Weak?

I started out at 5:30am feeling ok. Fewer wake ups,more restful sleep. ( That review off my plate really helped me relax a little so I slept better.) I listened to 2 hours of music via headphones,that is HUGE. Got my kid up…

And then the anxiety ninjas crept up and attacked.

Paranoia. Pounding heart. Sweaty armpits. Feelings of bad things coming. All of it,at once,from nowhere. So I took a Xanax and I feel weak…never mind how many days I take none. It still makes me feel like I am not trying hard enough and going for a quick fix. I know better so that mentality has been transferred by others. I hate it.

So last night’s big plan to shower in the a.m. is looking unlikely. I only have so many spoons and I gotta go finish xmas shopping and prep for SnowIcePocalypse this weekend. I need spoons for driving and busy stores. Wet wipes and Irish spring mop up on aisle 6 likely. Oh,well,at least I smell nice afterward. Shower later maybe? Depends on ho the day goes. Pounding heart panicky feeling does not bode well.

My kid had two huge blow ups last night. Actually picked up the lamp and threatened to throw it at me. I am doubtful he would but still makes me leery. Others just don’t see this side of Ben,they cannot believe he would act this way?. Like I make it up or dramatize to make the kid look bad. Trust me. Parents do not want to admit their kid hates them that much and threatens to hurt us. It feels like ineffectual parenting so all my fault. I did this. Thankfully,my counaelor helps remind me Ben is responsible for his actions. Ha. Not today. And I don’t want him labeled a bad kid or placed in some “home” for worst of the worst kids.

Oppositional Defiance Disorder sucks. Especially in a rural area where specialists don’t exist. Psych nurses push therapy. Counselor pushes meds. And so Ben and I suffer. And contrary to what he says,I DO care and I see how he hurts and being in this impossible to help catch 22 kills me.I do want to help. I just feel stuck and weak.

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One Response to “Weak?”

  1. Of course you want to help. Your doing your best. Sorry ben had two huge blow ups. Shower if you wan and if you can’t thats ok too!

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