Confused Like A Chameleon In A Bag Of Skittles

Well after a solid year not even working up tears for my grandma’s funeral…I have burst into tears 3 times today. Just…flooded and the sadness and frustration overwhelmed. I couldn’t make it stop,even with self bullying. Not felt this way since my last period like 16 months ago.

I guess this is the next hellish chapter of menopause. Yay. NOT. It’s gotta be hormones because nothing has changed,it has stayed consistently awful.

And my one sweet escape has turned into fresh hell and part of it is me. I am terrified and trying to create problems rather than go with the flow. As if I don’t deserve anything sweet and kind,gotta set it on fire and burn it to the ground before it happens to me first. Because,what if. What if I am reading it all wrong? What if I am being lied to and played? What if my bipolar is the dealbreaker? What if my need for clarity is perceived as smothering neediness?

What ifs fucking suck,even if they have a minute amount of possibility to them. It is paralyzing. The terror is real. It is so real I’ve had a dozen conversations in my head on good reasons to abandon ship and save myself. From hurt,from self loathing,from embarrassment…

Is that feeling in my gut just terror from so much hurt and so many failed relationships? Are these ‘blow it up’ thoughts based on any sort of reality or just my fear?

Is it all hormonal?

At least I recognize my own self sabotaging behaviors any time a relationship is involved. That shows growth,I used to didn’t see it or get it at all.

I know one feeling I have that is absolutely based on fact. P confuses the fuck out of me. Comes on strong,goes shy and wordless. Idk where I stand half the time and that is hellish. Bring it up,apology and embarrassed emoji. No further communication. And I try to remind myself how very young is and how abrasive I can be,maybe I make him go hide in silence. I guess talking to each other 12 hours most days should tell me everything I need to know..and yet it doesn’t.

Then I berate myself for taking it seriously and getting too attached too fast. That is on me. Still,am I not due some clarity since the confusion truly is causing me pain?

I don’t really want an answer today,I have had the shit kicked out of me already today. My dad. Called at 7 a.m. bitching about my messy yard. Then R had called him asking why I am pissed and ignoring him. I explained and my dad laughed and told me I was getting too upset over things ‘these days’. I cannot remember the last time I expressed anger-or any emotion-with them. So wtf is he on about? THEN he said he knows I have a lot on my mind but so does he,don’t I think he wants to give up and die sometimes? Then it turned into a joke about his dog.

What the actual fuck? I never mentioned a word about giving up or dying. Is he fucking senile? I haven’t even mentioned my stress with Spook .

Anyway,that started the tears. I powered on,cleaning up sticks in the yard and piling them up. He ‘informed’ me they would be mowing today so I walked on eggshells for awhile. Heard him grabbing the stick pile but no call or knock. So I assumed they were waiting til afternoon. I put on my.good headphones and heard nothing. They apparently mowed. Now I am playing dodge call because I have no desire to be screamed at for not being at the ready to do my part mowing on their time table. Did he call? No? Did he text? No. Did he even have my brother reach out on IG? No. But I will be in the wrong. Let me predict the speech…”We came over to help you out,using our mowers and gas,and your lazy ass couldn’t be bothered to help. Fuck you,next time you want help ask someone else.”

I DID NOT ASK FOR HELP.

There is no way that convo will go differently. And no surprise even 20 years later,he still sides with R on everything.

Ok…that is better. Needed a good purge. Maybe bottling it up is why it boiled over.

I am not going to speak up or burn anything down right now,no matter how strong the fear induced urge is. Gonna wait for a different mentalscape and see if I feel any less confused. Plus I have been up since 2 a.m. so I am exhausted AF,that cannot be giving me clear thoughts.

Tomorrow is another day. Maybe it will be better. Maybe not. Just gotta get thru this day without any bridge burnings. And it is tough because I am a metaphorical pyro when it comes to shit like that.

I will not self sabotage. I will not self destruct. Will not,will not,will not.

And yet there would be peace by the flames as it all burned,I would be safe from the what ifs and risks.

So fucking tempting. But,NO.