Dysregulation

I was up and down all night. At 4:45am I just gave up. Went out for a smoke,which in cold damp weather means 3 puffs and back inside. Since I have been shivering and it is 39 out so my temperature dysregulation is in play. I can stand out in negative temps sometimes to scrape windshields and be fine. Other times the cold just hits and I am violently shivering and unable to focus on anything but being cold even when temps are above freezing. Always hated cold but in the last couple of years the dysregulation has been extreme.

So shivering cold,still exhausted,and excrutiating belly bloat…do not make me jazzed for the day ahead. And ugh,my counseling,then Ben has his after school. I wish I could call in dead. Gallows humor bit still,it just feels so draining and pointless. I would rather nap that hour. It isn’t personal to Kara or lack of desire to get better. But I have had weekly therapy minus 3 for 6 months. I am a bit sick.of talking about stuff on the phone. Stupid insurance forcing 80 mile away option when there is a local center 2 miles away with in person therapy. How utterly idiotic.

But per my self care app affirmation,I will make the best of the day come what may. Or just survive. Six of one,half dozen of the other. Not everything should have to go through a sunshine spewing filter. Normalize calling a sucky mental state what it is and how it colors the day. As long as I show up and zombie shuffle through,optimism is irrelevant.

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