Perception

Up since 4:30 ish. I think. Days start to blur together here in Armpit during winter. In the negatives so all I wanted was to be warm and go back to sleep. Scumbag brain was not on board. Even when comfy and warm with purring cats,the urge to do something was overwhelming. Even if that something is just sitting up and looking at memes.Don’t think people grasp that the goal is rarely to socialize or get my ego fed. It is to not be alone with my thoughts. To let something else into my mind.

Another explosive morning with Ben. Prime nastiness. I lost my cool but damn it,the kid left his coat at school. Trying to convince him science is real should not be a goddamn battle. Trying to protect him. Needless to say,I felt so stressed I called the insurance abput getting him in a day program. Which requires an adolescent psych to first assess then admit and of course,nearest is 40 miles. All the woman could do was suggest I call the 2 drs she listed to get a referral.

Useless. I can barely make cold calls in my right mind. I don’t know what the answer is. Not to mention the rage and betrayal I will get from my kid.

Feeling helpless and hopeless…I put on 80s hair radio and forced myself to wash dishes. It’s hard. The water barely gets hot so lots of moving grease around. Last time I trued turning it up the pilot went out so nope.

Forced myself into a bath. Clean clothes even with underthings. I have got to get to town for cat food,we are out,so I thought bathing and making the effort for normal might help my mindframe.Instead I just want to go to sleep. I feel beaten down,baffled,and exhausted. It is hell to love someone so much yet have that love rejected and treated with violent contempt. I have even fallen on.my sword and owned how I may contribute to our issues at tines. Nothing is ever good enough for Ben. His feelings are all that matter. But he doesn’t want to talk about them. Yet you don’t care about me,mom,or you would ask about me. Circular mentality with no end in sight.

Sometimes feels like he sets me up to fail by repeating irrational behaviors that make me confused and frustrated. Maybe an effort to control his life? Keep mom too confused to ever consistently discipline.

I know I sound paranoid. It does not mean I am wrong. My gut always suspects when something is off. I let all the psychobabble convince me I am perceiving things incorrectly. Sometimes I am just putting 2 and 2 together.

Noticed Ben,for some ungodly reason,emptied my Skin So Soft bottle. People using my stuff without permission is a grand canyon trigger for me. No good trying to talj to him. He doesn’t remember or why would he or the cats did it. His inability to EVER take responsibility and give genuine apologies is crazy making. How the hell do you set boundaries with that mentality? Everyone says I “let” him get away with it. What am I supposed to do? I say no over and over,I talk to him,I try to stress how rude it is…he seems to have zero conscience. And the signs were there long before tweenhood. Never being wrong might be semi funny with a 5 year old. Kind of terrifying when.it is a 12 year old.

Idk what to fucking do. I wish insurance would have approved the day program back in August. That shrink was utterly useless and very biased against single moms and trans kids. Insisted the kid needed day program but refused to admit him,was all.on me to handle it. And no doubt the woman would have me up on neglect charges for not following through but if the ER dr and crisis counselor don’t see it as a must and insurance won’t pay without an admitting dr or forced hold…what the fuck am I supposed to do?

Maybe I need a nap. It won’t solve anything but it might help me per ceive things more clearly. So much noise in my head. So much confusion. And feeling physically shitty makes it worse.

Illinois mental health care is a joke.