Equilibrium Upset

It took awhile battling my anxiety,insecurity,and physical issues but…I mowed the yard today. Sans for the side ditches,I just got overheated and woozy and sore. I worked in increments. It took.probably 3 hours but I took lots of breaks. I am exhausted but glad I did it. For all the good it does. All I ever hear are my failings.

So 4 pm,Dad tried to call Ben. My phone eerily silent. He terrified that child,why would he think Bem would flock to him? I figured they were doing their usual snoop across the tracks thing to tsk tskabout my unmowed yard. Or that blade if grass I missed.

And then I hear his pick up out back and some banging around. I figure taking back their mower or junk.hauling that I will have held over my head for decades. I was.like a deer in headlights,panic rising but frozen,praying no contact…when they left I felt my butt cheeks unclench. That is how tense they make me.

So now the bad juju lingers,equilibrium upended. Those 6 days of silence are probably the kindest thing he has done for my mental health in years. Yet I still feel salty. I know why he is ao.pissed. When he kept harping on my.past mistakes,inc California where I met the donor-I brought up his self proclaimed worst mistake. He did not like that,so shit listed I am. It is almost comical what an immature hypocrite he is. But standing there telling my kid he only exists because “your mom fucked up and ended up.homeless in California”. I was homeless 9 hours,drama king. Yes,I didn’t think it through.or plan ahead. But my kid is not a mistake. Damn him for putting such a cruel thought in Ben’s hesd. I never really got over.him telling me he dudn’t want a child yet but mom got pregmant on.purpose and he got screwed over. Kids don’t forget,even as adults.

So yeah. 10 minutes banging around out back and I am a basketcase of fear and insecurity. You get told you cannot do things right iften and long enough,you start to operate from that belief. I.hope one day I recover from the damage 4 years under his thumb has caused.

Awful Mental Health Day

I had a couple of coping well days after my kid’s latest drama. And then today…with no new trigger,no poor coping induced factors(booze,overeating,binge eating junk food)…

Abject sadness and racing poisonous thoughts.

And what scares me most…a fleeting thought of “Omg,I am such a loser,I should just kill myself.” It was 3 seconds most and I shut it the fuck down but I thought it,I felt it. And I hate it. Because I can argue with depression,it fucking lies. But when the thought comes on because you are facing all your failures-you cannot argue with facts.

So I spent the day killing off feelings and thoughts with my meladryl cocktail,yearning desperately to just be asleep. Because all I can do is ride it out. All the bullshit about exercise “helping” changes nothing. I am in a dark place and my goal is survival by any means necessary . Even if it is jyst sleeping through it.

My gut is in knots. My mind continues to race. I am haunted by my own mediocrity. By how flawed I am,how hopeless it seems.

I was managing. Not great but coming to terms with things.

Now I’m fighting for my life in a battle with my own mind.

I just wanna sleep.

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Busy Brain

One of the downsides to rationing Xanax is that my brain gets really busy. Not its normal A.D.D busy. Turbo boosted busy. What ifs, this and that and the other,bad juju,and anxiety for feeling anxiety-it all runs amok.

This is where I find myself today.

One prevalent thought is, am I doing this to myself by choice due to some unconscious need to be unwell? It sounds crazy to me because this mental state is the last thing I want. But I am humble enough to at least entertain alternate explanations. What if I am l not mentally ill but have just settled into some victimhood role?

I reject this as bullshit but the nagging thoughts remain. I mean,all I talk about here is my mental issues,as if my life has no other facets. But it is a mental health blog! It would ve weird,and fraudulent,to classify it as a mental health blog then carry on bubbleheadly about eyeliner or how good looking such and such celebrity is.

I also get paranoid that even for a specified mental health blog,I have alienated readers by being so redundant and such a downer. Likes tell all,right? So if you go from 30 likes a post to 15,maybe people are just sick of hearing about it?

But that is the curse of the like button. You want the commiseration but not the worry of being popular.

I am feeling super aggro. Because I will never get used to anxiety that feels like my skin trying to crawl off my bones.

Maybe I will cut myself a break and halve a xanax. Maybe I will keep trying to tough it out. I am leaning toward the former. Busy brain leads to spin out which makes the anxiety worse.

I am not so good at showing myself kindness,though.