Noise Is Coming Back

Yesterday the mind was quieter. I was able to go to mom’s for game night. I drove after dark. We stayed til 12:30am so I was out of safe space 6 hours. Was it easy? No. At one point everyone was talking,a toddler was playing with a toy doorbell,my sis has radio playing,my kid was blasting Spotify…and sensory overload almost induced a screaming panic attack. I fought it back. Then Ben had one of his episodes,albeit milder than.usual,and I got distracted from one stressor by another…

He didn’t talk to me for 20 straight minutes after calling me a plethora of swear words in front of the family. Them defending me and chastising him made it worse. And then we were home and bam,he wants hugs and banter. Psychological whiplash. He went to bed. I was awake 2.more hours trying to decompress. All that sensory overload took a toll. I am glad I went. I am happy I fought through it. But…

The noise is coming back today. No discernable trigger. If anything a boring Sunday at home should be soothing me. Nope. My mind is galloping with catch 22 thoughts so I accomplish nothing,feel bad for it,then all the potential for bad juju starts in…I am exhausted from never sleeping more than 2 hours at a time but I am absolutely depleted by the sheer random cycles in my conditions. I cannot plan ahead because I never know when the crazy will come stampeding. And yeah,yeah,crazy is a bad word,it is distorted thought but…

Arghhhh. Flustered and frustrated=flustrated. I need a vacation from me.

Quieter Today

My mind is less chaotic today. It started to calm last night once my kid was home and I rode it out. I was truly scared I might have to go to the ER for a psych hold. My thoughts were that distorted and frightening. So glad it calmed down. After dark once the potential for calls and visits died down I was even able to enjoy some music on my Skull Candy xmas headphones. Sleep didn’t come easily or fast. But it was a good day with my kid so I was able to keep fighting through.

I have lil motivation today but…a quietrr mind is a gift. I grateful.

Undertow

The sun is shining. The temp is nearing 40. Beautiful morning. I want with every fiber of my being to feel joy,to appreciate the beauty of the day and the promise it brings.

Depressive undertow is making me struggle by pointing out every minor or major stressor. It is tainting everything. I am fighting it. But what I feel and what I want to feel are 2 very different things. I feel hopeless. My only peace is sleep and more than anything I want to be asleep 24-7.

To the idiot on FB preaching that depression should be embraced as a legitimate state,neither bad nor good,to be worked out sans treatment…I have never wished for anyone to suffer from mental illness. Too cruel even for enemies. For you,though,spewing such idiocy…Walk a mile in my shoes then tell me how normal crushing sadness is.

You Don’t Seem Depressed…

Note To My Doctor And Counselor

I am “fine” because the system leaves me no choice. I’m not considered sick enough for a hospital yet I constantly drop the ball at normal functioning. I am getting by but I am NOT okay.

Just…why

So many bad dreams. Up and down all night. At 5:20 am I gave up and got out of bed. Bad vibes surround me. Trying to fight them. At least my pain is a 2 and more pressure and back strain. I will take any improvement.

There is this part if me that wants to OWN my misery and spring into action,raising the money we need and just kicking ass.

The other part of me is plain exhausted from the perpetual fight to survive. And if I had any ideas on.how to raise the money I would be doing that,not stressing out.

So here I go again,facing down another grueling day. No one knows how much strength that takes.

Scared

Seems all I do lately is sleep. But not healthy hours long sleep. Hour here,half hour there. Ben must get sick of me nodding off randomly before 9pm. I try so hard to tough it out,but being in pain mentally and physically drains me. And the fact all he does is hole up in his room and blow up if I try to interact with him just makes the desire for sleep stronger.

Multiple wake ups all night. 5:10 am I just got up. Pain has moved to my.pelvis and lower back. Now it even hurts to sit up. Lying down seems most comfortable. Cannot go through life like that,though.

I’m scared. In every way. In a panic that housing will call tomorrow and since I don’t have the money,we lose our spot. And I want to cry unfair but that voice in my head points out that I have had 4 months to come up with it. It really isn’t that simple,though. I am scared of what is going on with my body. My sister’s article text got inside my head,now I feel like I have a few weeks at most to live. And since the local incompetents don’t much care,it is feasible that I could end up dying. Maybe not but panic attacks really don’t care about logic. My coffin is already 6 feet under.

The only comfortable position for me now is lying on my back with my head propped up on pillows. My back is hurting that bad when sitting up. All the “get moving,movement will help you with pain and mental issues” irks me since it just makes it worse for me. It is scary to hurt so bad,not know why,and be powerless to do anything about it is soul crushing.49 years of good health did not help me learn to be ill with any grace.

I am so tired of this blog being so negative. No wonder it has no loyal readers and cannot draw new ones. If I were stable And I read it,I would probably be skeptical that anyone could feel that bad,all the time. Not like I want to feel like this. Not like I am not doing all in my power to make my situation better. But it is par for the course,people assuming that you are just a lazy pessimist as opposed to down on.your luck but putting up one hell of a fight to be admired.

So…to my TWO loyal readers…thanks for sticking with me and being supportive. And I appreciate the sporadic on occasion readers,too. But the 2200 plus followers who never read,or click.like or comment…WHY follow a blog you’re not interested in reading? Baffling af.

Going to try to sit up for a bit,lying back all the time makes me feel lazy. I just hurt a lot less flat ony back. I still cannot fathom these med providers not prescribing a laxative or toradol for pain. Guess they just don’t believe I am legit hurting. One more thing for me to be outraged about.

And to lighten up the vibe here,some cuteness.

Gratitude List

Pretty established little has gone right in 2022. Thought I would take a moment to acknowledge the rare times a positive happens.

I “won” a guardiamship on my Finch self care app. “Arby and Ryan” sponsored me and Pasha for one month premium Finch features. Yay,ty ty ty.

An apartment is soon available. Mixed blessing but still a positive.

All my xrays,scans,blood work,and pee tests have shown nothing more serious than a UTI and low potassium. Hollow but I will include it.

After 7 years,I finally got a working HDMI cable and was able to connect my laptop to my TV. Got a little giddy knowing I could now watch Nat Geo’s Titanic:The Final Word on tv. I am a nerd that way. My tv isn’t much bigger than laptop screen but…it is something that finally went right.

Someone donated $20 to our moving fund. I had to refund it since gofundme’s new payment processor does not support prepaid accounts but..still counts.

I am not all complaints,no gratitude. I just process better when things go well so I don’t need to vent as much. Venting doesn’t make me a spoiled brat. It enables me to get out the toxic and operate from a more objective place. No one views it that way,though.

Much has gone very wrong. This post isn’t about that. I am so very grateful for small breaks and things that work out.

Defeated

No answers. No relief. Just referred to hospital for repeat blood and urine tests. AND she said she would call in a cream for another problem I have…6 hours later NOTHING. She did this last time so I had to call to complain then spend gas money for another trip to town…I had high hopes since the practice is affiliated with a university but.I am underwhelmed and aggravated. And the crazy woman jumped to suggesting a colonoscopy rather than first check my female parts that actually hurt. WTF???? If she sticks to that,I am going to get a second opinion.

And wth is wrong with dr and NP when a simple Google search of “numbness with pins and needles” turns up the term neuropathy???? They act like they never heard anyone complain of those symptoms before. Pinched/entrapped nerve came up as one condition causing the symptoms yet not one mention from professionals? Once again,they asked about my mental stuff,I was honest,and after that the tone became different. Preparing myself for the “anxiety and depression can cause many physical symptoms” speech. THEY DO NOT CAUSE HEAD TO TOE NUMBNESS,DAMMIT!!!

I am so defeated. And hurting. And frustrated. I would write more but I just need to zone out. Going to try to enjoy the thunderstorm we are having. I used to love them before all joy left my life Wtf kind of medical professionals think that symptom is no big deal? I am turning my frustration into anger. Because sadly society is more approving and forgiving of anger than it is sadness.

I

Ninjas

I read a blog…and got smacked with ninja anxiety and mood crash. This woman lives in public housing and they do weekly “health and safety” inspections. WEEKLY? I have cone to terns with having to endure occasional inspections. I have even accepted that while not what I want,a little oversight is NEEDED.

But weekly is going to shred my nerves. At one point,I had a psych note requiring the landlord give 24 hours notice before coming inside my safe space. It is that upsetting. I don’t even like friends and family in my safe space without a heads up.

So of course,my brain jumped to the conclusion that the housing I applied for will be the same. Panic ensues. Weekly is insane. Biweekly maybe,but that intrusive level.is truly too much oversight. This is why I have avoided public housing for well,my whole life. I need my safe space to be safe. And having.looked at the 30% income base,I really won’t be saving much on rent. So is it worth the intrusion?

Not that I have much choice. And having no choice is as crushing as overly invasive landlords. Feels like I have no choice in anything. Feeling powerless will not help me beat the depression.

But first,I need this physical stuff resolved

I just want my mental and physical problems gone so I can get a job and be normal. So much more control when you work. And maybe putting in time on a low paying job would build a good reference to a good paying one. Wanting to be in control of my life is not a bad thing.

Stomach is churning. Paranoia is rising. I am going to be dealing with new landlords for the indefinite future. I really need Xanax. At least it kills the paranoia and quashes the panic. Anxiety I can manage. The sirens going iff 24-7 have always been the biggest issue.

At least I bathed today. Someday I hope my mind is well enough to not have to list putting on clean clothes,deodorant,and brushing fangs as a daily goal to ensure I remember. And it would be super great if I could actually feel my fingertips again so I write more than I correct. Anything that messes with me writing is a crippling ailment that MUST be healed.