Hygiene Hijinks

Ok,so no hijinks but no fucking way should showering be so difficult I struggle to do it once a week. I am not alone. I read other blogs and depression paints showering a barely surmountable task. I enjoy feeling clean and smelling nice so Idk why it is so hard.

Nice ish day out so neighbor kids are out screeching in the warm sun. My kid already had a blow up this morning. Over me not knowing if my sis is playing Bingo tonight. From there it became assasinate mom’s character on 8 diff failings. And then…he was all I love yous. HOW can the so called professionals give me NO help with this kid?

So Bingo tonight. Something to get us out of the house. Family time. Adult conversation. Soo sick of hearing about Tiktok and other mentally deficient social media. It is supposed to be fun distraction. My kid wields it as gospel. And I am exhausted. Breaking down in ways I cannot explain. Yet because my meds finally hold suicidal thoughts at bay,the only help I qualify for is outpatient therapy. So I can come home to everything breaking me down.

Mental illness is a hell no one should have to live.

I’m Alive

Never gone a month without blogging here in 9 plus years. My mental state is that bad. I have a meeting w Ben’s school in 80 minutes. Waiting anxiety is awful. I am like a deer frozen in headlights these days. I feigned hygiene with a wet wipe and Irish Spring mop up. Clean clothes. I got Ben’s cold and spent the night coughing and with a sore throat and sniffles. No fever or loss of taste of smell or taste so 99 percent typical winter coldbola. Ick.

Anyway…I am here. I will write more later IF clarity should make a rare appearance.

Unmerry

Niki’s not “feeling it,what’s new”. I know. But it is less the holidays and more the cold and my kid. The psych nurse calles to follow up the other day since they are booked so solidly. She wanted to know how Ben is doing on Duloxetine. I think it is helping more than Fluoxetine but my kid says none of them work. And none will if the problem is situational or you have made up your mind to be unhappy because everything doesn’t go your way. Much of it is like that w Ben. He puts forth zero effort to learn coping skills. Anyway…she asked if I had other concerns (sooo many) but I mentioned the ODD explosions. Talk therapy is the only treatment. And she mentioned commutting him to the outpatient program 50 miles away. All they do is group therapy. And the xhild returns home daily so how would that help me other than to add to his paranoia that all adults are out to get him? If anything it would turn him against me more.

So I feel screwed all around. And I am scared. Of betraying my kid. Of continuing to live w his blow ups. Hard to find happy or content here.

So I put one foot in front of the other and.push away thoughts that the only way through or out is death. I have tied far too much self worth to my kid’s (un) happiness and my worth as a mom. Which considering all my failures he brings up even tho reality was a little different…I have nothing to be proud of. I have failed him. He has even taken to sayibg it is my fault his dad left.despite his dad walking out on 2 other kids…And the kid is cranky and volatile today due to “obly” getting 8 hours sleep so I fear tonight w my transphobic family. Merry fucking Christmas. Time to put on my mask. The one everyone buys into because surely Niki is dramatizing,depression isn’t that bad,no cgild could act that bad. My life is a maze,I am the rat and there is no cheeseno matter how many times I pass the finish.

I am gonna do my best to just enjoy the holiday. Problem is,reality doesn’t pause for Santa.

Weak?

I started out at 5:30am feeling ok. Fewer wake ups,more restful sleep. ( That review off my plate really helped me relax a little so I slept better.) I listened to 2 hours of music via headphones,that is HUGE. Got my kid up…

And then the anxiety ninjas crept up and attacked.

Paranoia. Pounding heart. Sweaty armpits. Feelings of bad things coming. All of it,at once,from nowhere. So I took a Xanax and I feel weak…never mind how many days I take none. It still makes me feel like I am not trying hard enough and going for a quick fix. I know better so that mentality has been transferred by others. I hate it.

So last night’s big plan to shower in the a.m. is looking unlikely. I only have so many spoons and I gotta go finish xmas shopping and prep for SnowIcePocalypse this weekend. I need spoons for driving and busy stores. Wet wipes and Irish spring mop up on aisle 6 likely. Oh,well,at least I smell nice afterward. Shower later maybe? Depends on ho the day goes. Pounding heart panicky feeling does not bode well.

My kid had two huge blow ups last night. Actually picked up the lamp and threatened to throw it at me. I am doubtful he would but still makes me leery. Others just don’t see this side of Ben,they cannot believe he would act this way?. Like I make it up or dramatize to make the kid look bad. Trust me. Parents do not want to admit their kid hates them that much and threatens to hurt us. It feels like ineffectual parenting so all my fault. I did this. Thankfully,my counaelor helps remind me Ben is responsible for his actions. Ha. Not today. And I don’t want him labeled a bad kid or placed in some “home” for worst of the worst kids.

Oppositional Defiance Disorder sucks. Especially in a rural area where specialists don’t exist. Psych nurses push therapy. Counselor pushes meds. And so Ben and I suffer. And contrary to what he says,I DO care and I see how he hurts and being in this impossible to help catch 22 kills me.I do want to help. I just feel stuck and weak.

Relief!

I know a couple people asked about my disability review. I got the letter today saying they do not need to review me at this time. Wonder if the 10 pages of journal pages convinced them I am not malingering. Anyway,it may be a brief respite as they can do it any time but this is one less worry on my plate. Thank you,Santa,and Social Security.

Anti Freeze

Odd title,right? LOL. The weather is callong for 3 days straight in the negatives so I dragged my ass outside (23 gloomy degrees) to make sure my car has plenty of anti freeze. It does now. I was dismayed by the ice needing scraped. Was colder yesterday a.m. but little scraping needed thanks to sunshine melting it quicker. This gray cold is so ick factor ten. We have a week of it plus snow. It is a death knoll for seasonal depression. Esp at Christmas. White Christmas,hell,it is all gonna be a big ice rink. And my sister lives on a hill they have to hand scoop. Ugh.

Ben had a 2nd explosion yday. I don’t even remember what I said or did. Then it passed and he spent the evening hours tellong me I want this and this and that but you can wait til Jan or Feb. Does nothing to help,terrorizes me,ungrateful and disrespectful…I hate myself for making him so…mean. but at some point a kid’s free will and own refusal to help himself trumps parental flaw. Supposed to teach them personal responsibility but m y pamby parent trend has ensured thrre is NONE. At least he eventually let me sleep. Not that I stayed down much. Damn Jack In The Box sleep. Woke at 4am,took a Xanax( had none yday so was due) and slept from 4:45 til 6:20. Felt more motivated.

Since getting the kid off to school,I have wrapped ALL gifts,made tea,checked anti freeze and managed clean clothes and basic hygiene. Now I am exhausted,ridiculous as it sounds. May go for groceries later,Idk. I am out of bed (sitting upright in the recliner bed,anyway) and some days showing up matters a lot. Even if it takes every ounce of strength to put one foot in front of the other.

Sunshine And Fear

It is only 24 degrees out but for the first time in 7 days running…the sun is out. I CANNOT grasp just how much difference mere sunlight has on my mood and perception of body temperature. I was freezing earlier despite indoor heat. 14 degrees is cold even w sun. I had to drive to my sister’s to fetch my kid froma sleepover. Now at 1:30 pm I can sit outside 5 minutes to soak up sun for my seasonal and not be violently shivering. As much as I cursed weeks of endless sun during summer…I recognize how crucial it is for my mental state.

Also harming my mental state…my kid. All was calm til I said no to a septum piercing. He exploded. Saidhe wanted to smash a lamp over my head til I died. And I am alwaus waiting for a knock signaling the neighbors calles the cops w noise complaint. This is however the second time he has made the lamp threat and I am starting to fear for my safety. Sadly,until he actually attacks me,I can do nothing. I have told both psych nurse and counselor about his explosions. Nothing. No support,no help. Not even validation in as “that must be hard”. My counselor recognizes it as problematic,so why don’t they? Do I need to be dead before something is done about this child? And now he is malong up stuff about me being a drunk and trying to strangle him. One time he lashed out at me then tried hurting himself and I held his arms against the wall to protect us both. Truth doesn’t matter. I am exhausted and fed up. And stuck.

They are calling for negative temps and snow this week so holiday thing has me nervous. Not to mention 2 weeks of abored hostile kid trapped at home. I am honestly filled w dread and a little scared. And all alone. I have never felt so alone and so sanity challenged. Ever. I am terrified.

Sanity Failing

Long time no blog. I just have no energy or cohesive thoughts. I blurb in my Finch self care Reflections app but my oven mitt fingers make typing on this small kb (wide finger kb my ass!) a misery. So…nothing new except my descent into madness is quickening. Not drama,not hyperbole,not creative license. I truly feel myself starting to crack.

My kid’s school bullying continues no matter how much I talk to school powers that be. His oppositional defiance is worse than ever. He went off on me in front of his counselor and she made no effort to calm him or defend me against his screaminf. Her only caveat was to reschedule. Which had to be done last week when the pediatrician wanted an EKG and Ben wemt balliatic. The meltdowns are worsening. And I have no help or support. It feels hopeless. Sleep.is my only peace.

My depression is crippling. I am barely functional. My anxiety and paranoia are debilitating. I am scared to leave home. Almost paralyzed with fear of driving bevause car problems or potential wrecks. I am scared that this is the downward spiral I don’t come back from. Yet here I go trying to downplay cos I don’t wamt to.lose my kid or be declared in need of conservatorship. Not like ALL moments are paralytic altered thought. Just soo much more than is normal. I swear I have a tumor of some sort making me this crazy. First week of January the appt will begin,hopefully,unraveling the physical stuff. stucf.

Still gonna try to enjoy the hellidays. 2 weeks of my kid screaming at me is gonna be hell. Surviving my own mind more hellish. But here I am,still showing up. Even if everything feels unsafe and threatening. I do not wish mental illness on anyone.

Kill Me,Make Me Stronger,DO SOMETHING!

Still struggling something fierce. How do you reconcile with disappointment being your first emotion upon waking each day? I have many reasons to be optimistic and less anxious. Yet I am a trainwreck. What the hell? Depressed for no reason is a hard pill to swallow. Cold and darkness aren’t exactly legit reasons to want to cease to exist. Yet here I am. Feeling punished by “having” to live. Every time I read about some celebrity passsing, all I can think is,dammit,why couldn’t it be my loser ass,they were actually living. I just exist. So sick of feeling this way.

I am trying tho. Physical issues making it even harder. Trying to power through for my kid’s Christmas. My soul is on life support. I really should be dead,not people who enjoy life. I guess I can whine to my counselor today and let her try to convince me I have value despite it all. Lather,rinse,repeat.

Chair

I am having a BAD mental health day. High rampant anxiety and paranoia have me glued to my safe space,my chair. It has been this way for as long as I can remember,me having a safe space be it living room recliner or sofa or bed. Leaving it worsens the bad juju and Bad Tboughts. Thete was NO trigger. It just appeared. Here I m,now question your sanity and reality. Yes,I am even wavering on what is real. It could all be a vivid dream paralysis. Idk. It is disturbing.

So I am sticking to my safe space as much as I can. The anxiety just keeps worsening. The feelings of doom and despair hammer at my mind. No trigger. You can move. You can improve your situation. But you cannot escape mental illness. Or my mystery physical illness. I feel doomed and every fiber of my being wants to give up. Fighting it has drained me. Pretending to be normal is exhausting. So…chair it is. And hopefully tomorrow the mental lamdscape will improve. Today is a wash. Pure survival mode as mymind starts a list of ways to end it all. Don’t panic,there is no intent to harm myself. The thoughts are there and voicing them sort of helps. Now I have gone on record,sort of,with how bad my mental health currently is. It passes,returns,passes,returns. Lather,rinse,repeat. Lather,rinse,repeat. Great time to be under disability review,my livelihood in the hands of paper pushets who have no idea how bad mental illness is. Is it any wonder I have do much trouble staying ssleep and my stomach hurts? Survival mode indeed.