Archive for mental illness

Relief!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on December 19, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

I know a couple people asked about my disability review. I got the letter today saying they do not need to review me at this time. Wonder if the 10 pages of journal pages convinced them I am not malingering. Anyway,it may be a brief respite as they can do it any time but this is one less worry on my plate. Thank you,Santa,and Social Security.

Chair

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on November 19, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

I am having a BAD mental health day. High rampant anxiety and paranoia have me glued to my safe space,my chair. It has been this way for as long as I can remember,me having a safe space be it living room recliner or sofa or bed. Leaving it worsens the bad juju and Bad Tboughts. Thete was NO trigger. It just appeared. Here I m,now question your sanity and reality. Yes,I am even wavering on what is real. It could all be a vivid dream paralysis. Idk. It is disturbing.

So I am sticking to my safe space as much as I can. The anxiety just keeps worsening. The feelings of doom and despair hammer at my mind. No trigger. You can move. You can improve your situation. But you cannot escape mental illness. Or my mystery physical illness. I feel doomed and every fiber of my being wants to give up. Fighting it has drained me. Pretending to be normal is exhausting. So…chair it is. And hopefully tomorrow the mental lamdscape will improve. Today is a wash. Pure survival mode as mymind starts a list of ways to end it all. Don’t panic,there is no intent to harm myself. The thoughts are there and voicing them sort of helps. Now I have gone on record,sort of,with how bad my mental health currently is. It passes,returns,passes,returns. Lather,rinse,repeat. Lather,rinse,repeat. Great time to be under disability review,my livelihood in the hands of paper pushets who have no idea how bad mental illness is. Is it any wonder I have do much trouble staying ssleep and my stomach hurts? Survival mode indeed.

You Don’t Seem Depressed…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on September 17, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Left Alone…

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on September 17, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Vibes And Tribes

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 26, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Just read a post called “your vibe attracts your tribe”.

I have no tribe. Now that threat of homelessness has passed…the friends I thought I had have not even emailed to check on me. I thought they cared. And I am not being too needy. To go from talking every other day to 5,6,7 days without even a blog like…

My vibe must really suck if that is my fair weather tribe. I guess I should drain myself further spewing sunshine and pretending the move and med changed fixed it all and I am happiness and light. Guess then my tribe would be loyal and involved. And it makes me want to throw up. They are RUDE to not even check in. Hurtful as hell. But again,must just be me being Debbie Downer. It is so insulting to have my illness become my identity to others. Esp those who struggle with mental health issues too.

Loyalty zero. Sad. When I am well,my vibe is pretty chill and funny. But no one will stand by me to find that out. And it truly is their loss.

Standstill

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 20, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

It’s 12:30 pm ish and I have bern awake 9 hours already. Not for lack of trying to nap. Tried 4 different meditation videos. Melatonin. Breathing exercises Not helping is someone nearby has been pounding and hammering for hours,noise is a trigger.I am just anxious today. No move forward possible since housing is closed for Juneteenth.

Dulcolax finally brought some relief but it is a painful process. My belly muscles still feel strained. I am like an overinflated Michellin man. Feeling it in my pelvis/ovary area now. Will I ever feel right again? Will I ever find the unicorn,a dr who will.listen and care enough to figure out what is going on? I am so sick of talking about it. But it is having an enormous impact on me mentally and physically.

I washed my bedding and remade the bed. Clean clothes (bathed yesterday). Basic hygiene. And of course,mega shitposting on FB. It is mindless but keeps me from being totally focused on all that is wrong. I truly do enjoy the animal/goth pics. I don’t interact much but I am trying to come out of my shell.in small ways.

Just trying to breathe and focus on a fresh start. Lots of sucky problems to sort before I can truly relax but trying not to panic too much. For today,I just have to hang in there. And shut out the voice that sparks my insecurity and self doubt. 5 peaceful dad free days. I need this in.my life. But he still lives in my head a little. I gotta remind myself his version of me is not based on total fact but his own distorted views and values. Opinion is not fact or fate. Especially.not his.

And The Other Shoe Drops

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on June 16, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

I was on edge all day,in cringe mode because trash day,dad blow up time. And he came pounding on the door and started in on us both about the shed. We both acknowledged it was our mistake and we would work it out. He kept cussing and yelling. I tried to placate by staying calm,saying I screwed up,yes,you work hard,I respect that..and he KEPT berating me. Ben got sassy and told him to mind his own business…and the man came unhinged. He shook his fist an.knch from my chin,telling me he should have knocked me on my ass a long time ago cos I have to have everything my way. I commented 4 years of hell here are hardly my way..and that fist came even closer to my chin. Ben protectively hugged me and said leave her alone…so he shook his fiat at the kid and berated him,too,as needing knocked on his ass.

At that point,I said,”You don’t pay our bills,you have no right to talk to us that way. I am done.” Started to close the door. He kicked it back.open,still berating us. Would be funny if it weren’t borderline scary. 75 years old,threatening his daughter and grandchild physically,ssyibg high time I grew up…wtf?

Ben was bawling and shaking for an hour after. Asked tearfully,”Why is Poppy that way?”

Always has been. I got a speeding ticket when I was 16 and he kicked me in the hip with a cowboy boot,was bruised for a week. And I had taken responsibility and paid the ticket already!

Yesterday,the counselor asked me wgat standing up to my dad :would look loke”. I said I would blow up and burn bridges or start sobbing and shaking.

Never occurred to me my dad would raisr his fist to us,honestly thought old age mellowed him. Coming after my kid,though…I stood between them so Ben was not in danger but…

So yeah. The light at the end of the tunbel I wrote about earlier? Oncoming train.

So now I gotta find help to move,rehome my cats,and get rid of 7 rooms of junk with no money or help. Because that us how they are. Piss them off even with the truth,fuck you,kiss their ass.

Plus side…we should have an awesomely quiet weekend.

96 degrees today contributed to the temper flare,no doubt. I just don’t get what he hopes to accomplish bringing up my mistakes from 14 years ago,30 years ago. I OWNED that I make bad choices. (Mental illness has not helped but riight,that isn’t real,just my excuse for being a screw up.) Then harping on the past. And harping.

You just cannot reason with an emotionally immature bully. And after him coming at my child…I would be more than happy to never deal with him again.

A Mother’s Urgent Plea

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on June 13, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Dear God,

All my life,I have been told you never give us more than we can handle. That you will provide. That you love us despite our sins. Faith has been difficult for me. A tiny part of me still clings,needing to believe in something bigger than myself.

I am at a crossroads right now. I need that $800 so we can move and get on better financial ground. I need a sign. Guide me to do what gets this goal accomplished. My mind is sicker than it has ever been and with my physical health iffy, my mind is muddled to options. Please give me strength. Please help me find my way down this path.

I know I am one of those people whose shaky faith causes them to doubt you. I will do better. I just cannot fail my child in this way. That we end up homeless. He already resents me. If I fail him at a basic need for shelter,our relationship may never recover. I am terrified in so many ways.

Please,God. Send me a guardian angel. Send me some guidance. Help me help myself at a tine when I am weak and scared. I am choosing to have faith in you. Please have some faith in my ability to do better.

I’ve Had Enough

Posted in anxiety disorders, panic disorder, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on June 12, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

The anxiety and panic are stifling today. I feel genuine terror that we are losing our fresh start. Over money. Which I would have more of if I could just move. Omgomg,totally freaking that housing will call tomorrow. Wtf was I thinking not having help lined up?

On top of that,my sister put the cancer idea in my head and I am totally devoid of fight. It may as well be a given. I’ve had enough.

I just need divine intervention. A generous person. HELP to save my own life. I don’t think I can fight the bad thoughts if this move falls through. Oh pls,God,at least give me a week before housing calls. Let me see what can be done…

Please,God,HELP ME HELP MYSELF😭🙏🏻🤞🏻

Hell Week Ahead

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 11, 2022 by morgueticiaatoms

Rough night sleeping. And a friend kept texting after 10 pm,getting pissy that I stopped replying. I told him I was not feeling well and he just doesn’t care,tis all about what he wants at that moment. Then he gets busy and won’t text for months. Yet I am the overly sensitive irrational one. I exiled him from my life for months then out of the blue he started texting again. And nothing has changed,but me. I deserve better than this. But atm,I am in short supply for friends so maybe going off on him should wait. That sounds awful. Just saying taking a hard line in my current state would likely just fuel his assertion of me being touchy.

Forecast is predicting 8 straight days in the mid 90s. I will put the AC in the window but I will be fearing that damn power bill. So hell week. Last time it was low 90s for 4 days and I was just miserable. One window unit for 7 rooms…This is going to suck.

Seriously toying with the idea of a trip to the ER today. I am hurting and it isn’t getting better. Not being able to move my bowels,at all,without pharma assistance,is not normal. Why did that NP not want to figure out why? Does she really think there is dignity than publicly discussing bathroom habits with multiple people? Like this somehow enriches my life and boosts my confidence? I know I am altered but this is basic medicine. Belly ache,you examine the belly and nearby organs. Manually,since bloodtests and scans don’t detect everything.

Not just here or me,though. Read a blog about a man taking his wife to the hospital for breathing issues and altered consciousness and she was kept waiting and ignored so long,she just left. People from other countries are horrified by how inadequate American healthcare us. Socialized medicine may come with challenges but it works better than…whatever the US has. Paying only to be ignored is asinine.

So 6:30 am. Started laundry,took out trash. Life feels so pointless. I try and try and cannot get ahead. It is just defeating. I keep going,though. Mainly because my stupid body won’t just die already. Don’t think many can relate to being disappointed to wake up alive every day. I’m not spiteful enough to wish they could understand.