Unmerry

Niki’s not “feeling it,what’s new”. I know. But it is less the holidays and more the cold and my kid. The psych nurse calles to follow up the other day since they are booked so solidly. She wanted to know how Ben is doing on Duloxetine. I think it is helping more than Fluoxetine but my kid says none of them work. And none will if the problem is situational or you have made up your mind to be unhappy because everything doesn’t go your way. Much of it is like that w Ben. He puts forth zero effort to learn coping skills. Anyway…she asked if I had other concerns (sooo many) but I mentioned the ODD explosions. Talk therapy is the only treatment. And she mentioned commutting him to the outpatient program 50 miles away. All they do is group therapy. And the xhild returns home daily so how would that help me other than to add to his paranoia that all adults are out to get him? If anything it would turn him against me more.

So I feel screwed all around. And I am scared. Of betraying my kid. Of continuing to live w his blow ups. Hard to find happy or content here.

So I put one foot in front of the other and.push away thoughts that the only way through or out is death. I have tied far too much self worth to my kid’s (un) happiness and my worth as a mom. Which considering all my failures he brings up even tho reality was a little different…I have nothing to be proud of. I have failed him. He has even taken to sayibg it is my fault his dad left.despite his dad walking out on 2 other kids…And the kid is cranky and volatile today due to “obly” getting 8 hours sleep so I fear tonight w my transphobic family. Merry fucking Christmas. Time to put on my mask. The one everyone buys into because surely Niki is dramatizing,depression isn’t that bad,no cgild could act that bad. My life is a maze,I am the rat and there is no cheeseno matter how many times I pass the finish.

I am gonna do my best to just enjoy the holiday. Problem is,reality doesn’t pause for Santa.

5 Responses to “Unmerry”

  1. Merry Christmas…

  2. …and a Happy New Year. So how were the Holidays?

  3. …hey. You doing okay?

    • morgueticiaatoms Says:

      I am really struggling. A month without blogging? Never done that before. Just hanging tough. Thanks for checking in.

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