Formal Anxiety

I have my mandatory yearly housing review in a few hours. Only got 3 hours total sleep because anxiety had me walking on razor blades. Formal settings with “authority figures” really sets off my fight,flight,freeze panic receptors. But the woman and agency basically hold our life in their hands. And while I have worked really hard to go by the rules,I signed 40 plus pages and of course,I didn’t do more than skim. Like reading does any good since I forget stuff 2 minutes later. Even important formal stuff. So between Ben’s loud explosions and my vocal cat,I expect complaints have been made even tho no notices or complaints were made to me.

Good old panic,assuming problems based solely on distorted fear. I have to face,though,that I could have inadvertently broken a lease rule. Like missing my first appt because I wrote it as the 8th but it was the third. Somehow numeric dyslexia and sloppy handwriting don’t seem like excuses that will fly. Except they aren’t excuses,this is my reality. Explanations are not excuses nor a failure to take responaibility for my failings.

I also have phone therapy and told her it was a good time. Turns out,I told her my appt was at 2pm but turns out it is 11 and therapy is at 10. I know she will understand but my psych accesses my records to ensure I am doing counseling,I don’t want shortened sessions making me look non compliant. The numbers of appts get me so confused. I can’t even do breathing exercises without getting confused as to breathe in thru nose,hold 2 seconds,out thru mouth. I get it all turned around. So I am not making excuses to shirk responsibilty. I get all confused even with basic stuff or things I like. My brain is thought salad.

I am also on eggshells with my kid. He got in school suspension for screaming curse words at a bully and today told me I may have to come get him cos if the bullies say anything he will stand up for himself. Which means blowing up,cursing,screaming…egad,that kid is gonna be the death of me. So today’s Xanax dose is a little more than usual in hopes it slows my pounding heart and racing panicky thoughts.

Will post more later on how it goes. Wish me luck not to have a breakdown and burst into tears. Meds have held tears at bay for months but like a sleeping,dormant beast…they can revive and turn me into a blubbering mess. Joy joy happy happy.



One Response to “Formal Anxiety”

  1. Hugs and prayers, I am hoping it will all be ok. X

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