Brave

I faced my review paperwork and a couple of other dreaded,anxiety inducing tasks. Panic would be more accurate. Heart pounding,mind spinning,stomach churning,lightheadedness,dizziness,urge to flee in terror…Doesn’t matter how honest I am being,phrases like “perjury under penalty of law” still strikes a fight,flight,flee response. I wonder if I would be guilty if I said Niki is myname since it isn’t the name on my birth certificate. Yet 49 years it is all I have ever been called so…confusing. Terrifying.

Point is…today I was brave. In the face of terror,I was brave and got the hard stuff done. Maybe too done,including journal entries with review work. I risk coming off too functional or too unstable but honest is all I know to do. I am not in good shape mentally. By days’ end when I hadmy kid at counseling,all I could focus on was getting back home to safe space. I was freaking out. Best I can figure,was the price of being brave. And manthat is a really costly price on my mental health.

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