Again?

3 wondermously calm days without trips into the dish,spawn drama,and hour after hour chatting with P. Was a good 3 days. I don’t think I even noticed any anxiety or depressive thoughts. They were there,I am sure. I was just in a better mental space. P is so good for me in so many ways.

Today for no apparent reason,I feel nervous. Despite talking to P. May have something to do with poor sleep. Been up since 3 a.m. Brain just will not shut up. May be because my dad wants help with his trucking and this allergy laden bitch does not scoop out corn bins. I don’t think I am too good to do it. I am not lazy. I am just very slow and once the allergies kick i I am useless. You want paperwork,computer,dog walking😙 work,babysitting,I can do that. And I would rather scoop out my eyeballs with a melon baller than spend 10 hours straight with my dad. Idk why it is so hard to stand up to hin. I did at 14,15,16. Sometimes I think all the therapy ruined my backbone. There IS such thing as too much self awareness.

So…I sit in my bedroom crypt,wishing I had a Xanax the size of a hubcap,paranoia rampaging. I am already nervous about Wednesday when I will meet with the school people. Shaky about what drama Spook will bring on me. And I feel bad for thinking it. My kid is not giving me a hard time,she/he is having a hard time. Gotta be strong for her. Another thing P helps me do just by accepting me. He said I am perfect just the way I am. No one has ever said that to me. He is my happy place even if it all turns out to be a beautiful lie. Take chances or rot in a rut.

Far from being out of said rut but I see a sliver of light at the end of the tunnel.