Equilibrium Upset

It took awhile battling my anxiety,insecurity,and physical issues but…I mowed the yard today. Sans for the side ditches,I just got overheated and woozy and sore. I worked in increments. It took.probably 3 hours but I took lots of breaks. I am exhausted but glad I did it. For all the good it does. All I ever hear are my failings.

So 4 pm,Dad tried to call Ben. My phone eerily silent. He terrified that child,why would he think Bem would flock to him? I figured they were doing their usual snoop across the tracks thing to tsk tskabout my unmowed yard. Or that blade if grass I missed.

And then I hear his pick up out back and some banging around. I figure taking back their mower or junk.hauling that I will have held over my head for decades. I was.like a deer in headlights,panic rising but frozen,praying no contact…when they left I felt my butt cheeks unclench. That is how tense they make me.

So now the bad juju lingers,equilibrium upended. Those 6 days of silence are probably the kindest thing he has done for my mental health in years. Yet I still feel salty. I know why he is ao.pissed. When he kept harping on my.past mistakes,inc California where I met the donor-I brought up his self proclaimed worst mistake. He did not like that,so shit listed I am. It is almost comical what an immature hypocrite he is. But standing there telling my kid he only exists because “your mom fucked up and ended up.homeless in California”. I was homeless 9 hours,drama king. Yes,I didn’t think it through.or plan ahead. But my kid is not a mistake. Damn him for putting such a cruel thought in Ben’s hesd. I never really got over.him telling me he dudn’t want a child yet but mom got pregmant on.purpose and he got screwed over. Kids don’t forget,even as adults.

So yeah. 10 minutes banging around out back and I am a basketcase of fear and insecurity. You get told you cannot do things right iften and long enough,you start to operate from that belief. I.hope one day I recover from the damage 4 years under his thumb has caused.