Ninjas

I read a blog…and got smacked with ninja anxiety and mood crash. This woman lives in public housing and they do weekly “health and safety” inspections. WEEKLY? I have cone to terns with having to endure occasional inspections. I have even accepted that while not what I want,a little oversight is NEEDED.

But weekly is going to shred my nerves. At one point,I had a psych note requiring the landlord give 24 hours notice before coming inside my safe space. It is that upsetting. I don’t even like friends and family in my safe space without a heads up.

So of course,my brain jumped to the conclusion that the housing I applied for will be the same. Panic ensues. Weekly is insane. Biweekly maybe,but that intrusive level.is truly too much oversight. This is why I have avoided public housing for well,my whole life. I need my safe space to be safe. And having.looked at the 30% income base,I really won’t be saving much on rent. So is it worth the intrusion?

Not that I have much choice. And having no choice is as crushing as overly invasive landlords. Feels like I have no choice in anything. Feeling powerless will not help me beat the depression.

But first,I need this physical stuff resolved

I just want my mental and physical problems gone so I can get a job and be normal. So much more control when you work. And maybe putting in time on a low paying job would build a good reference to a good paying one. Wanting to be in control of my life is not a bad thing.

Stomach is churning. Paranoia is rising. I am going to be dealing with new landlords for the indefinite future. I really need Xanax. At least it kills the paranoia and quashes the panic. Anxiety I can manage. The sirens going iff 24-7 have always been the biggest issue.

At least I bathed today. Someday I hope my mind is well enough to not have to list putting on clean clothes,deodorant,and brushing fangs as a daily goal to ensure I remember. And it would be super great if I could actually feel my fingertips again so I write more than I correct. Anything that messes with me writing is a crippling ailment that MUST be healed.

Vitamin D

Dr office called. My vitamin D levels are severely low. Could explain many of my symptoms,including the worsened depression and anxiety. Supplements daily for 12 weeks.

But…nothing I can do about it til next Friday. No gas in the car to get to the pharmacy. No way to get Ben to his appt. I need $20 or a gas card desperately. Miracles don’t happen for me,though.

I am anxious,down,and soo cold today. Looking forward to finding out if low vitamin D is why I am so cold all the time. Would go for a walk and soak up some sun except this is day 4 with no sun. Frustration be thy name. All I wanna do.is fix things and move forward but am stuck in a holding pattern on so many fronts. Kinda makes me wanna scream just to vent my frustration.

Not even changed clothes today. Soo cold in this house. So much ambient noise of semi trucks and trash trucks and cats playing…so very paranoid and feeling unsafe.

4 days medicated but it feels like I am going backwards rather than starting to feel better. Frustrating.

Purr Therapy

(Despite REALLY needing to pee) I am covered in fluffy warm kittens and feel content mentally. Cat people will understand that your misery MUST be brutal to wake sleeping cats and until it is,well,your bladder can wait😜

I bathed today. Put on clean clothes. Scooped litter boxes. Took out trash. Ran an errand. Cooked cheeseburgers. Considering my bloating belly issue and paranoid anxiety for 10 plus hours,I am going to call it a goals met day. I even remembered to call my mom for her bday and she answered for once.

Check out her cake🤣🤣🤣

We are entering a cold snap in single digits for several days so totally basking in all this kitten warmth.

And having said that,the traitors bailed on me🤣 NOW I can go pee. Priorities.

I think one of the most mentally healthy things I taught myself to do is stop chasing this notion of ‘happy’. It’s self defeating and breaks your heart. Instead,I seek contentment. So even on the most absolute shit days,I can feel some semblance of happiness. Be it warm kittens or a good burger,contentment can be felt. And in a black depression,that passes for happy.

I did that. Despite my borderline issues,bipolar,depression,anxiety,and darkness…I taught myself a crucial coping skill.

As long as we’re learning and growing,our mental shit is just a stumbling block,not some statement about being a lost cause.

Bipolar Shuffle?

An hour ago I kinda crashed and all I could think about was how confused,scared,and hopeless I am feeling.

Jump forward,I feel exhausted and scared but there are tinglings inside me reminding me of better days.

That means I have NOT just given up and succumbed to my depressive symptoms. It means I have hope and desire to be better,to do better.

But is it unmedicated bipolar or an issue relating to menopause/hormonal shifts?

Not sure I even care.

I saw something earlier that said,”Stop telling yourself how lazy you are and ask yourself why your body and mind NEED so much rest right now”.

Because I have been without psych care for most of the pandemic. Money problems. Raising a troubled child alone. Loss of a relationship I valued,in my own fucked up way. Physical issues. Semi abandonment by my oldest friend so she could save her stability. Living in a house in a town that makes me sooo unhappy. Walking on eggshells living with an erratic child. Trying to manage multiple mental health issues with zero support system.

Who wouldn’t be exhausted and flailing?

Yes,I am responsible for some of it and only I can help myself. It’s just not simple when your mind,the gatekeeper,is not cooperating.

But the desire to do better is still there. I FEEL it. I feel good memories and know this isn’t the end game.

So even if I do curl up and lose myself in sleep…It’s not giving up. It is self care.

I set my goals for today. Clear snow off car. Petcare. Wash,dry,and fold a load of laundry. I did those things.

And for whatever reason,my back hurts,my is off,and I just feel…tired. But I have not given up. Have not fallen into the role of victim.

For today it is enough.

Srsly,Life?

I am stuck at home with a flat tire. With zero xmas gifts bought for my kid,who now has the flu I had last week. Awesome sauce. NOT. Was awake stressing til 4 a.m Times like this I regret not learning to change a tire. But somehow a high strung attention deficited klutz seems the wrong person to take on such a task where getting it right is a matter of life and death.

Now I am at the mercy of dad and stepmonster,both of who work til dark out so chances of a tire change before Sunday seems unlikely. My brother got fired so he could take me shopping but what do I do with my sick kid? You don’t leave an unwell kid prone to self harm alone. Only other sitter option is my mom but her health is iffy so exposing her to a sick kid is unwise.

This is my karma for putting it off,I suppose. And ffs,it is a flat tire,not fatal. I have 3 days,ish,to get my ducks in a row. I was just trying so hard to not be in the stores on Xmas eve. The madness will trigger panic attacks from hell. And one gift she wants is only at Hellmart. That will be madness.

And there is friend drama,tho it at least in my own head. I am holding it together outwardly and not creating drama. It seems only to be in my own mind anyway. One.more situation where the other person is ok with things yet I feel like my self respect is dying because I am just an option for them when the better people are busy. And I have voiced my feelings repeatedly,to no avail. He just turns it around on me. It is really not a healthy situation for me but then don’t I feel this way in EVERY relationship? I don’t get treated with the respect I think I deserve so I must burn it to the ground. Alone is better than being an option,right? But at what point do I hold myself accountable for EVERY relationship failing? When the other person is ok with how it is. I am obviously demanding and unrealistic.

I want what I want,though. I have accepted and settled my whole life,I am just exhausted doing it. Is it so wrong to think I deserve more than being assigned a time to be friends with then totally ignored every other hour of the day? How is that a healthy friendship? Even friends who work 60 hours a week occasionally fit in messages after 4 p.m. I am basically being placed on a shelf and removed only when it suits him. And I fucking hate how it feels and I kinda hate him fir making me feel this way. Hate him a lot for ignoring me when I express my feelings.

Guess it is just my dysfunction. Holidays is not the time to set it on fire,will only give me more negative feelings toward Christmas. And maybe it is seasonal depression making it feel like a hundred slaps to the face. Though it has bothered me all along,being assigned certain hours every day when my friendship is wanted. I basically taught him it is acceptable treatment by accepting it. But it is not acceptable. A true friend is available any time,within reason. Maybe they get back to you when not busy but they sure as hell don’t just talk to you 12.p.m. to 3 p.m. and fuck you the rest of the time. How does he not get how cruel that comes off? But then again this is a person who will apologize for bad weather but refuse even a hollow I am sorry when you say hey,that is hurtful. Ain’t wired quite right.

Omfg,I HATE THIS GODDAMN BLOCK EDITOR WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING!!!!!!!

Stress has me spinning out,I know,I need to calm down and NOT make any big moves until I am in a better frame of mind. Still gonna hate Guttenberg editor though,and I hate wordpress for forcing it on me. And I am just never going to be ok being someone’s option. I want there to be no choice,it is just me who is wanted.

And I guess I will die alone with my precious principles in tact. There has got to be a happy medium,damned if I can find it.

Hellidays

Nearing Christmas and it is taking every ounce of strength I have not to slip into a concrete rabbit hole. My thinking is not clear. Garbled. Filled with anxieties,consumed by blackened feelings of hopelessness. As usual the crippling anxiety part took a few weeks to kick in. I am no longer able to enjoy music,it overwhelms my senses even at low volume. It made me so happy,to have it turned into a negative again is killing my soul. I try fighting it but effort does not fix screwed up messages being sent by my brain. I cannot figure out what changed,what made my brain starr sending messages of sensory overload from what a few weeks ago nourished my soul.

Still not put up the tree or bought my kid a single gift. I am not even looking forward to Xmas eve the way I did Tgiving,as a way to break monotony. I just want it over with. And it is all me and whatever is going on with my brain chemicals,not serious hatred for holidays or family.

Except one family member I like but have always viewed as something of a rattlesnake. She is related only by marriage and very young but she is so damn shallow and fake,just seeing her social media posts sicken me. She carries on about being so depressed and anxious one minute,then goes on and on about hubby bought her this,oh what a great mom I am,blah blah. To my own self loathing,I find myself hoping her life implodes as karma for claiming mental health issues yet being so high functioning. She is constantly posting shit about paying your own way,etc but her grandma is paying for most of their stuff. Soo fucking fake,such an attention seeker. I can only handle her in tiny doses. And I suppose it says more about me that I gave such angry feelings but I don’t forget shit. During one of their many break ups,this chick waa on social media trashing my family as white trash. I don’t trust her and I am not even liking her much but I gotta fake it.

I liked it better 3 months ago before seasonal depression tainted my thinking and I was just like,ugh eye roll,what a vapid spoiled brat.

And yes,I have TRIED to limit what pops up in my social feed but their damned algorithym keeps ignoring me. I don’t want to unfollow and cause some family drama. Not that I think she would notice but that is usually when something bites you on the ass…

I just want to feel decent. Does not even have to be good,just…not dark like this. I want to want to be awake instead of this perpetual obsession with being asleep cos dreams are better than reality.

And I keep trying to figure out what changed or happened in the last month that made me feel this way. Other than severe money problems due to high heat bills…nothing bad has happened. What the fuck,brain. Just because the temp dropped and we get less sunlight? That is fucking stupid.

Idk. All I can do is survive. Fake it til I make it. Keep going. Even tho every fiber of my being is telling me to curl up in a ball and cease to exist.

Manic Depression

I am not a fan of the term bipolar. It confuses people and makes them think all bipolar is strictly mania. Manic depression is clear and requires little explanation. But the DSM disagrees. Kind of like how it used to be called a nervous breakdown and now it is major depressive disorder. Stop “fixing” what ain’t broke,you twat waffles.

Up since 4. I got 2 hours of sleep.I was feeling pretty good. And then splat. I am tired,depressed,anxious,hopeless and pissed off at someone for no good reason other than their behavior flipped a switch in me. This sucks.

Across the street they are putting in a doublewide. It is right outside my bedroom window and all the noisy machinery is setting off anxiety alarm bills.

Plus side,I got braindead bored with tv so I have been playing music for 3 hours. That is ending,though,I am being assaulted by noise. Only control I have is to turn off the music.

So…splat. Suckage. I honestly.let myself hope depression was finally subsiding. Stupid fucking mania. I fall for it every time. Idiot that I am. All the things I was feeling positive about are dulled and tainted by my scumbag brain failing to just a accept shit instead of taking it.personally,lashing out,and feeling wounded and fucked over.

Now that I recognize it partly as behavior,I can try to alter it. The mood crash and anxiety sure don’t help.

High

I have always said hypomania and mania are the best high money cannot buy.

Feeling it now. Hypomania. My brain is ten funnel clouds swirling. On the phone,on the laptop,tv on,music on. On Facebook,Google,Wordpress,Gmail. Editing a photo. Posting memes. Looking at goth girl pictures. I truly feel high. No booze or drug has ever mimicked this high. I know it is byproduct of my disorder.

I went off leftover meds for a week then started feeling mania stirring,so I started back on 200 mg Lamictal for 6 days. I tend to get hyperfocused on whatever I am getting joy and validation from and I can overdose and alienate people. Fondness for validation isn’t needy bitch syndrome but people don’t get it. So I am trying to both enjoy this ‘high’ but also break old patterns of behavior that bites me on the ass. Trying. My brain can be like an old record player needle on scratched vinyl. Same thought,over and over and over. And if people deny me my validation by disappearing or ignoring me,I get pissy and try to return to aloof apathy. Gotta break the cycle.

This high is why people won’t stay medicated. The doctors know it but have zero empathy. Straighten up and fly right,no in between. Sometimes,mood stabilizers lead to joylessness and emotional numbness. Mania is ten channels coming in at once and you aren’t overwhelmed and shutting down but embracing it. I won’t debate how my choices got me here. Probably won’t be the last time. And former docs actually got it and let me have a med break while monitoring closely.

I just wish this mania resulted in whirlwind housework juju. Sitting on devices is not getting shit done and I am skating on thin ice. Clutter alone might get us tossed out. But my organizational skills are on the side of a milk carton.

Gonna return to enjoying it,though a crash is inevitable. Especially as little sleep as I got. But after 9 months in a” kill me now” depression,mania is what I need. As long as I stay home and watch my actions,Lamictal will soon start kicking in.

It’s Not Wrong…

Still ticking. Think I nodded off 2 minutes then demented Jack In The Box Time. Gut is telling me hypomania…

Just saw a post on FB about house cleaning being best for your mental health,it helps you feel in control of your life. It’s not wrong. I am just not sure how it applies to bipolar disorder. Does anyone really think it is just laziness and a lack of pride in my home? True,it would be better for my stress but I don’t know how much harder to try. I am trying to be real and not make excuses…

And this is the relentless trap. Comparing my situation with others’. It is toxic but I cannot help that it gets to me. I am coping best I can.

I just wish my best was good enough to keep people off my back. Being judged and harassed do nothing to motivate me.

At all.

Trust Yourself?

Trusting yourself when you have bipolar disorder is tricky. Feeling good can,at any time,be signs of mania. Or you could just feel good. Thing is,you don’t ever really know for sure until later on. If days pass and feeling good does not morph into happy fun ball time,you can say,yeah,juat feeing good. Until then,you approach your mental state with wariness and skepticism.

That is where I am. Where I always am when thinking I am feeling too good. I have been talking a little to a truly nice guy on FB and even that is a question mark. Because if my mood crashes,will I still feel so open and positive to a new friendship and all the risks that come with it? Is it fair to even put people in that position?

Sick of never being able to trust how I feel.

Also sick of feeling unwelcome in my own home. Wasn’t as bad this a.m.,Spook even gifted me with 5 minutes of pleasant convo. But most days,she is so cranky and hateful,I truly feel I don’t belong here. A good mom would have a happy,respectful child,right?

Since this trans kick started,their (no she or he,they or them,i was yelled at) mood has been vile. I said the kick had quieted yesterday…and 5 minutes later they went bonkers that I used wrong pronouns and called them by the name I chose. I can see my kid is tormented so I changed my terms,even used the name Ben…only to get told to use her real name,it just doesn’t feel right me calling them Ben.

Wtf? Does this child want to put me in a straight jacket? I can handle trans. I love my child. I cannot handle walking on eggshells and always being on the receiving end of hatefulness. I literally cannot say hi without an anger response. They even yell when I am trying to be funny with the cats. Everything I say and think is wrong. To say my self esteem is suffering is an understatement.

I am enjoying my 4 hour day breaks right now. I don’t walk around,scared of inciting a blow up. What the hell kind of life is that?

And then the voice in my head laughs cruelly and snarls,”It is karma,you dumbass!For every person you subjected to your bipolar depressive bullshit!”

It is a big factor in why I remain alone. I don’t ever want to hurt anyone mentally. And I cannot stop being bipolar so what options are there?

I am rewatching Lost Girl in an effort to distract from it all. A show about fairies and vampires and all things magical is the medicine I need. Tho it does tug at a void in me and that is my lifelong desire for a female best friend. Bo and Kenzi are so awesome as BFFs. Again,though,my disorders make me an unreliable friend so I have no friends irl. Do I just wamt what I cannot have? I do have a history of it. Then I get what I wanted and it does not make me happy. Not like I want it that way. So confusing,trying to be a good person and cause no damage,yet also having needs not being met.

So far today all I have done is bathe. But that is a big deal for me.

Yesterday,I bothered with a few pics,trying to convince myself I am not hideous. Selfies make me feel so conceited,even if the only thing I like about them is my hair.

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