Lawnmowers Are The New Chainsaw

When I was 10,I saw a preview of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I was terrified of the saw. My dad thought it hilarious. We lived in the country so it was pitch black when mom and us girls got home one night. No sign of dad’s truck. We go to head inside and out of the dark comes this rushing figure waving a chainsaw. Dad burst into laughter.”Doesn’t even have a blade,what are you scared of?”

It took decades for me to stop flinching when i heard chainsaw. He still makes a quip about it from time to time. Still funny to him.

Now,it is the sound of lawnmowers that spark my cringe factor panic respons3. Because 4 years of them showing up whenever,unannounced,ordering me to get off my ass and help mow. NM if Iam sick,cooking,on a call,in th bath..must drop everything because they are HELPING me.

So yeah,whoever nearby is mowing and my body is on red alert. It is less when they mow away in the distance. It is deafening when they pass close again.

Not having a great mental health day anyway. Dad is in my head,reminding me of every mistake,convincing me I am selfish and lazy and people who don’t work shouldn’t eat a good meal. So that roast and veggies I splurge on once a month and look forward to…wasn’t all that good cos all my brain could do was focus on my unworthiness.

Now,my badass strong woman mindset has given way for weak fearful overwhelmed girl who will never be able to pull off this move and start fresh because no way I can clean the place to their uppercrust standards so dad will hear and then the whole town will know how bad it got ..last property they bought,the lady left behind adult toys…and these noob landlords were showing pics around town,hooting and hollering. So discretion and non judgment not in their skillset.

I am exhausted. I am beaten down. I am scared. And I am now crippled with self doubt,wondering if I just have victim mentality and am a lazy horrible person. The sadness has seeped into my soul because no one should be made to feel that low about themselves. Sure as hell not from a father. Yet he is the pillar of the community.

Trying soo hard to fight these thoughts. Ben and I actually had an ok time when we went grocery shopping earlier. Back to this place,and down the drain. I was so fucking stupid writing that hopeful upbeat post yesterday about feeling more like myself. That person doesn’t exist anymore. The Gloom Monger murdered her spirit. Time to accept that I am.doomed and a useless human.

My brain REALLY goes dark at times.