pounding on the door,cussing and hollering about stuff in the shed. Yes,AGAIN. And my idgit brother parroting everything dad said made me want to gag,I hate ass kissers. To my credit,I asserted myself calmly and it seemed to take some of the wind out of his sails. Then.he called a little later. Every fiber of my being wants to scream LEAVE ME ALONE.

Ben had a blow up because I chastised him for a “joking” email he sent school guidance counselor. The guy called me,breaking confidentiality,because he was worried about Ben self harming. Don’t know how “I have been summoned” leads to self harm but nice he cares. Ben just cannot get it through his head that counselors and principals are NOT hid friends,they are adults and emailing then constantly is not appropriate. He got mad and blew up on me,as usual. But then S called to go swimming and Ben was done talking to me. I swear the kud’s family has spent $50 in a month taking my kid along. Guess it is good they have it to spare but I am very uncomfortable with him using people for what they can give or do for him. Maybe I misconstrue it,Idk.

I am in.pain tonight. Worse than usual,belly and back. NP office finally called. Other than low potassium,they can find nothing wrong. They failed to call in the supplement script. No follow up requested. Done. No answers. Unfuckingbelievable. I KNOW something is wrong,damn it. Making me question my reality is pissing me off. Not everything shows up on tests. Try doing your fucking job and figure it out. I had so hoped to be wrong about seeing docs. I wasn’t cynical enough and the apathy and dismissal knocked me on my ass.

Dad and crew showed up unannounced to mow. I was napping and my brother started banging on the door and hollering then just came on in. So I dragged ass and mowed the usual spots…only for dad to remow it. Why demand I mow if you just want to do it yourself.

No good news on money for the move. I am freaking out. No deposit returned. One place simply does not do rent or deposit assistance. The other place usually only helps after you get an eviction.motice for being behind on rent. I.left a message,we will see. Oh,and I had to kill the fundraiser because gofundme’s new payment processor won’t allow me to link my prepaid account.

The only thing I accomplished today was taking a bath. Well,basics like clean clothes,etc. I am hurting and absolutely drained. I took my lumps and then some this week. And it does not look like things will improve any time soon. At least I should have a quiet weekend at home. If I am still hurting this way Sunday,I may go back to the ER. It really is that bad. And not being believed makes it even worse.

Ninjas

I read a blog…and got smacked with ninja anxiety and mood crash. This woman lives in public housing and they do weekly “health and safety” inspections. WEEKLY? I have cone to terns with having to endure occasional inspections. I have even accepted that while not what I want,a little oversight is NEEDED.

But weekly is going to shred my nerves. At one point,I had a psych note requiring the landlord give 24 hours notice before coming inside my safe space. It is that upsetting. I don’t even like friends and family in my safe space without a heads up.

So of course,my brain jumped to the conclusion that the housing I applied for will be the same. Panic ensues. Weekly is insane. Biweekly maybe,but that intrusive level.is truly too much oversight. This is why I have avoided public housing for well,my whole life. I need my safe space to be safe. And having.looked at the 30% income base,I really won’t be saving much on rent. So is it worth the intrusion?

Not that I have much choice. And having no choice is as crushing as overly invasive landlords. Feels like I have no choice in anything. Feeling powerless will not help me beat the depression.

But first,I need this physical stuff resolved

I just want my mental and physical problems gone so I can get a job and be normal. So much more control when you work. And maybe putting in time on a low paying job would build a good reference to a good paying one. Wanting to be in control of my life is not a bad thing.

Stomach is churning. Paranoia is rising. I am going to be dealing with new landlords for the indefinite future. I really need Xanax. At least it kills the paranoia and quashes the panic. Anxiety I can manage. The sirens going iff 24-7 have always been the biggest issue.

At least I bathed today. Someday I hope my mind is well enough to not have to list putting on clean clothes,deodorant,and brushing fangs as a daily goal to ensure I remember. And it would be super great if I could actually feel my fingertips again so I write more than I correct. Anything that messes with me writing is a crippling ailment that MUST be healed.

Why Am I Still Alive…

Up since 3am. Not lead to a great mental space. Because it isn’t merely a ‘bad mood’. It is all encompassing,this darkness and overwhelm and lack of hope.

I am bumbling through in my physical discomfort. Washed bedding and some clothes. Remade bed. Folded 2 baskets. Did dishes twice,after cooking a meal that just tasted wrong. Did cat boxes. Took out trash. Emptied 6000 emails from inbox. Made a feeble attempt to nap but no go. I am on my 6th show,just trying for distraction. Nothing is working. Mind just isn’t in it.

I am just ready to quit. Trying isn’t good enough. I cannot make changes in my situation without a cent to my name and nowhere to move. I am trying to clean but my best isn’t good enough. Physically,working here and there is all I can manage. I am trying so hard even if to others it looks otherwise.

I need ONE good break. My kingdom for a good samaritan to gift us moving money. Just cannot believe there are like zero assistant options. I am disabled with a child being forced to move. Help should be available. Even a payback program would be better than nothing. And yeah,I got no problem repaying any help we would get. Bad credit means a loan ain’t happening. And I don’t really get it because the bankruptcy was in 1996 and I paid off past debts and am current on all else. I should be rebuilding,not still getting punished.

Ugh. Makes my head hurt. I am so defeated and down on myself I just want to cease to exist. The world talks second chances but never lets you escape your past or mistakes.

I wish my family was normal so maybe I could catch a break and sofa surf a couple months. I pay. But no,they gotta have the bum parade.

I wish I could find someone with a bigger house who would take us in in exchange for half the bills. I am so worn down from it all being on my shoulders. And money problems have been on me since I was 10 years old and my parents raided my savings to buy my first pair of glasses. They thought 10 was old enough to learn all about money problems. 39 years of it and I just…want sone help. I want to breathe. To sleep at night.

No happy ending ever happens for me,though. Seems endless struggle with zero security is in my dna.

Panic Highjacking

Severity of our situation has put me into panic mode. No logical thought. Total highjacking. Heart is pounding,dizziness,racing thoughts…I want to DO something that IS in my control but I am frozen stiff. This holding pattern is worse than homelessness. Not that that is desired. I just cannot live in limbo comfortably.

And my ‘control’ over things is a catch 22. Lots of rain coming so cannot count on setting stuff out in hopes someone takes it off my hands. And dad is ocd about mowing so no sooner than I set stuff put he will want to mow and then the village will complain if I set stuff out. Piling it in the she’d for city wide clean up is also iffy cos dumpsters fill fast and I need pick up for hauling which puts me dependent on my dad…

Omg,nothing can be clear. It all has ti be a muddled confusing mess. And not knowing space we will have in a new place makes it hard to determine what to keep. And the cats have shredded my box spring so moving that is going to be humiliating and messy. And the back up income based place the counselor was pushing but no pets…

And what if housing did call…I literally have not a cent to my name. No.money,we lose our spot. Wtf am I supposed to do? I have a child,ffs. How is there zero help available for situations like this? Omg,I am melting down. And a little bitter that I don’t even have enough friends or social media presence where someone would arrange a fundraiser…then I hate myself for thinking that way and for being so awful no one wants to be my friend…

I am freaking out thoroughly. 70 days. Wtf I going to do? And I gotta mask for my kid’s sake cos he needs to feel safe,like I have this and all will be ok. Nothing is ok. I do not have this. I have zero options,zero support,zero help…

Faith is hard to have when your entire mind and body are on red alert,fight,flight,freeze.

I am frozen. And screaming inwardly at myself to grow up,toughen up,and MAKE it work cos I am a paren’t and don’t have the luxury of being a basketcase.

I need clarity. I have only catch 22s,confusion,and terror that I am going to fail my child. And nothing is more frightening than that.

Impossible

It is 3 a.m. and I am awake,in a dead panic because I am in an impossible situation. Stuck here with 50 cents to my name. No gas in the car. Month 4 of a $300 monthly heat bill. 3 months to get a place to live but no way to save money and pay current. No assistance whatsoever available.

I don’t want to screw anyone over,especially myself. God,I just want out. My dad was actually telling me I have too much trash for them to haul off and it makes them look bad and my cheap trash bags are awful. I can literally do no right with that man

I need a miracle,I cannot keep living in this state of terror.

Never Enough

On overload,as usual these days. And a call then visit from my father has me feeling like my best is never enough. No matter how much I do…never enough.

Today,I was out the door before 8 a.m. so my kid could get breakfast before school. Came home. Worked up to clean clothes. Went to town mid panic attack and feeling unsafe. Walmart,Dollar Tree,Aldi,Family Dollar. Brief visit with mom and sis. Home. Carried it all in.

Did cat boxes. Did dishes. Swept. Washed,dried and folded a load of laundry. Did lots of self care app work.

Honestly,I did A LOT today. It just feels…not enough. And dad constantly asking if I have heard from housing or have a line on a new place every time we talk is just making it so much worse. They said 4-6 weeks for a reply. It has been 3 weeks.

Ran into landlordy lady today. This place sold,with 2 other properties but they put in the July 1rst out date in the contract. Now I live in fear of this person showing up wanting to nose around. The stress never stops coming.

One of our cats clawed out through the AC accordion part and not seen her since. That worries me. As does rehoming these fosters. Dad hasn’t even offered to help and I cannot even afford gas for all our appointments so…more stress. He likes being in our business and critiquing but forget being helpful or even positive.

My anxiety is to the point I have developed a twitch in my left eye.

Not even TV is helping get me out of this dreadful mental space.

Movement just results in back pain and random ovary stabs.

Breathing exercises make me more anxious. Science says the opposite so I gotta question myself. Must mean I am doing it wrong. One size must fit all.

I look forward to bed. My brain is exhausting.

Second Trip

Efforts to nap failed and I realized I forgot Ben’s Prozac…so made an impromptu second trip to town. Gas over $4 and it takes a gallon and a half so getting it all in one trip would have been better. Sometimes you just gotta regroup. Sucks it costs money.

Went to Hellmart. They closed the grocery doors so had to drive around,park in Cambodia,then walk the whole bloody store to get some food. Then got the sloooowest cashier. Then a line in the pharmacy drive thru.

Came home. Bags busted. The damn front door is broken again courtesy of my kid refusing to pull it closed so the wind bent it. Gotta close it hard. Storm glass slammed down on top and bottom,so now I have that to fret over.

Principal wants to reschedule that appt about Ben next Thurs. More gas money. And I already gotta take Ben to counseling Monday,then do my phone thing with her Thurs morning. Like I can never tend to myself because I have all these appts. I can’t save a penny to get my car renewal sticker cos all the gas costs. We were invited to a bday party Sunday at mom’s,some friend daughter’s baby’s bday but $6.75 a trip to town? I am drowning here.

It feels so pointless. And then I think of the Ukraine and self loathing flares because,dammit,those are real problems.

Drowning.

Something Good

Rough time getting to sleep last night. Was near 1 a.m. when my brain finally succumbed to sleep. Didn’t wake up til the alarm went off. Not been the norm but ok.

Got a reminder text from the power company about the bill being due Monday. Surprisingly,the amount was very small. I I opened the paper bill I was too afraid to face and seems my energy grant was more than I was told.

To say it was a relief is an understatement. Panic lessened a bit. Still money problems but this is a good thing. Provided it is not a mistake. I can never quite trust good things.

My kid was in a good mood today. Even referred to self as ‘your daughter’ and ‘she’. It isn’t transphobic to simply want clarity. I feel like maybe it’s not as cut and dry as Ben makes it out to be. Either way,I love my kid and the child was happy and laughing so never mind gender. Happy kid is the goal.

In celebration of my good power bill news,I turned the furnace up to 70. 66 was too damn cold. It isn’t bad out yet but it is starting. Worries me to think the buses will travel during its worst.

For this moment…I will take my good thing and just be. Almost hoping counselor D forgot our appt. I really do not enjoy the chats. Her ego has her thinking my kid trusts her but um,not really. 30 years experience,think she would recognize being played. Then again,I gotta own The Incident and how I got played. Least I had the paranoia to not feel things were entirely kosher.

Unfortunately,I feel that for everything.

Just…Breathe

In spite of way too much melatonin and benadryl…my mind is racing and my panic is skyrocketing. How do I keep the heat and power turned on another month…What if housing rejects our application(providing I work past my panic enough to fill out the paperwork then make it to the meet). What if the psych np wants to hospitalize my kid against counselor D’s recommendation…Did I get my phone appt with D wrong again since I got no reminder call or do I wait by the phone at 9 a.m. tomorrow…And WHEN the hell would be a good time to get myself to a dr since I gotta juggle all this other stuff and have a place for my kid and not miss appts in case I need hospitalized cos yeah,2022 is a bigger shit show than 2020 and 2021 combined so it would be my luck…

JUST…BREATHE…

Except breathing with my Finch app actually makes me more anxious and,haha,harder to breathe with all the counting and in thru nose,hold,out thru mouth and counting…

Nothing is calming me. I really need a break from my own mind right now via sleep. But breathing,counting,radical acceptance-nothing is working. And it is maddening because there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about any of my problems at 10 o’ clock at night. It’s not my fault. It is just after business hours. All I CAN do is sleep and face it all again tomorrow.

It sucks that mental illness does not respond to logic.

Going to be a long night.

Cold and Panicky

This day is dragging on. I cannot get warm. Perpetual shivering is a huge distraction in addition to discomfort. And while I cleaned cat boxes and saw a load of laundry through putting away…I just feel stuck.

My brain is rampaging. Worrying about my appt with public housing. They have such high standards,oddly. And even tho we lived there 8 years,the trailer park slumlord will not give a good reference. He never gave anyone a good reference. How do I handle that?

My heart is pounding. I feel terror. This is literally our ONLY option. Even a brief stay with family is out because they have no room. Even with a great current reference,there is a good chance of rejection. Omg omg omg,what am I going to do,my kid has to have a home…

These panic episodes are debilitating and only increasing. It exhausts me mentally and physically. And not being able to feel warm is driving me nuts. Behave,brain!

Starting to wonder if frustration can kill you.