In Memory Of…A Poem For My Grandma

My grandma passed last Friday. Today is her funeral. I am going to ask to read the following poem in front of everyone because I was not present in the last 18 years of her life. She had Alzheimer’s and didn’t know any of us so I selfishly said, no, I can’t see her this way…This is my ode to her life, her memory, and my admiration for her. It’s all I’ve got. And she was a writer so I think she would appreciate this poem more than any eulogy.

In Memory Of Grandma

You were dealt a hand you didn’t deserve
but you paved a new road for you and yours
you forged ahead, not looking back
living life to the fullest, giving all you had
Finding your voice halfway through your life
You backed down from no one, no challenge, no fight
You used your mind and your words
to set yourself apart
into your family and writing, you poured your heart
You loved, you lost, you carried on
yet again dealt a bad hand
from life’s cruel deck of cards
Year after year you hung in there
it was one hell of a fight
now you can have the peace you’ve earned
and finally again be
with the love of your life

Free Verse- Alone

Alone, people say,
like it’s a bad thing
being alone isn’t so bad
I wrap my arms around the wall
it doesn’t wrap its hands around my neck
alone is fine by me

Monsters- Poem About Mental Illness

I am the boogeyman in your closet
the monter under your bed
I am the bug crawling under your kinvor
the works crawling round in your head

I am the bad dreams
that you cannot escape
the living nightmare from which
you can never awake

I am the parasite in your bloodstream
The predator, your soul I will take
you may wither and die
before you ever wake

I am the carnivore
upon your soul I shall feed
Leaving you a husk
making you forever bleed

You run and run and run from me
in the end you will find
I am the monster inide you
from which you cannot hide

Poem-Phoenix

Splay me open
peel back the layers
take a long look deep inside
Pick me apart
feel free to tear me down
and mock the tears I’ve cried
Build myself up
slowly from the ashes
again stronger I will rise
step forward not back
look to the future
you can see it in my eyes

Imperfect Me-Poem

Your perfectionism chokes me
provokes me
you can only be who you are
why not afford me the same
I am imperfect and flawed
messily beautiful
chaotic my forte as is perfection
is yours
The more you push me to be
more like you
the more I don’t want to be
anything like you, I only
want you to let me be
and let me be me
The messiness you shun is
the tempest within me that
keeps the fire in me alive
who you are is smothering
the flame of who I am
Yet what do I do to quash
who you truly are
Nothing
You want perfection
you’ve knocked on the wrong door
and for these reasons it’s likely
my chaos and I will
vanish into our messy ether
your kingdom of order and control
and perfectionism
all yours to savor
while I go my own way and
shake off the joylessness
I felt being under your thumb of
control and perfection
I want to be free
I want to be chaotic and messy and
mostly
I just want to be imperfect me.

Afraid To Dream

Frozen stiff, awake, asleep, dream land
all the same
no movement
punching at air, clawing
futile battle
not winning, losing ground
prayers unanswered
sleep demons prey upon me
I anchor myself and hang
only to be swept away again
they imprison me
they rob me of breath
I run into consciousnous
escape
too afraid to dream again

Poem-Purr

Middle of the night
a soft furry paw on my eyelid
is the food dish empty?
do you need more water?
Middle of the night
a wet lick on my forehead
do you need attention?
or are you saying you love me?
Middle of the night
a cold shiver met with a content purr
Warm fur pressed to my cheek
Happiness glowing from within

Poetry-Home

The cold tiles creak under my feet
another not quite dreamhouse
floors caving in, uneven
tilting to one side
off kilter, story of my life
no dream home for me it seems
but dreams are for suckers
I don’t need perfection
just a place that is my home

Ghosts- A Poem

I spew these words as therapy
to rail against the ghosts that
are haunting me
I spit out rhymes that make no sense
waiting for someone to help exorcise
my inner demons
I talk, I swear, silent but screaming inside
wishing there was some safe space
where I could hide
I’m haunted, hexed, vexed, cursed
in suffering impotently
I am well versed
I spew these words as therapy
in hopes of slaying
the ghosts haunting me

Warrior-A Poem

This was written years back for a wordpress blogger friend who lost her battle to depression and took her own life. I found the handwritten draft yesterday and Spook asked me to read it to her, then told me how good it was and I should share again so…I will.

Dedicated to Ulla AKA Blahpolar

The Warrior

Like the warrior you were, you used every weapon in your arsenal

and valiantly you fought the demons within

Until those weapons dulled, crumbled- still you fought some more

You did battle without armor, you charged in without a shield

taking on shrapnel and bullets and wounds

You didn’t quit, didn’t give up, no surrender

you merely regrouped

Until one day the battle went on one day too long

you chose to retreat, waving a white flag

you laid down your arms

and finally found much deserved peace

Gone but not forgotten, always revered, imprinted on our hearts and minds

always you shall remain

Our hero, our heroine, our warrior