Equilibrium Upset

It took awhile battling my anxiety,insecurity,and physical issues but…I mowed the yard today. Sans for the side ditches,I just got overheated and woozy and sore. I worked in increments. It took.probably 3 hours but I took lots of breaks. I am exhausted but glad I did it. For all the good it does. All I ever hear are my failings.

So 4 pm,Dad tried to call Ben. My phone eerily silent. He terrified that child,why would he think Bem would flock to him? I figured they were doing their usual snoop across the tracks thing to tsk tskabout my unmowed yard. Or that blade if grass I missed.

And then I hear his pick up out back and some banging around. I figure taking back their mower or junk.hauling that I will have held over my head for decades. I was.like a deer in headlights,panic rising but frozen,praying no contact…when they left I felt my butt cheeks unclench. That is how tense they make me.

So now the bad juju lingers,equilibrium upended. Those 6 days of silence are probably the kindest thing he has done for my mental health in years. Yet I still feel salty. I know why he is ao.pissed. When he kept harping on my.past mistakes,inc California where I met the donor-I brought up his self proclaimed worst mistake. He did not like that,so shit listed I am. It is almost comical what an immature hypocrite he is. But standing there telling my kid he only exists because “your mom fucked up and ended up.homeless in California”. I was homeless 9 hours,drama king. Yes,I didn’t think it through.or plan ahead. But my kid is not a mistake. Damn him for putting such a cruel thought in Ben’s hesd. I never really got over.him telling me he dudn’t want a child yet but mom got pregmant on.purpose and he got screwed over. Kids don’t forget,even as adults.

So yeah. 10 minutes banging around out back and I am a basketcase of fear and insecurity. You get told you cannot do things right iften and long enough,you start to operate from that belief. I.hope one day I recover from the damage 4 years under his thumb has caused.

Did I? Didn’t I?

The two a.m.wake in a panic (AGAIN) rattled me. I find myself wishing I had less of a conscience,because all I do anymore is feel bad about every tiny thing. It impacts my physical health,my sleep,my appetite. Makes me anxious and lowers my srlf esteem. I a literally being made sick every single day over…junk and money. It is really sad.

It was almost 4 am last I was aware how frustrated I was because I couldn’t calm down enough to go back to sleep. Next thing I know,it is 4:50 am,my heart is leaping out of my chest,and I am wide awake. BUT…

I have no idea if I slept that hour or not. I just…cannot discern. Maybe close to sleep but not quite asleep? More disconcerting is how often this confusion happens.

I really need this move to happen. This is getting old,being told it is almost ready only to be put on hold again. Not been reading good things about these women who manage the properties or maintenace actually fixing stuff so that plays into my anxiety. I just…want out. My gut tells me if I know it is a fldone deal,I will sprinh into actoom on everything else. Again,I could be pink clouding,I have been known to do that during depressive bouts.

But my dad is in my head,forcefeeding his opinions and lack of faith in me and I cannot let that shake my faith in myself.

Counseling should be intetesting tomorrow. She is part of the reason I finally stood up to my dad. Because I don’t deserve berating in my own home even by my dad. But she was a little naive with the ‘what’s the worst that can happen’ thing. I was too,cos I haven’t seeny dad viokent-ish in decades. And I never in a million years saw him lunging after a 12 year old. He is focused on how I disappoint him. I am disappointed in him and ashamed of his actions. A kid’s job is not about doing what makes a parent look good. I resent him for putting that on me my whole life. It kind of is the parent’s job to not do things thd child is traumatized by.

One more counselor who cannot grasp the level of dysfunction in my family.

Looks like I am up for the day. Maybe one day soon that will seem like a good thing rather than a punishment.

Skip In The Record

Woke at 2am in a panic,damp with humid sweat and heartbeat skyrocketing. I am overwhelmed and terrified. I think I was pink clouding my ability to pull off this move. Not ability. MONEY wise. I need a moving truck. I need trash removal. And 6 rooms.of busted up junk furniture had to go somewhere. Bare minimum going rate is $250 per pick up truck load,IF you can find a service still going. And I will need 2 loads at least.

Salvation Army,Goodwill,Amvets-none of then do home pick up. Hell,they only take donations that fit into the metal box. 2 bags of clothes maybe?

RURAL LIFE SUCKS!!!!! Limited options kind of screw me at every turn. What is worse is this makes me understand why dad got so frustrated and mad about us piling up junk.

BUT I will not justify his attacks on us. He has been using the “I work my ass off,I’m tired” line since I was a child. It never excuses childish blow ups,verbal abuse,and threats of violence. He preaches personal responsibility but takes none for his temper. It is always ‘you made me that mad”. As if self control isn’t his problem.

I have thought a lot the last few days about how he was raised. Violent,verbally abusive father. Cold hearted look the other way mother. I feel for that skinny buck tooth boy he once was. He was abused,even.by 50s hard knocks standards. But that child was replaced by a version of that abusive father,using words and criticism rather than fists. Result is same. His parents tore him down. He tears down.his kids but because he ‘broke the cycle of physical abuse’ he truly doesn’t see that he became his father anyway. If only making.psychological sense made it easier.

So…3 am. Terror filled. At least my stomach has returned to previously scheduled pain and discomfort. Idk wtf was happening.yesterday but I am.glad that pain.has gone. Not that I feel good. Just managable compared to yesterday.

So…if anyone has any ideas on what I can do about all this junk being hauled off,let me know. Used to,I would leave it behind and just deal with being sued or whatever. Payments I can make. Lump sum,no,don’t even have a credit card to float it on. I just don’t want these noob landlords using the mess to call housing and get us blacklisted or tossed before we even get to settle in. And these 2 are spoiled rich kids with good jobs so they will not understand financial hardship. They gave also NEVER been.landlords before so god knows what little things other lls might see as normal for the business but these 2 will make a federal case of. I just want to protect our spot at housing. We need this fresh start desperately.

I hope I can get back to sleep. Going to be 96 today. Looong miserable day does not need to start at 2 a.m. This sleeping randomly,hour here,hour there,zoning.on my.kid in the evening before 9pm…sucks. I gotta get out of here while I still have a pulse,it is killing me.

Standstill

It’s 12:30 pm ish and I have bern awake 9 hours already. Not for lack of trying to nap. Tried 4 different meditation videos. Melatonin. Breathing exercises Not helping is someone nearby has been pounding and hammering for hours,noise is a trigger.I am just anxious today. No move forward possible since housing is closed for Juneteenth.

Dulcolax finally brought some relief but it is a painful process. My belly muscles still feel strained. I am like an overinflated Michellin man. Feeling it in my pelvis/ovary area now. Will I ever feel right again? Will I ever find the unicorn,a dr who will.listen and care enough to figure out what is going on? I am so sick of talking about it. But it is having an enormous impact on me mentally and physically.

I washed my bedding and remade the bed. Clean clothes (bathed yesterday). Basic hygiene. And of course,mega shitposting on FB. It is mindless but keeps me from being totally focused on all that is wrong. I truly do enjoy the animal/goth pics. I don’t interact much but I am trying to come out of my shell.in small ways.

Just trying to breathe and focus on a fresh start. Lots of sucky problems to sort before I can truly relax but trying not to panic too much. For today,I just have to hang in there. And shut out the voice that sparks my insecurity and self doubt. 5 peaceful dad free days. I need this in.my life. But he still lives in my head a little. I gotta remind myself his version of me is not based on total fact but his own distorted views and values. Opinion is not fact or fate. Especially.not his.

Misery

Today I have been edgy and sad. Thinking about having to rehome my 2 girls but then not one person has shown.interest in a week so I am a monster same as them…I don’t have a choice,I cannot keep a roof over my kid’s head without this move…does not make it easier. My conscience…I am just…sad…

On top of this,the agonizing.pressure and bloat has returned to midsection. I am in pain. Trying yoga positions,eating fiber filled veggies,drinking water,antigas pills…nothing relieves it. Not even a tripple dose of laxative yesterday worked. But that stupid NP says nothing is wrong other than slightly low potassium. Like bloating and gas are psychosomatic. It infuriates me. I spend more time correcting typing mistakes than typing BECAUSE I CAN BARELY FEEL MY FINGERTIPS!!! Something IS wrong. But going for a third opinion after 2 dismissals will only hurt me. That note they make in your file follows you. Drama queen. Drug seeker. Mental case. Getting healthcare of any kind here is soul crushing.

I scooped cat boxes,took out trash,cleaned counters and washed dishes in an effort to try a DBT thing called opposite action. Got moving instead of sitting still. It did not improve my mood. It highlighted how much there is to do and all I have done doesn’t make a dent. So ended up feeling more overwhelmed and defeated. Ty,DBT. Also agitated my belly issue,made my back hurt,and overheated me. Fail times 2.

I am just exhausted. 3:50 am is an awful time to start the day. I wanted a nap desperately. Not even melatonin and meditation made it work. Oh,well. Much like my dad in my head constantly telling me lazy deadbeats don’t deserve food,he is there yelling how he works soo hard,how DARE I want more sleep because I dob’t work so don’t need rest…

Still,I cannot wait til sleep comes and I can escape my total misery. Deserving or not,science dictates need for sleep.

Lawnmowers Are The New Chainsaw

When I was 10,I saw a preview of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I was terrified of the saw. My dad thought it hilarious. We lived in the country so it was pitch black when mom and us girls got home one night. No sign of dad’s truck. We go to head inside and out of the dark comes this rushing figure waving a chainsaw. Dad burst into laughter.”Doesn’t even have a blade,what are you scared of?”

It took decades for me to stop flinching when i heard chainsaw. He still makes a quip about it from time to time. Still funny to him.

Now,it is the sound of lawnmowers that spark my cringe factor panic respons3. Because 4 years of them showing up whenever,unannounced,ordering me to get off my ass and help mow. NM if Iam sick,cooking,on a call,in th bath..must drop everything because they are HELPING me.

So yeah,whoever nearby is mowing and my body is on red alert. It is less when they mow away in the distance. It is deafening when they pass close again.

Not having a great mental health day anyway. Dad is in my head,reminding me of every mistake,convincing me I am selfish and lazy and people who don’t work shouldn’t eat a good meal. So that roast and veggies I splurge on once a month and look forward to…wasn’t all that good cos all my brain could do was focus on my unworthiness.

Now,my badass strong woman mindset has given way for weak fearful overwhelmed girl who will never be able to pull off this move and start fresh because no way I can clean the place to their uppercrust standards so dad will hear and then the whole town will know how bad it got ..last property they bought,the lady left behind adult toys…and these noob landlords were showing pics around town,hooting and hollering. So discretion and non judgment not in their skillset.

I am exhausted. I am beaten down. I am scared. And I am now crippled with self doubt,wondering if I just have victim mentality and am a lazy horrible person. The sadness has seeped into my soul because no one should be made to feel that low about themselves. Sure as hell not from a father. Yet he is the pillar of the community.

Trying soo hard to fight these thoughts. Ben and I actually had an ok time when we went grocery shopping earlier. Back to this place,and down the drain. I was so fucking stupid writing that hopeful upbeat post yesterday about feeling more like myself. That person doesn’t exist anymore. The Gloom Monger murdered her spirit. Time to accept that I am.doomed and a useless human.

My brain REALLY goes dark at times.

Thunder…Literally and Figuratively

Just woke again at 3:45 am,heart pounding,in a dead panic. Racing thoughts. Fear paralyzing me. Replay of dad’s blow up and how scared I really was. I stood toe to toe but inside I was panicking and wishing to crawl under a rock. Spent the evening feeling an inch tall because idiot I am,I tried to explain to him how I haven’t felt well for weeks after the ER trip… it only made him angrier and it was all about him and he is 75 and scooping corn in this heat…As usual,I don’t have a job so I can’t feel unwell,I have no valid feelings or explanations,it is ALL ABOUT HIM.

Now it is 4:05 am and thunder is rolling and it has cooled off. The enjoyment of that is hampered by my still thundering heart. That man has screwed me up same,way his parents screwed him up. He thinks because he didn’t beat us the way they beat him makes him such a superior parent. He has even pink clouded his childhood abusr as something good that made him stronger. I mentioned it to my counselor recently and she was like…”Interesting that despite how awful he makes you feel,here you are,considering how he was raised and feeling empathy for how it messed him up.”

THAT. That is who I am,how I am wired. Kara says it comes from a place of emotional maturity my father has just never reached. He isn’t wired that way. So despite my flawed patterns of behavior he considers immature,I am light years ahead of him on emotional quotient. It doesn’t make it easier though.

I need another miracle. Him being right about me cannot happen. My self esteem has taken a beating this year. If I cannot get all this junk hauled off…then he becomes right about me making messes and not cleaning them up. God,I wish I had a credit card. I would just order a big dumpster for a couple of days and pile everything in. They would haul it away and we would be ready to start fresh. I just don’t have $400 to do it and that is the cheapestn I can’t get a loan,I can’t borrow from anyone…it isn’t not wanting to clean up my mess. Charge me a dumpster and let me repay over tine,Ben and I will strip this place to the carpet and paint.

Sad thing is,a lot of this is auction junk dad forced on me. He gave Ben a dresser with a drawer missing and the rest with loose nails…and blew up when he found it in the shed,fallen apart. You gave it to us trashed. Was it supposed to improve over tine with use? But again,my fault,I should tell them no. Even though I say no more junk,and get the”fine,we were just trying to help”. Much like 4 years of him bitching about stuff in the shed. Not once did I ask for him to get involved or to haul it off. He insinuated himself,took it on himself,and how dare I get offended because he is telling me what I need HELP with and HELPING me.

Help usually doesn’t include daily insults,lectures,and intrusion of boundaries. He says I always have to have it my way…not realizing that is who he is. His way is the only right way. Otherwise,you are doing it wrong.

He is right,though. Leaving a mess could get us sued. Could cost us the new place if housing finds out. I feel our fresh start slipping away. Over yet again money. And the thought of my dad,so smug and arrogant,smirking because we end up homeless…over not having the money to do the right thing…ugh,that sickens me mire than a lawsuit. I am NOT the same inoulsive screw up I used to be. I have kept my kid sheltered in a stable home with food,clothes,hesltcare,education,for 13 years. 11 of them all on my owj. I haven’t split town or been arrested or had my power turned off. Haven’t hooked up with a string of guys and neglected my kid. But with dad,if you don’t work you are a piece of shit.

I have been on FB for days,trying to find my cats homes. Trying to find junk removal services or names to who might know someone. Even reached out to my sis,but she has her own problems. Bottom line is,without money up front,I cannot get the stuff hauled. No money,no moving. I am so frustrated I could scream. Thus is what I get fir daring to have hope. Dad murdered that,as usual. He is right,i am a loser,it is never going to change.

Wow,this is a fucking woe is me epic. Sorry, I really wish I could write 3 paragraphs of frivolity. But that us not who I am. Maybe a blog fail but being true to who I am…I will never allow anyone make that abad thing. In a wirld of vapid social media fakes,authenticity is to be celebrated.

And The Other Shoe Drops

I was on edge all day,in cringe mode because trash day,dad blow up time. And he came pounding on the door and started in on us both about the shed. We both acknowledged it was our mistake and we would work it out. He kept cussing and yelling. I tried to placate by staying calm,saying I screwed up,yes,you work hard,I respect that..and he KEPT berating me. Ben got sassy and told him to mind his own business…and the man came unhinged. He shook his fist an.knch from my chin,telling me he should have knocked me on my ass a long time ago cos I have to have everything my way. I commented 4 years of hell here are hardly my way..and that fist came even closer to my chin. Ben protectively hugged me and said leave her alone…so he shook his fiat at the kid and berated him,too,as needing knocked on his ass.

At that point,I said,”You don’t pay our bills,you have no right to talk to us that way. I am done.” Started to close the door. He kicked it back.open,still berating us. Would be funny if it weren’t borderline scary. 75 years old,threatening his daughter and grandchild physically,ssyibg high time I grew up…wtf?

Ben was bawling and shaking for an hour after. Asked tearfully,”Why is Poppy that way?”

Always has been. I got a speeding ticket when I was 16 and he kicked me in the hip with a cowboy boot,was bruised for a week. And I had taken responsibility and paid the ticket already!

Yesterday,the counselor asked me wgat standing up to my dad :would look loke”. I said I would blow up and burn bridges or start sobbing and shaking.

Never occurred to me my dad would raisr his fist to us,honestly thought old age mellowed him. Coming after my kid,though…I stood between them so Ben was not in danger but…

So yeah. The light at the end of the tunbel I wrote about earlier? Oncoming train.

So now I gotta find help to move,rehome my cats,and get rid of 7 rooms of junk with no money or help. Because that us how they are. Piss them off even with the truth,fuck you,kiss their ass.

Plus side…we should have an awesomely quiet weekend.

96 degrees today contributed to the temper flare,no doubt. I just don’t get what he hopes to accomplish bringing up my mistakes from 14 years ago,30 years ago. I OWNED that I make bad choices. (Mental illness has not helped but riight,that isn’t real,just my excuse for being a screw up.) Then harping on the past. And harping.

You just cannot reason with an emotionally immature bully. And after him coming at my child…I would be more than happy to never deal with him again.

Drained…Again

Today sucked. Dad showed up at 9am pounding on the door,cussing and hollering about stuff in the shed. Yes,AGAIN. And my idgit brother parroting everything dad said made me want to gag,I hate ass kissers. To my credit,I asserted myself calmly and it seemed to take some of the wind out of his sails. Then.he called a little later. Every fiber of my being wants to scream LEAVE ME ALONE.

Ben had a blow up because I chastised him for a “joking” email he sent school guidance counselor. The guy called me,breaking confidentiality,because he was worried about Ben self harming. Don’t know how “I have been summoned” leads to self harm but nice he cares. Ben just cannot get it through his head that counselors and principals are NOT hid friends,they are adults and emailing then constantly is not appropriate. He got mad and blew up on me,as usual. But then S called to go swimming and Ben was done talking to me. I swear the kud’s family has spent $50 in a month taking my kid along. Guess it is good they have it to spare but I am very uncomfortable with him using people for what they can give or do for him. Maybe I misconstrue it,Idk.

I am in.pain tonight. Worse than usual,belly and back. NP office finally called. Other than low potassium,they can find nothing wrong. They failed to call in the supplement script. No follow up requested. Done. No answers. Unfuckingbelievable. I KNOW something is wrong,damn it. Making me question my reality is pissing me off. Not everything shows up on tests. Try doing your fucking job and figure it out. I had so hoped to be wrong about seeing docs. I wasn’t cynical enough and the apathy and dismissal knocked me on my ass.

Dad and crew showed up unannounced to mow. I was napping and my brother started banging on the door and hollering then just came on in. So I dragged ass and mowed the usual spots…only for dad to remow it. Why demand I mow if you just want to do it yourself.

No good news on money for the move. I am freaking out. No deposit returned. One place simply does not do rent or deposit assistance. The other place usually only helps after you get an eviction.motice for being behind on rent. I.left a message,we will see. Oh,and I had to kill the fundraiser because gofundme’s new payment processor won’t allow me to link my prepaid account.

The only thing I accomplished today was taking a bath. Well,basics like clean clothes,etc. I am hurting and absolutely drained. I took my lumps and then some this week. And it does not look like things will improve any time soon. At least I should have a quiet weekend at home. If I am still hurting this way Sunday,I may go back to the ER. It really is that bad. And not being believed makes it even worse.

Dehumanized

Woke at 5:10 am,right into.panic mode. I am hurting. Moving makes it worse. 4 days and nOTHING from the NP. Just…wow. I was expecting them to be incompetent but totally blowing me off? Pretty obvious that woman is not going to advocate for me.

Er doc was no better. i just cannot believe I presented with belly pain but neither of them even examined me there. They usually do a quick hands on,feeling for abnormalities. Wtf is wrong with these people? I am to the point of bypassing local but it is 115 mile round trip. That’s $20 in gas. Nope. I just don’t have it.

Plus side,I am getting used to the numbness and pins and needles,tho its interference with typing infuriates me. And POWs can adapt to accept their imprisonment and torture. Does not make it right. This world is insane with what it expects us to tolerate.

As for my mental state…I just feel…done. I am apparently stuck here until I get behind on rent trying to pay the power bill (company just mandated statewidebrise in monthly bill for $52,I cannot swing that!!!).I might have a little more fight in me if I felt better physically. I just cannot get help on any front. And it makes me angry,not whiny.

No one should be made to feel this dehumanized by medical professionals and their own father.