Point Broken

4 screeching climbing messing kittens, one tired fussbudgety 10 year old who waited til bedtime to spring her report card of D’s and F’s on me, and 5 phone calls in one day from my dad…stick a fork in me, I am DONE. Broken. I have got to put the brakes on the world and stop it now. Get off the ride. My anxiety has not been this out of control in days. Nor my mood in such a dark, hopeless place.

So I guess I went hypomanic after stopping the antidepressants all together and that was a fine 6 or 7 days but back to reality…I am in a deep depression with crippling anxiety and I am NOT coping as well as it may appear to others. I am ready to retire to Fort Blankie in the fetal position except the kittens are still screeching from their safe place I put them at night and the sickly one is just getting more sickly and no vet will take him til I get my check next week so what the fuck am I supposed to do…

I am livid that I have been so out of it my kid has been reduced to bringing home an F in reading. How does anyone get an F in reading if they don’t have a learning disorder? She managed a D in math but failed reading straight out? WTF? I tried to be the disappointed calm mommy instead of enraged hulk mom. But an F in reading, seriously????My God, that is such an affront to everything I stand for. Reading and writing are the ONLY things I am any good at (when not ending a sentence witha preposition, ha ha ha),I thought I’d passed this fluency onto her. Every year prior she never got lower than a C on reading. I am shocked the teacher didn’t alert me sooner that she was struggling this much. We will have much to dicuss during our vast 15 minute conference I have to travel to Podunk to attend Thursday.

It’s not like I hadn’t emailed the teacher to explain why Spook was struggling so hard due to her ADHD medication and the crap ass Meridian insurance not paying for the med that actually works….I guess I’ve just been in a depression and on bad meds for so many straight months, I lost…well, my mind, and took my eye off the parenting ball towards her grades. I assumed by fifth grade she could be trusted to tell me if she had homework, if she needed help, etc. I was apparently wrong. I’ve fallen prey to lazy parenting, allowing a tablet to be her babysitter and companion, while I just try to survive my own garbage. It’s never been this bad before, ever. Her grades or my letting her slip so low. Though I had no clue she was doing that poorly outside of struggling with math. God, I feel like the shittiest parent ever. But some of it falls on Spook for not asking for more help or trying harder, and also, the teacher could have given me a heads up long before report cards so we could have worked together to bring the F up. Spook has never had F’s prior to moving to this fucking backwoods Armpitopia and some of it, I think is her social isolation. These kids like her one day, the next they turn on her, and it takes a toll.

God, I have really made a mess of things this year. My damn mental problems have always been a hindrance, but…I really dropped the ball.

And I can’t make idiotic promises about how I will never do it again because…Hello, still mentally ill, still not properly treated…I can try harder and be more aware and surgically detach that damn Android from her hands if need be.

For tonight….life broke me. I am done. I can’t even enjoy Z Nation right now, my mind is so shattered, my anxiety so heightened. I just need to fetalize under the blankets and start fresh tomorrow. And definitely start calling that useless goddamn insurance company about getting Spook back on the medication that actually fucking worked. When this state turned Medicaid over to these HMO places, they really fucked over kids getting the care and treatment they need. Because we sure as hell NEVER had these med issues prior to the HMO change. Back then, the kid got what the doctor prescribed, period, no haggling, no substitutes. So, yeah, fuck you, Illinois, your ‘kid care’ didn’t improve for anyone that counts, like ya know, the kids.

Hypomania is kind of cruel if you think about it. I came up for air for a week or so and thought maybe I was on the right track, regaining my senses and sanity, and…it was an illusion. Such is the bipolar cycle. I watched a show last week where a woman sought to get out from under her father’s conservatorship because she’d been on stable treatment for bipolar for two years and the mental health judge was reluctant, stating that two years of stability really isn’t much time in the scheme of bipolar and its setbacks.

Which is hysterical because the people here think because I had a brief six week stretch where my med was working and the side effects hadn’t manifested yet, so I am all cured and need to get off disability and go back to work. If two years isn’t considered a long period of stability by mental health judges and courts…Where the hell do these morons here come off with thinking my 1 to 6 week half ass stable stretches mean total recovery and ready to take on the world?

I’m ranting now. What’s new. THis day sucked so hard, I’d have clean carpets if it had been a vacuum.

Woman down…Time to fetalize, blanketize, and hopefully…wake up in better headspace tomorrow. Not sure it could be any worse, I am wound so tight right now if I snapped someone’s head could get cut off. Suckage. Any day so awful it robs me of the joy of Z Nation is a day I probably shouldn’t have even gotten out of bed.

I give myself a D for coping skills and an F for parenting abilities.

Time to regroup and reboot the brain. May the melatonin kick in quickly.

One Response to “Point Broken”

  1. […] Niki Noir – Take a ride on my mood swing/ […]

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