I’ve Had Enough

The anxiety and panic are stifling today. I feel genuine terror that we are losing our fresh start. Over money. Which I would have more of if I could just move. Omgomg,totally freaking that housing will call tomorrow. Wtf was I thinking not having help lined up?

On top of that,my sister put the cancer idea in my head and I am totally devoid of fight. It may as well be a given. I’ve had enough.

I just need divine intervention. A generous person. HELP to save my own life. I don’t think I can fight the bad thoughts if this move falls through. Oh pls,God,at least give me a week before housing calls. Let me see what can be done…

Please,God,HELP ME HELP MYSELF😭🙏🏻🤞🏻

Damn My Sister

She texted me with a link,Go read this NOW. Article on how some of my symptoms signal ovarian cancer. Like the thought wasn’t already in my head. But you.don’t do this shit to someone with panic disorder. Now my brain will assume I am dying of cancer and I will give up what little fight I have left. And I have sought help twice only to be ignored so evidently they view me as histrionic. Throwing out the term cancer and “my sister told me to get checked out based on an internet article” will make me look nuttier.

People with good intentions trying to help are gonna be the death of me. Now my anxiety has gone full on paranoia and panic. I will be unable to focus on anything else. Cancer is possible but I fail to see what good she hoped to accomplish this way.

Ninjas

I read a blog…and got smacked with ninja anxiety and mood crash. This woman lives in public housing and they do weekly “health and safety” inspections. WEEKLY? I have cone to terns with having to endure occasional inspections. I have even accepted that while not what I want,a little oversight is NEEDED.

But weekly is going to shred my nerves. At one point,I had a psych note requiring the landlord give 24 hours notice before coming inside my safe space. It is that upsetting. I don’t even like friends and family in my safe space without a heads up.

So of course,my brain jumped to the conclusion that the housing I applied for will be the same. Panic ensues. Weekly is insane. Biweekly maybe,but that intrusive level.is truly too much oversight. This is why I have avoided public housing for well,my whole life. I need my safe space to be safe. And having.looked at the 30% income base,I really won’t be saving much on rent. So is it worth the intrusion?

Not that I have much choice. And having no choice is as crushing as overly invasive landlords. Feels like I have no choice in anything. Feeling powerless will not help me beat the depression.

But first,I need this physical stuff resolved

I just want my mental and physical problems gone so I can get a job and be normal. So much more control when you work. And maybe putting in time on a low paying job would build a good reference to a good paying one. Wanting to be in control of my life is not a bad thing.

Stomach is churning. Paranoia is rising. I am going to be dealing with new landlords for the indefinite future. I really need Xanax. At least it kills the paranoia and quashes the panic. Anxiety I can manage. The sirens going iff 24-7 have always been the biggest issue.

At least I bathed today. Someday I hope my mind is well enough to not have to list putting on clean clothes,deodorant,and brushing fangs as a daily goal to ensure I remember. And it would be super great if I could actually feel my fingertips again so I write more than I correct. Anything that messes with me writing is a crippling ailment that MUST be healed.

Impossible

It is 3 a.m. and I am awake,in a dead panic because I am in an impossible situation. Stuck here with 50 cents to my name. No gas in the car. Month 4 of a $300 monthly heat bill. 3 months to get a place to live but no way to save money and pay current. No assistance whatsoever available.

I don’t want to screw anyone over,especially myself. God,I just want out. My dad was actually telling me I have too much trash for them to haul off and it makes them look bad and my cheap trash bags are awful. I can literally do no right with that man

I need a miracle,I cannot keep living in this state of terror.

Pop Up Panic

5 p.m. and suddenly getting slammed with panicky thoughts and symptoms. My heart is pounding like I am being chased by a guy in a hockey mask. Trigger? Thoughts. My kid being at a friend’s kind of sparked anxiety but just thinking about upcoming appointments and such…has sparked a terror response.

Tomorrow is the school meeting. No doubt to tell me they cannot promote Ben to 8th grade. So many Fs,nothing can be done. Not even a tutor helped the child understand the work. And his lack of effort and defeated attitude only made it worse.

My dr appt Monday next. His counseling appt Tues next. Cost of gas. Then end of month,my appt with social security. I am awful with authority figures and one who could nix my income and survival is petrifying. Is it entirely logical? Maybe not but it already has me losing sleep and trying to get a way out of it. It could help us but the risk of it hurting us is all I can think of.

Then Ben’s psych follow up. Did the school return the papers? Will thus np see that it is a big issue for Ben and predates the other mental stuff? Or will this woman blame lack of focus on depression like they have always done with me? Because if they do write it off that way,then the last few months of counselor D were pointless since she blames 90% of Ben’s issues on adhd.

Hearing back from the housing people gives me chest pains I am so panicked. Rejection is hard even when you know it is coming. I just want it over with. I have no idea what we are going to do. There are really no resources for help with moving in this rural area. To say I am paralyzed by fear is putting it mildly but all I can do is put on a brave front for my kid.

Also panicked because I mailed in our food stamp renewal 10 days ago but have not gotten a call about the interview. Did they get it? Did I mess up the forms? My head is so muddled and has been for so long,I have no faith in myself.

So while I faced a huge fear and met some houseworky goals today…it is not what I would call a good mental health day. Not that I even have those anymore. 3 weeks on the Finch app and my mood barely tracks above sad emoji. Zero smiles. Lots of ‘blame’ for Ben stressing me out and that makes me feel like a bad mom but what parent would be not stressed by a screaming punching stealing lying child who hurts themselves and accuses you of not being supportive because you don’t think their cuts are pretty?

Fact I am still functioning,no matter how rudimentary it is,is amazing. My sis and mom can’t even handle an afternoon with Ben because they are too stressed by his SI. I may not be nailing it but I am coping and not ditching the child for my own comfort.

I’m ready for bed. My brain is exhausting. No one should be so ready for bed at 5 p.m. But I am. Sleep is the only escape from my own mind. From racing thoughts,from a beating too fast heart,from feelings of fear that at times make me too fearful to even go in the other room.

I know it is altered thinking but knowing that changes nothing.

Guess I will try ‘breath work’ in my Finch app. Breathing really does not calm me. I get so stressed thinking about ‘breathing right’ it just raises my anxiety. And sadly,science says otherwise so I am stuck doing things that don’t help me so I cannot be accused of lacking effort.

Mental health care that doesn’t make you feel better is legal malpractice. But because the masses respond,everyone has to. This is why people self medicate and avoid help. First do no harm really does not apply to mental healthcare,sadly.

“Behavioral health” really doomed a lot of us.

Panic:Hour Six

The furnace will only blow cold air now. Chilly in here but luckily it is 49 out so we’re not freezing entirely. And as Ben said,it’s,always cold in here,does the furnace ever really work. Kid has a point but this just piled on my stress. Now I gotta bug landlordy lady and they will have to pay to fix it and that is gonna suck.

So the anxiety that started with the wind storm tonight just metastasized into heart pounding dizzy spelling mind racing PANIC. Was so bad I thought my brain was short circuiting,kinda zappy panic. Made me fear I was having a stroke. Yeah,I get THAT panicked. The sick thing is,over the years I learned to internalize panic attacks. Rather than hyperventilate and outwardly melt down,I appear tense but calm if you don’t notice the wide eyes,tight jaw,and tremor in my hand. Ben notices. I play it down,I just feel shittier if my panic causes him to get anxious. Inwardly,I feel like my heart is ricocheting off the walls of my chest,my pulse pounds in my throat and my head,I tremble,I get dizzy,my stomach twists and contorts. Awful as that is,the feelings of pure fear amd feeling unsafe are even worse. I can’t make sense of why something normal,like a storm or simply needing a repair nan,set off terror receptors. It’s sheer insanity.

Yes,I am breathing. Counting. Mindful of what can I see,hear,touch. Around 10:30 I lay back and my cat climbed into my arms so I held her,focused on her warmth,her purring,how much she loves me. Breathing. Counting. Trying to approach the problem with cold ‘git r done’ logic. Another cat or two laid on me. I started to calm down. Then panicked again because almost nodding off (I am so exhausted) felt like getting dizzy and falling…Had to start all over. Calmed myself enough I thought a more comfy position would help so I turned over…BAM. Nearly asleep spell broken,back to panic and fear and racing thoughts.

So now my stomach is upset,a headache is coming on,and my chest feels bruised from how hard my heart was pounding. It drains you,then the frustration of being drained but unable to sleep tires you more. Panic may not kill you but it wears you down just as much as ‘rational’ fear would. I have always said to normal people,take your scariest moment like that moment before your car crashes. That fear,that uncertainty,that physical response-and live it multiple tines a day,every day. While being told how it is not a big deal,buck up,face your fear.

Even the professionals fail to grasp the wear and tear living like that places on body and mind. Sometimes I wish panic attacks were fatal. I could at least look forward to it killing.me and having an end to this shit.

Ok. I just needed to purge it from my mind. Now I am going to try the calm down yet again and hope it sticks. Gotta say,helpful as counting backwards is for that,I do it ten times a day and sometimes I am so sick of numbers I want to scream,it’s turning my brain to puree.

That I have to justify wanting Xanax when it 80% controls this panic disorder infuriates me. If drs were not so worried about liability due to ‘addiction potential’ they wouldn’t be ignorant to the legitimacy of a medication. And applying that ignorance to every patient is borderline malpractice.

Panxiety Ninjas

Well, I can honestly say I did NOT see this mental state coming. I was all wrapped up in my physical ickiness and the getting out of socializing I didn’t even sense a mental shift. So like a band of ninjas wielding swords, the paranoia and anxiety have emerged, cming at me from all sides. Paranoia plus anxiety equals panxiety.

I should have known I’d be shifting into paranoia. It’s what happens after long periods of ‘wait’ anxiety, when there’s something on my plate that I am dreading or just want over with. Well, it’s day ten waiting for the landlord’s people to get some repairmen here and again I was told ‘you’re on the list, they are very busy, today or tomorrow they said’…Ten days in limbo lead to some hellacious anxiety.

Then I remembered I also have the new telepsych appt tomorrow and that alone is enough to make me a basketcase. I don’t do well with change.

I thought after guzzling Pepto, I’d just curl up under the blankies and maybe nod off since I slept so poorly last night. Instead it’s like every sense in my body is on red alert, flashing the lights and sirens. It almost feels…threatening. It’s a very discombobulating feeling.

I have tried to beat this anxiety but the one thing all the advice givers seem unable to accept is that after 30 plus years of being under multiple different psych docs’ care…they’ve all deemed certain methods ineffective on my chemically imbalanced anxiety. Sure, it is often triggered. But the extent of that trigger and all the physical symptoms (sorry I am not magical enough to blink my eyes rapidly and talk myself out of a stomach ache) is incongruous with what normals experience. So while you mean well and your idea may have worked for six million people…it’s not a feasible option for me. I am learning coping skills, breathing exercises, and how to not catastrophize every tiny thing but…

Those damn panxiety ninjas are ruthless. And they’re not even like cool teenage mutant ninja turtles. Total rip off, anxiety disorder. I like the turtles, they’re funny.

Wake Up Hyperventilating

I was awake every hour on the hour during the night. Thankfully the Vistaril does help me get back to sleep more easily and quickly. But then came 5 a.m. and BAM. I am up and out of the gates with hyperventilating panic.

I flubbed up the Zoom school thing so badly, they made an exception for me and Spook to come in today and check out the classroom and meet the teacher. No doubt a trip to town will be needed to Hellmart for whatever supplies we forgot. Thank God she got gift cards for her birthday and can pay for it. I surely can’t buy a morsel of pegacorn kibble.

Would it make me a clingy neurotic mom to admit that this back to school during a pandemic thing has me petrified???? It’s what my kid wanted, to go back in person, and god knows I could use the space to get my A.D.D brain calmed down but…My God, if so much a a sniffle means they send the kid home, quarantine the class, and you have to hunt down one of these pegacorn-esque tests to get a positive confirmation then a negative to return to school… It’s gonna be a fiasco even if the covid rates aren’t extreme in Podunk.

The stress of it all is really weighing heavily on me. Not to mention the pegacorn kibble shortage. I’ve walked dogs, cleaned houses, mowed lawns, am going to be babysitting one day a week during school, and I have filled out every job application Indeed (and others) throws my way, including what I am clearly not qualified for. JUst in the hopes that maybe some tender hearted HR person might keep seeing my name on the resume and think, wow, she really wants to work, let’s take a chance on her even if she has shit references.

I still have hope, misplaced and foolish as it may be.

And while the depression has completely eviscerated my self esteem and spent months convicing me I have no talents, no skills, nothing to offer…Someone reminded me that my writing is my art and people don’t seem to mind supporting the arts with donations here and there. So I implore writer lovers to consider the pegacorn kibble shortage and please help keep me writing. I am worth so much more than what depression and anxiety have made me believe.

I just need others to believe in me.

And if the blog doesn’t resonate, keep in mind I also write poetry and articles and short stories. Published and paid doesn’t make a writer. Suffering for your love of the art, staring at that blinking cursor, unable to force the creativity to pour forth on command…

That’s the sign of a true writer.

Zoom Doomed

I am supposed to have a ‘meeting’ via Zoom with my kid’s 6th grade teacher in an hour.

It has my freaked out. I don’t like video chat, never have, never will.

I’ve never used Zoom so I am also leery of trying to make it work via my browser.

I never thought there would come a day my people fearing ass would get so bent over a half hour video chat but here I am. I’d much prefer to just drive there for face to face but no, fuck you, covid.

I am panicking, wondering what ways I can legitimately get myself out of. Maybe explain that I am a mental case and could we maybe do a phone call instead? I hate phones but it’s better than video chat. My gut goblins are slam dancing, the sweat is breaking out over every inch of my skin, and I feel like a deer caught in the headlights.

The way they are force feeding Zoom really pisses me off. What about Skype? Phone call? Email? CHOICE.!!!!!

Feeling like a cornered animal and that never turns out well.

Community Message

I’ve been AWOL for awhile now, thought I’d explain.