Mom Fail

Just woke again at 3:50 am. Again heart pounding in a panic. Racing thoughts,terror,paralysis. At least I gad a couple hours not feeling lousy. And my brief respite of the numbness and belly pressure is gone,so feeling awful.physically,too.

Last night I was exhausted after 19 hours awake. I lay in bed with meditation videos for over an hour,so determined to MAKE,all these tried and true “sleep” methods” so fool proof the military uses them for soldiers under high stress.

Around 9:30 I finally started to be able to slow my mind,focus on breathing and relaxing muscles…

And my kid is piping in every 5 months. Love you,mom. You’re gay,mom. Can I play with the cat sleeping on your bed? Can I vacuum my room…omg,was like he didn’t take his adhd pill aLL day with the hyper bubbleheaded thing. I struggled so hard not to get aggravated…by 10 pm after 14 hours of him carrying on this way…I broke. Didn’t yell or get hateful. “I am tired and you keep interrupting my meditation. Please stop,I am going yo try to sleep.”

Except…in my exhaustion and annoyance,I called by his given name. And I didn’t even realize it tI’ll the edgy “Next time call me BEN.”

I “deadnamed” him twice this week,was not intentional. But for trans people,dead naming is apparently invalidating or something. We are supposed to pretend the kid we gave birth too and named never existed and adapt to their new normal and never slip up.on name and pronouns. At this point I am so gendered out I could throw up. That is not anti trans. That is “I am sick of hearing 14 hours a day every day about pride flaags and all the genders and sexual orientations and pronouns from a 12 year old who cannot even commit to a favorite color”. Not everything is LGBTQI related. But this child never lets up on it. And THAT is what fuels the bigots. Be who you are but it doesn’t have to be your every waking thought and talking point.

Guess I sound old fashioned and unsupportive. Aside from the dead name slips,I have been awesomely supportiven Eveb let him show me Walmart’s pride section (endcap). I just don’t need to discuss my gender and sexual orientation 12 plus hours a day so I guess I don’t understand those who make it the only center of their life. I am TRYING,Ben.

So I will be punished randomly for awhile with self righteous indignation,accusations of being anti trans,and such for awhile. Walking a minefield here.

4:49 am. Pressure in my belly is bad. Triple dose of laxative hasn’t helped move things along. So damn frustrated. Hoping the potassium supplement helps but I don’t think it is going to explain or fix it. So back to no answers and no healthcare provider who gives a damn.

And still not a nibble of someone to rehome my cats but LOTS of making me feel bad for it. Thanks,assholes. Cos it isn’t ripping out my heart. Lots of judgment but no help or support.

Is it no wonder being awake depresses me on every front?

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